Marriage

[Vlad]

I am 29 and never been married. Never thought about proposing until recently.
A 22 yr old, beautiful young lady has been living with me for about 6 months. I think, by listening to our friends, she is expecting me to pop the question or she'll be moving on pretty soon.
My question to you, ole learned members and guests, is marriage worth giving up the freedom of being single?

 

[Adoratrice]

I love being married...of course I married my best friend . we have been married 5 years and been together for 9 .

If you convince yourself that you are giving up your "freedom" then you will never be happy, I think that is a silly cop out that some men (& women) use to avoid commiting. I think if you really wanted to be married you would want nothing more than to spend your life with the one you love instead of wondering if something better is going to come along.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

only if you're REALLY sure

I've been married for almost 9 years now and I can say that there is no feeling compared to knowing your partner is committed to you and the relationship. No joke here, marriage is not a house you live in -- it's a job!! It takes a lot of work and you have to make it a priority. But the rewards are immeasurable. If you love her and you are both committed to making it work, you'll get rewards from the relationship you never would have dreamed about!

 

[Juliangel]

Marriage depends on how you jump into it with.

I started dating my honey when we were 15, we moved in together at 18 and got married at 19.

I will be 31 next month and I have had some doubts, not about him, just about whether we have missed out on some things and if one day we will regret them.

If you have been living together and been faithful for 6 months then you know what it is like to be married. Marriage isn't giving up anything, only choosing to live the rest of your life with one person. (Ok I know that sounds corney but it is true)

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Marriage is not about being single...

Its about compromise. Can you do it??

blue

 

[wild_jay]

Is marriage worth giving up the freedom of being single?

In my experience...an overwhelming yes. I think it is a matter of knowing oneself. Of what importance is "the freedom of being single" to you? In my case I really never looked at marriage restricting my "freedom", it was something I gave up willingly. I did go through a period of time, the proverbial seven year itch, but passed through relatively unscathed.

One of the things that has made our marriage successful was simply my wife and I had fairly common goals with our lives. For example, we wanted a family, she wanted to stay home and take care of the family, and I wanted to be able to earn a sufficient living to allow this to happen. This provided focus and direction for us.

While I am sure this will be of little help to you there was (and is still) a certain intangible between us. I think it goes beyond love, because one falls in and out of love. It is simply a presence that exists between us and has been there since the day I met her. This provided me with all the reassurance I needed when I popped the question...25 years ago.

And, it gets better as time passes.

Good luck to you.

 

[Adoratrice]

wonderfully said wild_jay

There is no doubt in my mind that I will be married til the day I die (this is my second marriage by the way) I know what it is like to be in a bad one. I am in no way saying that is always easy ...it is not. It is however worth the effort to MAKE it a good marriage. You should not feel as if you are Giving anything up, but gaining all you will ever need.if you don't feel that way then maybe now is not the right time to be married.

 

[forgetunome]

Love and Marriage....

....Go together like a horse and carriage...

Marriage is a wonderful place to be when it's with someone you love. And it's a horrible place to be if it's not and you are feeling trapped.

Be sure of your feelings don't just ask her to marry you because you feel it's something you should do, or something that is expected.

All I can say is I have been married for 13 years and I wouldn't have it any other way! I married my soulmate! And if you think marriage is all roses no it's not....but as the others before me have said it's well worth working on your relationship! This is someone who is always there when you have your down times and when they have theirs your there for them. Compromise is a big thing and that means both should be compromising not just one side. And it's okay to disagree! Being married does not mean you have to agree on all subjects. Sometimes you just agree to disagree and not argue about it. You don't give up your mind when you marry you learn to work with each other and compliment each others strong and weak points! Marriage is and can be wonderful!

So, my advice is you aren't giving up your freedom you are gaining a lifetime support partner to go through life with. To share the ups and downs. To never having to go home to an empty house or apt. But, be sure of your feelings. If the thought of her leaving is hard to bear and makes you crazy chances are you are already hooked my friend

Relationships and marriage are worth the effort put in them!

Good luck and best wishes on your decision!

 

[Weird Harold]

I am 29 and never been married. Never thought about proposing until recently.
A 22 yr old, beautiful young lady has been living with me for about 6 months. I think, by listening to our friends, she is expecting me to pop the question or she'll be moving on pretty soon.
My question to you, ole learned members and guests, is marriage worth giving up the freedom of being single?

Proposing because it's "expected" is absolutely the wrong reason to propose.

Reading between the lines, It sounds like the possiblity that she'll move on if you don't propose is what's prompting thoughts of marriage. If that's the case, you're asking the wrong question.

The question should be: "Is staying single worth losing her?"

That's not as simple a question as it sounds. It really means that you need to decide whether she is just comfortable to have around, or whether your happiness depends on having her around.

If it's just the comfort factor, don't propose. You can find hundreds or thousands of women who will make you feel comfortable. (or at least a dozen or so.)

If you find the thought of her leaving, or being sad means more to you than the "freedom" to stay single, then go ahead and propose.

One other aspect to this situation for you to consider: Is she expecting you to propose because she feels "comfortable" with you, or does she want you to propose because she can't stand the thought of losing you.

Fianlly, don't depend on "listening to our friends" for information on how she feels or is thinking. Ask Her. Then listen to what she has to say. It's called communicating, and if you can't do that, then forget the word marriage.

 

[CW]

in a very short time,,,

If you marry because it's "expected of you", as I did,,, or if you enter a marriage thinking that you are losing your freedom ( thus unwilling or unable to compromise ),,,

Then in a very short time you will be a hellish marriage and looking for ways out.

Marriage should NOT be for the benefit of anyone other than the the two getting married,,, and it should be a mutual desire and need. If you can decide that this is the case, then go for it,,, if not, walk away.

In the course of deciding this issue, talk with the young lady, determine if you two are willing to compromise, see if YOU are willing to set aside your wants to honor her needs and hers yours, and see if you are willing to work at making it a success, because at times it WILL be work. There is no need to rush into this commitment,,, talk about it, alot, first.

Just the humble opinion of this old fart.

 

[Vlad]

Thanks guys and gals

I have been aware of the existence and thus participating in discussions on the board for just a week and I have grown to expect some very insightful and intelligent responses to serious questions and you have not disappointed me.

Thank you for your replies, please continue-

 

[Stormystarr]

My own little secret...

I am..oh no, I can't say it, both of those words are very nasty to me.
ok, here goes...
I was married for 2 1/2 years!!! But I finally got divorced. For me it was a very bad experience that I don't want to do again anytime soon. But it seems like some of you have very good marriages, and I applaud you for being able to work on them enough to make them last.
I hope everything works out ok for you Vlad.

 

[Closet Desire-able]

Vlad
If your girlfriend is likely to move on if you don't propose then ask yourself - is she committed to you, or is she more committed to being "married". What do the two of you have that makes the relationship special? If both of you feel there is something special then you will both want to stay with each other. Marriage is something separate and means different things to different people. Does marriage mean having children, is it religion, is it for other people? The advice about talking together is the most important of all given on this thread. If you cannot talk openly about your wants and fears now it is not going to "come with time".

I don't think marriage is like living together at all. So many couples say "it's just a piece of paper" and then later say how much things changed once they were married (better or worse!).

 

[Roll-One]

No...nuff said

 

[Ambrosious]

If you get married to a fantasy goddess like me then yes! But wait, I married the fantasy goddess. God I feel sorry for the rest of you. Damn...just damn.

 

[Mortto56]

"A Breif Review"

"Hi Vlad!"

At first I wasn't going to comment on this tread,for the simple reason that most of what had already been said,was what I was going to say.

But then I got to thinking.

My wife and I have been married for 24 years,and we have had good times,and bad times.I just thought that I would share a few of them for you.

We started dating in 1975.On the day we meant,we had a 2 hour staredown at a friends house.She was suppose to go on a double date with my friends cousin that night,and they did.

The next day,she found out who I was,and where I lived,and contacted me.We've been together ever since.(except for one time.)

We married in August of "76".

Our 1st boy was born in March of "77".I hired in my present job,2 weeks later.Bought my 1st house that year also."77" was a very good year for us.

June "78" we bought the house we live in today.

August "79" our daughter was born.She was very speical to us.
September "79" she passed away.That saddend our hearts so.

August "80" our youngest son was born.And I'll tell you one thing,that I went into delivery with all 3 kids,and tears come to my eyes everytime.That is one happy time,to see your own child born.

In the mid to late "80s" we did so many things,once the boys got a little older.Camping,fishing,baseball.You name it.

1990 my mom passed away,and my wife and I started to drift apart a little.

1994 my wife and I got a divorce.We have talked about it many times,but we can't really seem to figure out why we got a divorce.I guess we thought there was something better out there for us.The kids where getting older,and it seemed like there wasn't much in common no more.

In April "95" our granddaugter was born.That was a very happy for us,and that kind of brought my wife and I back together.
We remarried in June of "95".And we have been very happy with each other ever since.

In "98" we found out that my wife had breast cancer,and had to have both breast removed.That was a very trying year to say the least.

In "99" she had reconsructive surgery,and doing very well.

Last Sunday 10-22-2000 our granddaughter come running in the back door yelling,"Nana & Papa,look at my moms pregnancy test.Well it showed +.

So what I am trying to say too you,is ask yourself,"Can I deal with all these kind of things that life may throw at me with this woman?".."And am I man enough to excepet the responsiblity of being a husband and a soulmate?"
You will know the answer in your heart.

Sorry I winded on.



[Edited by Mortto56 on 10-27-2000 at 07:30 AM]

 

[Merelan]

Mortto 56...
you missed the time she washed your favorite underwear with a red tshirt... or the time she spilled nail polish on your sports magazine, and didn't understand why you were upset. Or the many times she cried for no particular reason, and you felt guilty.
Or the time she clung to you and cried her heart out over a commercial, and you were crying too. Or the time she nursed you through that bad flu, or the time you brought home a flower, just because.
Or the time she left the cap off the shampoo and $4 worth of shampoo washed the drain... or the mornings you woke up alone.. because you thought it was over, and realized how much you missed her..
Missed the pats and cuddles, missed the fighting over which movie to watch. Missed the dishes being done magically.. missed your best friend being there when you had a funny joke to share, or to tell that same fishing story too... for the hundreth time.. missed her presence, her smell....
you also forgot to tell him about the toilet water turning blue after marriage, the bathroom being coordinated. The paper towels with cute sayings. The to do lists, that you better at least attempt. You also better warn him about the extra weight he will gain after they are married, oh she did too. The cold beer she brought out to you as you mowed the lawn. The days spent planning and remodeling the new kitchen, and the first meal cooked in it.
See, you missed telling him all these things and more. But I guess maybe he needs to find those out himself.

 

[Mortto56]

"Gee Merelan!,I was just trying to keep it simple."

"But Thanks for filling in all the important things for me."(LOL)

 

[TN_Vixen]

No...nuff said

laughing... just what I was thinking. Marriage ruins an otherwise perfect relationship. Don't do it.

 

[Juliangel]

I think Mortto56 and Merelan covered it all. That is marriage. If you can handle that it will be the most wonderful thing you ever do, if not you will feel trapped and hate it.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Mort, my man....

Truer words were never spoken. I have been married twice. At present, I am happily married but living seperately from my wife. She, too, is very happy with this relationship. But, it is not for everyone and neither is marriage.

You should never do anything because it is expected of you or because you feel pressured. Espescially something as important as making a committment to marry. Marriage SHOULD be discussed openly, in advance. Given my profession, I truly believe that the marriage license should only be issued after the couple has completed classes on relationships and dispute resolution.

Think about it. If you want to drive a car, you take drivers training and then you have to pass a written and a practical test. But to get married all you have to do is utter the magic words, "I DO". BFD.

Do I sound cynical?? Well, after being involved in thousands of other peoples' divorces and 1 3/4 of my own, I truly believe that no one enters into marriage realistically. Especially today. "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce". That's the prevailing mindset of the "Wait a Second" generation. Its all about instant gratification !!

A marriage is like a garden. It must first be planted. Then, it must be nurtured over time. Weeds need to be pulled. Water and fertilizer are required. And sun. Substitute conflict for weeds; love and understanding for water and fertilizer and patience for sun --- Understand?!

Mort understands. So do my children. My daughter is curently living with a young man. They are thinking seriously of getting married. Ole blue is helping them to discuss issues that destroy relationships and,they are showing a real interest in learning as much as they can about themselves and each other. They have seen each other in illness and under stress. They are discussing finances, family, work, privacy, independence, children and anything else that applies. They are learning about compromise and conflict. That's a helluva lot more than I ever did.

There are no sure things in life except death. Even with all the advance work they are doing it is not certain that they will succeed but they will be way ahead of most newlyweds. I took their rose colored glasses away.



Your pal,

blue

 

[lala]

*sniff, sniff*

merelan, well said. vlad- i've thought a lot about marriage and babies and things lately (much to the consternation of my significant other) and i have to say, there are a few ways to ensure that you are ready.

would you get a tattoo commemorating your marriage? (tattoos are forever, or at east until you die and your skin rots off,...)

do you miss her when she goes to the bathroom?

do you smile when you think about her?

does your heart (or anything else for that matter ) jump when she walks in the room?

are you itchin' for the day when you can use your beer hand to emphasize the phrase "listen to your mother!" (joking...)

can you see yourself with her when you're old? do you want to be with her when she's not pretty anymore?

do you reach out to her in your sleep? or when you wake up?

when you have a shitty day are you anxious 'til the second you're home and in her arms?

you get the idea. if your relationship isn't like that, what is it like? if you're not ready to be up under each other's skin, then don't get married.

marriage is permanent and binding, if you don't think your marriage is solid enough to get a tattoo, then you're not thinking permanent enough.

ok, that's my bit. i want you to look at wether or not you want to marry this woman. not wether or not you want to get married, or wether or not marriage is worth the sacrifice,... ask yourself if you love her enough to spend all the really crappy times together, right along with never having to come home to a microwave for love again

ok, i'll get out of here,...
thx for listening

 

[Thumper]

I do...I do...I did what!!!!????

Marriage Sucks!!!!

You can measure how much on a barometer!!!

...well in any case it does put a slight crimp in my dating.


...But I'll manage.

 

[Vlad]

Thanks ladies and gents

Thanks for the sage advice, I will certainly consider all facets of the marriage proposition and try to not make a rash decision. I only visit the BB as an enjoyable diversion to break the monotony while at my office (I'm the most junior partner and work some shitty shifts) so, my girl doesn't know I have been asking for advice.

Thanks again---Vlad

 

[Jeff726]

I am 29 and never been married. Never thought about proposing until recently.
A 22 yr old, beautiful young lady has been living with me for about 6 months. I think, by listening to our friends, she is expecting me to pop the question or she'll be moving on pretty soon.
My question to you, ole learned members and guests, is marriage worth giving up the freedom of being single?

Yes Vlad it is. Sure you may not be doing all the things you used to do, but there is something about the idea of coming home to a woman who adores you for all you are that makes me feel secure. I think if you really feel for this woman, you can forget about the past and start a new life with her.

Even though I am single myself, I don't feel that going out and partying or whatever all the time is a real issue. People sometimes put too much emphasis on that during single life, when really you should be figuring out what you want for your future.