March 31, 2002 -- Ray Dario!

[KillerMuffin]

Hi, I have been around Lit for quite a while and would like to join in this group.

The story I would like to nominate is

"Station Slut"

The Link is

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10899

Points I most want discussed are:

1) Character development (was it enough, how can I improve)

2) Plot development, was it believable ( in a SF kind of way)

3) What you disliked about the story

and

4) What you liked about the story.

Thanks

Ray

 

[DRxBlue]

Thanks Mr. Oompa Loompa!

i quite enjoyed this tale. i can almost see you doing the math in your head.

"Now if there are 11 guys and she does 1 a day ...
and if Mike gets to go to ALL the gang bangs..."

Being a long time reader of science fiction, i appreciated the crafting of the space environment. Different types of people thrust together and having to deal with the pressures of isolation -- classic theme.

i was in the Navy also, so a good deal of this kind of pressure cooking i've experienced personally. The freedom we get here at Lit gives you a chance to come up with solutions that Bob Heinlein couldn't have toyed with.

i think you used that power quite well. The story/eroticism ratio was nicely balanced. i liked the inter-character honesty in the pre-bang scene, very important.

The choreography of the gang-bang itself was well done. (i wonder how many times you had to play it through in your head to get it just right? Aah--the painful toil our art demands)

The characters were surprisingly well drawn considering that each had but a short time on the stage.

There were elements that grated a bit for me. i personally find dialogue during sex a distraction. There wasn't much, and you did mention that Mike liked to hear it. Still,

"Yes Mike, cum in my pussy, fill me up with your cum baby!" and any line with the phrase "sloppy (pick a number)" tend to wilt me. Personal quirk, not your fault.

i'm still not qualified to comment on mechanics or form. It's been a LONG time since high school for me, and i'm playing "catch up" with the help of KillerMuffin & Whispersecret.

i know how silly it seems to follow all the rules when dialogue lines are as short as "Oh Lord! Yes, fuck yes!" (a line i liked BTW, i DO love it when a woman makes noise)

There's not a lot you could trim, to my mind, without losing important texture. All in all i'd say the project succeeds. Eh! But i'm such a cheerleader!

i'd like to see it done as a short film. Why do i keep flashing on this image of Deanna Troi with come running down her chin?

Oh--yeah--i'm always flashing on that image. Never mind!

Keep it up Mr. Dario!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Points I most want discussed are:

1) Character development (was it enough, how can I improve)
-For a short story with this much action, including any more character development w/o a significant increase in the word count could be a challenge. It might help if she and Mike were to struggle with some possible downside(s) or complication(s) related to her plan. As is, the female seems almost clinical in her approach to the issue and Mike quickly overcomes his hangups.

2) Plot development, was it believable ( in a SF kind of way)
-Yes and no. The plot development was reasonable, IF the reader buys into the idea that a "normal" woman with "normal" reproductive organs can take that much use with no negative side-effects such as yeast infections or any down-time for heavy periods. Of course, I'm the type who, as a kid, always wondered when the cowboys went to the bathroom. (Mel Brooks, bless his warped mind, finally answered that question).

3) What you disliked about the story
-There was a "sing-song" feel to the prose and a lack of flow that seemed to keep me, as reader, at a distance. For what it's worth, many, many sentences, sometime everyone in a paragraph, began either with someone's name or with a pronoun, "he," "she," "they."

4) What you liked about the story.
-It was well organized, the sex scenes "worked," and the writing was tight, with little padding.

Good work, Ray. Hope some of this helps.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Ray Dario]

Thanks to both RF and DRxBlue. I really do appreciate the comments.

The pattern of starting each sentence with a pronoun or name is one I battle a lot and I have a long ways to go. I have also recently discovered a tendency toward narrative in my stories. These are two afflictions which I really dislike, especially in my own writing.

Well, that's what this is all about, learning to do better.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Ray

 

[cherrylips_au]

I quite enjoyed the story actually read it twice. The things you wanted discussed;
Character development
I thought we were given enough information on each character as it was a short story dealing with a small part of their lives. One thing I would question was if they all had feelings of love towards Trisha I'm not sure if they could all accept a gang bang situation so easierly. I would think it could bring out more jealous feelings from the other crew especially as Mike was involved in all.

Plot Development
It was a good plot but as a woman reading it I had a few questions. I would be thinking she would have to have some recovery time after so much sex. Also her periods I was wondering do they stop when in space? I did think it flowed well otherwise.

What I disliked about the story
I didn't think you needed to decribe the time taken to do something as "long minutes" it was mentioned in the foreplay between Bill and Trisha a few times. Instead of "...long minutes of kissing and petting ..." maybe passionately kissing and petting or leisurely kissing and petting. The other thing that caught me was the spelling of consellor it was spelt conselor I know it's only a little thing and it could be one of those words that Australians spell different.

What I liked about the story
I enjoyed it, I think it was well written and flowed well. The sex scenes worked well especially the gang bang, I liked how they all discussed it before jump into it. I also thought it was realistic that Bill shot cum on to her body as he couldn't contain his excitement.

I hope this is helpful as this has been the first time I've offered any detailed criticism. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Points I most want discussed are:

1) Character development (was it enough, how can I improve)

2) Plot development, was it believable ( in a SF kind of way)

3) What you disliked about the story

and

4) What you liked about the story.

1. I didn't feel taken with the characters, sadly, but maybe that's just me. Sure, they were described in fair detail, but I just didn't get a good sense of who they were - how they thought, how they got on with each other. There were some discrepencies that seemed to annoy me slightly, like the way that the Counsellor was described as being an expert in keeping emotion separate from the sex, but was later revealed to love all of the men on the station in different ways. The apparently angry Mike, who was ready to cause real problems for all on board simply because of his jealousy that the other men were having sessions with the Counsellor suddenly had all his rage evaporate very quickly, without the mental turmoil that one might have expected him to go through in the situation. You don't want this particular story much longer, but if it was me, I'd want a little more dialogue and interaction between the characters outside the sex scenes. It's probably just me, though! I think there wasn't quite enough in the characters to really get me hooked. Bill, for example, made me think of a character from 'King of the Hill' for some reason, and I had to stop myself giggling when he was involved in a sex scene. I apologise for thinking this way, I'm sure it was my bad.

2. I think you missed a real trick with the plot, to be honest. The great thing about science fiction is that you can start out writing a story as if it's any normal non-SF story, only there's these things about your writing that puzzle the reader because they're apparently completely weird. Then slowly, you can reveal the secret behind these weird things to the reader until by about half-way through, everything seems completely logical, and everyone gets exactly what's going on. This is a simple SF way of getting the reader mystified and then explaining things to them to give them a little pleasure in finding out what is going on. With your plot, you opened the scene, then suddenly explained everything, not only bogging down the pace, but getting into dangerous territory comprehension-wise. I may be a bit dim, but I find it easier to understand the creation of an SF world if the details are given to me bit by bit rather than all in a heap. I might even have had to stop then go back a second time and make sure I'd got all the details sorted in my head before I continued. Bad on pace, that, and risks making me the reader give up halfway through the potted world history. Hmm... I hope you get what I'm saying on that! On the whole, everything seemed to get resolved too easily, and so there wasn't much to really surprise the reader or make them think about anything after they'd finished the story. Just my opinion, though...

3. Well, aside from that clustering of the back story, there were a few things I didn't quite get. I may have missed something, but was there a particular reason why there were no women on this deep space station other than the Counsellor? Like DRxBlue, I'm not a great fan of the word 'sloppy' at the best of times, though that's purely subjective. I also personally thought you wore out the word 'fuck' a little - just a little difference in the language would have been appreciated. Perhaps use a bit more metaphorical language here and there to make things seem more intense - the proceedings seemed to get a little list-like at times. More dialogue, more motivations explored, more inner feelings and really writing using all the senses might have made things better, I think. Be careful with science fiction in clustering your explanation of the world into one heap. Not only is it bad for the pace, but it also makes it seem that you the writer are explaining everything there is to explain in that one bit. Some of the explanations you included in that bit seemed obvious (don't be afraid of letting the readers make their own connections in SF) and yet there also seemed to be some holes in your explanations. Sometimes when you control and limit exactly what you explain to your readers in SF, you can actually make things seem even more authentic, I think.

4. Well, you can write, certainly. Aside from a few typos and stylistic problems that have been picked up on in this thread already, at least it was flowing enough to keep me reading. The set-up was a well-used theme, but nicely transplanted into a SF context, and it was all kind of believable. I'm quite a fan of science fiction, but I prefer stuff that is believable - stuff that could happen. I believed in your theory that people in deep space would go crazy without sex, and in the slight conspiratorial overtones in the space companies employing these sluts and calling them 'counsellors' to keep those at home happy. Perhaps that could have been exploited as a storyline more imaginatively.


Well, hope that helps out, I know some of it might be a little confusing because I've just splurged out all my thoughts at once here. Actually, my comments seem to have come out fairly negatively, but I'll bet this is because I quite like writing SF myself, so I have that insider's eye.

I can assure you I quite enjoyed this piece on the whole, and the fact that I stuck with it to the end is a sign that you have talent as a writer. I am very bad at keeping my concentration through some of the stories I see at literotica. So well done, Ray, keep it up!

 

[Ray Dario]

Thanks CherryLips and Max. I really appreciate your comments. They give me lots to think about and hopefully improve on.

Thanks

Ray