"Marathon Girl" just posted...feedback requested.

ninefe2dg

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http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=331099

This is a story I've been working on for some time. The beginning of it reflects my predilection for a "same thing repeated every day" theme, a la "Groundhog Day" and "50 First Dates", but unlike those flicks, there's nothing surreal, no Goldfield's Syndrome...just an admirer who sees a woman training for a marathon running the same route each day.

I've invested a lot in this story, so I'd like any frank criticism/feedback you might have, positive or negative. I'd like to make this story as good as it possibly can be.

One interesting note (interesting to me at least!) I was stuck in the middle of this story for some time, not knowing quite where to take it. In another thread of mine, in talking about sex scenes, Tickled Kitty posted the comment "Maybe you just need a little practice." Somehow, that made it a bit clearer where the story should be headed. In fact, that line actually appears in the story. Whether I pulled off a decent tale, though, remains to be seen. I thought it was kinda cool how a seemingly innocuous comment turned an entire story around...But thanks, TK, you helped out when you didn't even know it.

Thanks, all.
 
I read this last night out of interest in the running theme (I run). I liked it overall and voted you a 5. I will post some more detailed comments tonight, when i'm back at home. :rose:
 
Your first introduction of Will rather painted him as a pervy type. I wasn't sure about him at all! The signs he wrote to attract Lelanni's attention were an amusing part of the story. They definitely removed the suspician he was pervy in some way - even tho Lelanni was still unsure about him.

From a somewhat slow start, the story gained momentum nicely once the two main characters got together. The boyfriend character felt a little one dimensional for some reason, but it didn't detract from the story. It was nice that Lelanni ended that relationship before she decided to see Will again.

The sex scenes were both poignantly sweet and sexy. The pan burning in the background during the final scene was a nice touch. It added a sense of realism.

I liked your characters and I enjoyed the story. I hope that reassures you that you did a good job with the story.
 
I just read and PC'd this. I liked it a lot. I'm flattered that my "innocuous remark" was helpful. ;)

One thing I did notice is that you leave a lot of junk in paragraphs with dialogue. It's better to let the dialogue stand by itself. Oh, and there were a couple spots where one person was speaking, but the other person's thoughts were kind of interjected in between, but still in the same paragraph. I think I'd probably separate those into their own paragraphs. If you need me to, I can go back and find them and point them out to you.

Also, when it came to the sex scene, I felt like both of them were maybe talking too much? This could certainly be just my personal preference, but I felt like they were trying to make a witty comment on every move. I'm getting a sense of deja vu here. Hmmm. :D

However, this is just nitpicking on my part, and I really enjoyed the story very much. I really liked Will. He's goofy and sweet and pretty clever. All the things I find particularly appealing. :)
 
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rachlou said:
Your first introduction of Will rather painted him as a pervy type. I wasn't sure about him at all! The signs he wrote to attract Lelanni's attention were an amusing part of the story. They definitely removed the suspician he was pervy in some way - even tho Lelanni was still unsure about him.

From a somewhat slow start, the story gained momentum nicely once the two main characters got together. The boyfriend character felt a little one dimensional for some reason, but it didn't detract from the story. It was nice that Lelanni ended that relationship before she decided to see Will again.

The sex scenes were both poignantly sweet and sexy. The pan burning in the background during the final scene was a nice touch. It added a sense of realism.

I liked your characters and I enjoyed the story. I hope that reassures you that you did a good job with the story.

Thanks, rachlou. I was trying to avoid Makul being "evil", which would have been easy enough to do. Rather, I wanted him to be more self-centered, arrogant, and immature. But not mean or abusive. I actually thought about a prequel, of Lelanni and Makul in better times, which would force me to develop his character more fully.

I think the beginning could be streamlined. I just didn't see any part of it I wanted to cut or shorten, though I did spend no small amount of time talking basically saying the neighborhood was bland and cookie-cutter...

Thanks for reading through the story and commenting. I really appreciate it! :)
 
tickledkitty said:
I just read and PC'd this. I liked it a lot. I'm flattered that my "innocuous remark" was helpful. ;)

One thing I did notice is that you leave a lot of junk in paragraphs with dialogue. It's better to let the dialogue stand by itself. Oh, and there were a couple spots where one person was speaking, but the other person's thoughts were kind of interjected in between, but still in the same paragraph. I think I'd probably separate those into their own paragraphs. If you need me to, I can go back and find them and point them out to you.

Also, when it came to the sex scene, I felt like both of them were maybe talking too much? This could certainly be just my personal preference, but I felt like they were trying to make a witty comment on every move. I'm getting a sense of deja vu here. Hmmm. :D

However, this is just nitpicking on my part, and I really enjoyed the story very much. I really liked Will. He's goofy and sweet and pretty clever. All the things I find particularly appealing. :)

Hi TK, I was hoping you would comment. Thanks! By "junk", do you mean mixing the prose with the dialogue? On the other point, agreed, I'll separate those paragraphs out...I can go back and look for those...

re deja vu...oh well, I need more practice :)...I did try to cut back, but couldn't quite keep either of their mouths shut. You didn't mention all the stuff that kept going wrong though...Lelanni in uncomfy position, TV coming on, her tossing the skirt in his face, his not liking the music...but to me, that's just how it is sometimes.

Part of the problem is that I use the characters to take me thru the sex scene, rather than describe it...I will look at it again...thanks again.

As I said, I thought it was cool how your comment sparked ideas. I'm glad you liked how it turned out :)
 
ninefe2dg said:
Hi TK, I was hoping you would comment. Thanks! By "junk", do you mean mixing the prose with the dialogue? On the other point, agreed, I'll separate those paragraphs out...I can go back and look for those...

re deja vu...oh well, I need more practice :)...I did try to cut back, but couldn't quite keep either of their mouths shut. You didn't mention all the stuff that kept going wrong though...Lelanni in uncomfy position, TV coming on, her tossing the skirt in his face, his not liking the music...but to me, that's just how it is sometimes.

Part of the problem is that I use the characters to take me thru the sex scene, rather than describe it...I will look at it again...thanks again.

As I said, I thought it was cool how your comment sparked ideas. I'm glad you liked how it turned out :)

Yes! LOL. Prose. I'm sorry. I was in a hurry when I wrote that earlier.

I actually like the banter but felt there was just a bit too much of it, and it takes away from the moment. Does that make sense? It pulls the reader's attention away from the love and the sex, which is really what we want to focus on at that point, right? I'm no expert, by any means, so this is subjective.

I'm glad you stuck with it. :)
 
tickledkitty said:
I actually like the banter but felt there was just a bit too much of it, and it takes away from the moment. Does that make sense? It pulls the reader's attention away from the love and the sex, which is really what we want to focus on at that point, right? I'm no expert, by any means, so this is subjective.
I have to disagree with TK here. I really liked the banter and I think it added a greater depth to the sexual interaction. Very often sex scenes are written purely as a description of the physical actions and to introduce dialogue and a certain amount of awkwardness, ie. finding yourself in an uncomfortable position, clothes not coming off easily blah blah, adds realism. To me it made the characters feel like real people and allowed me to relate to them. I don't think you needed to curtail any of it - but thats just my opinion. :)

Yes, I do think perhaps you could have tightened up some of the descriptive paragraphs re: the neighbourhood. I felt the first page was longer than it needed to be. Without going through it now, I can't off the top of my head say which bits exactly, but that was the only part of the story that didn't flow as well (for me).
 
I'd say Marathon Girl reflects a whole lot of growth from you, as a writer. I'm really impressed.

Although I see others found the opening a bit slow, I didn't at all. I was engrossed in the image you were rendering of the suburban development, and found it painfully, wryly accurate. And I enjoyed your depiction of Lelanni's mind-set and sensations during her training. Also, I think you did a great job, stepping away from your usual voice, and trying a different narrative style.

On the whole, this piece felt more mature--both as a piece of writing, and in the subject matter depicted--than your other pieces I've read. The characters come across as more substantive, and there's more there to empathize and ride with.

On matters of character and voice, I felt like Lelanni slipped a little, here and there, meaning she didn't seem entirely consistent as a character, apart from the fact that she is a dynamic character, who changes during the course of the story. When we first encounter her, her determination to train and do the race seems fundamental to who she is, and it seemed a bit off, to me, to discover that she's taken on the marathon as part of her over-immersion in/subjecting her identity to her relationship. I realize that part of the point is that she's lost sight of the line between what she wants for herself, and what she does to make her boyfriend happy, but the determination and focus we see in the opening scene doesn't feel like it fits with her later indifference to the race, and training.

A smaller point: there's one moment in the story where we're in her POV, and there's a "same bat time..." quip, which to me rang of past narrators, and came on the heels of Will's POV reference to I Love Lucy, so it felt a bit like the lines were blurring, there.

I had a similar response to rachlou to the introduction of Will, jerking off to thoughts of Lelanni's ass the first time he lays eyes on her; he just sounded skeezy. But he quickly became a likable character, and I thought you handled the dialog and interactions nicely.

One minor structural issue: I tripped on the flashback to the breakup; it took me until I was a ways back into the dinner date scene to realize we'd gone back in time, then come back to the future (pop culture pun entirely for your benefit).

As far as the banter/sex tension, I agree with both TK and rachlou. I think. :rolleyes: On one hand, the quipping and teasing diffused some of the sexual momentum, for me, but at the same time, it made the interactions seem very human, and ultimately more endearing. So, I guess for me, it meant a little less heat between the thighs, but a warmer fuzzy in the tummy. The balance felt right, for the story you're telling, and who these characters are. BTW, I found the hand job scene quite hot. ;) (though it seemed a tad out of place for her to take it in the face at the end).

All in all, a sweet story, well told. Your hard work paid off, my dear. :rose:
 
Varian P said:
I'd say Marathon Girl reflects a whole lot of growth from you, as a writer. I'm really impressed.

Although I see others found the opening a bit slow, I didn't at all. I was engrossed in the image you were rendering of the suburban development, and found it painfully, wryly accurate. And I enjoyed your depiction of Lelanni's mind-set and sensations during her training. Also, I think you did a great job, stepping away from your usual voice, and trying a different narrative style.

On the whole, this piece felt more mature--both as a piece of writing, and in the subject matter depicted--than your other pieces I've read. The characters come across as more substantive, and there's more there to empathize and ride with.

On matters of character and voice, I felt like Lelanni slipped a little, here and there, meaning she didn't seem entirely consistent as a character, apart from the fact that she is a dynamic character, who changes during the course of the story. When we first encounter her, her determination to train and do the race seems fundamental to who she is, and it seemed a bit off, to me, to discover that she's taken on the marathon as part of her over-immersion in/subjecting her identity to her relationship. I realize that part of the point is that she's lost sight of the line between what she wants for herself, and what she does to make her boyfriend happy, but the determination and focus we see in the opening scene doesn't feel like it fits with her later indifference to the race, and training.

A smaller point: there's one moment in the story where we're in her POV, and there's a "same bat time..." quip, which to me rang of past narrators, and came on the heels of Will's POV reference to I Love Lucy, so it felt a bit like the lines were blurring, there.

I had a similar response to rachlou to the introduction of Will, jerking off to thoughts of Lelanni's ass the first time he lays eyes on her; he just sounded skeezy. But he quickly became a likable character, and I thought you handled the dialog and interactions nicely.

One minor structural issue: I tripped on the flashback to the breakup; it took me until I was a ways back into the dinner date scene to realize we'd gone back in time, then come back to the future (pop culture pun entirely for your benefit).

As far as the banter/sex tension, I agree with both TK and rachlou. I think. :rolleyes: On one hand, the quipping and teasing diffused some of the sexual momentum, for me, but at the same time, it made the interactions seem very human, and ultimately more endearing. So, I guess for me, it meant a little less heat between the thighs, but a warmer fuzzy in the tummy. The balance felt right, for the story you're telling, and who these characters are. BTW, I found the hand job scene quite hot. ;) (though it seemed a tad out of place for her to take it in the face at the end).

All in all, a sweet story, well told. Your hard work paid off, my dear. :rose:


I knew when I wrote the piece, that I've come a ways with all this in the last six months when I started, and that's a great feeling. It's also a good feeling to get that affirmation from someone I respect so much as well, so thank you for that!

You hit upon my two concerns, one of which was pointed out by TK and rachlou...as always, just how "titillating" was the sex, especially with the dialogue. It seems you and rachlou (and I think me) are in the camp that the interactions, the occasional bumbles are all OK in the context of the story and the characters in it...as I said, I "think" I'm fine with it, but not completely sure. I think TK has a point, but as I'm starting to discover, it's simply impossible to "please" everyone (not that I'm doing this to please others, but you know what I mean). So I may mull that over a bit more. For my next story at least, I may ask TK to impose a banter quota on me! :)

The bigger concern I had, which you hit on, was the consistency of Lelanni's character from start to finish. I was concerned because I wrote this on and off over a period of three months, and felt I did lose some of the momentum of her character. In the end, I justifed it a couple of ways (first, I'll play the "she watches TV Land" card, which we find out later with her "correctamundo" response to Happy Days...and claim she would therefore also be aware of battime/batchannel :)...more importantly, what I was trying to do (or I think I was trying to do), was give her some perspective. She was SO focused on the training that she had tunnel vision.

Will is a distraction at first, but, he's kind of in the right place at the right time, and just so happens to do all the things he should be to get her attention and win her affection. He's clever (at least I think he is), but he's also lucky. So, once he has her attention, she starts to see the training (as well as her relationship with Makul) in a different light. The fact that she's in some pain/discomfort also causes her to rethink it as well. In the breakup scene, she does say "I may run in it, I may not". I think at the end of the story, she's exasperated with Makul, she might be a bit confused, and so the marathon decision is kind of up in the air when the story ends. Or at least, over the course of these couple of days, it's just not as much of a priority. To be honest, I think, if her knee turns out to be all right, she may run in it anyway, unless Makul winds up being such a jerk that she just wants to avoid him.

She may have started doing it with Makul, but she may in the end realize there WAS as element of doing it for herself...To paraphrase Lelanni, "I may write more, I may not." ;) What I do like about this story is that I do see there potentially being more to tell, both before (her relationship with Makul in better times) and after.

I think the j/o scene at the beginning adds little, and detracts from Will's character. I'm thinking of axing it. Originally I put it in there knowing I'd take a long time to get to "sex", so it's almost gratuitous. While I like Debbie "busting" him for it later, I think I can figure out another way to get her to bust his chops. I think her presence is important in nudging Will along.

I find nothing really extraordinary/sexy about a girl getting a faceful of cum, it was more that some of it caught her in the face...more of a "fact"...I may shoot it elsewhere ;)

Marty McFly was waiting for you next to the Delorean to take you back several hours and you missed the flight. (I love it when you "get me" ;)) I like to avoid little titles like "Earlier that day", as they have a "meanwhile back at the ranch" quality about them to me. Though, another person got hung up with the asterisks earlier in the story, not knowing I was going from day to day...

Thank you, as always! Thank you to everyone, too, who has thought to comment thusfar!!
 
Nine,

You certainly cannot please everyone. You must please yourself. I am not an expert here. I'm still learning just like you. Maybe I'm wrong about the bantering. It's just my personal preference, but even then, it wasn't so bothersome as to ruin the rest of the story for me. If I had been reading it just for pleasure, I'd still have kept reading.

Personally, I liked the JO scene. It made Will seem human, typical guy. I also like that he comes off kind of pervy at first, but then redeems himself. Again, typical guy.

Also, as Varian said, I liked the beginning. I liked seeing that neighborhood. I didn't think it was too slow. I also agree that this piece seems more mature, and you are right to be proud of it.

Isn't that growth thing the best thing of all? I noticed it too, just between my first story and the second one. A huge difference, due to my great editor and the good people here on this forum. I feel like I know things that I don't even know that I know. :D That is, I don't realize I know them until I'm writing or giving a critique of someone else's work. It's so satisfying.

*happy sigh*

Well, off to work on my Halloween story. :cool:
 
tickledkitty said:
Nine,

You certainly cannot please everyone. You must please yourself. I am not an expert here. I'm still learning just like you. Maybe I'm wrong about the bantering. It's just my personal preference, but even then, it wasn't so bothersome as to ruin the rest of the story for me. If I had been reading it just for pleasure, I'd still have kept reading.

Personally, I liked the JO scene. It made Will seem human, typical guy. I also like that he comes off kind of pervy at first, but then redeems himself. Again, typical guy.

Also, as Varian said, I liked the beginning. I liked seeing that neighborhood. I didn't think it was too slow. I also agree that this piece seems more mature, and you are right to be proud of it.

Isn't that growth thing the best thing of all? I noticed it too, just between my first story and the second one. A huge difference, due to my great editor and the good people here on this forum. I feel like I know things that I don't even know that I know. :D That is, I don't realize I know them until I'm writing or giving a critique of someone else's work. It's so satisfying.

*happy sigh*

Well, off to work on my Halloween story. :cool:

Yes, I know you can't...as I said "please" isn't quite the right word :)...what I find fascinating is getting different opinions, different perspectives, all of which make sense, but sometimes they conflict. Not everyone has the same POV, so in the end, you have to sift through all the feedback, and challenge yourself to think what it is you're really after in composing the story. That's when I came to the realization that the j/o scene was more gratuitious, it's like, I'm writing a sex story, I know I'm not getting to the sex any time soon, better throw some in there now. Now I think the story stands alone without it I'm thinking another scene, shorter, maybe even just some random, pervy, "typical guy" ;) types of thoughts.

Good luck w/ your Halloween story! I don't have one, convinced you could measure in nannoseconds how long it would take me to break out a Scooby Doo reference!
 
ninefe2dg said:
Good luck w/ your Halloween story! I don't have one, convinced you could measure in nannoseconds how long it would take me to break out a Scooby Doo reference!

You could use, "Those damn kids!" as your opening line, just to get it out of your system, then play it straight, from there.

:)
 
Varian P said:
You could use, "Those damn kids!" as your opening line, just to get it out of your system, then play it straight, from there.

:)

Gosh, I could try, but next thing you know, my characters are riding in the Mystery Machine, another is addicted to Scooby snacks, and another "ralks rust rike ris!!"...Rooby Rooby Roo!!

And just so everyone is clear...I'd take Velma over Daphne any day! :D
 
ninefe2dg said:
You hit upon my two concerns, one of which was pointed out by TK and rachlou...as always, just how "titillating" was the sex, especially with the dialogue. It seems you and rachlou (and I think me) are in the camp that the interactions, the occasional bumbles are all OK in the context of the story and the characters in it...as I said, I "think" I'm fine with it, but not completely sure. I think TK has a point, but as I'm starting to discover, it's simply impossible to "please" everyone (not that I'm doing this to please others, but you know what I mean). So I may mull that over a bit more. For my next story at least, I may ask TK to impose a banter quota on me! :)

Not only can we not please everyone, but, as you seem to be discovering, it's sometimes hard to completely please oneself. I struggle with the titillation factor in everything I write, often find myself rolling my eyes at my pornier scenes, back off into a more impressionistic mode, then come around full circle all over again.

In the end, I try to find what works best in driving the specific story or scene I'm writing. If it's important to convey that the characters are excruciatingly turned on (for example, this would be key if a character has had painful sexual experiences in the past and is discovering her own arousal for the first time ever or in a long while), then I want the reader to get turned on, to vicariously experience the intensity of what's happening.

On the other hand, if the key themes are about emotional connection, trust, or what have you, then showing every glistening pearl of pre-cum isn't so important. In that case, it's great to see that characters are comfortable enough to laugh and joke during the sex--it makes them more trustworthy to us, and conveys the comfort level between them.

Since you're making a conscious effort to explore and expand your writing repertoir, I think it's well worth while to take a shot at some high-tension explicit, non-chit chat sex, for the sheer sake of doing it. But you shouldn't feel like every erotic story has to have some minimum density of stroke scenes.

ninefe2dg said:
The bigger concern I had, which you hit on, was the consistency of Lelanni's character from start to finish. I was concerned because I wrote this on and off over a period of three months, and felt I did lose some of the momentum of her character. In the end, I justifed it a couple of ways (first, I'll play the "she watches TV Land" card, which we find out later with her "correctamundo" response to Happy Days...and claim she would therefore also be aware of battime/batchannel :)...

I actually think it works well as a point of common ground for both Will and Lelanni to have those references—it gives them a point of connection. And, as we've discussed before, I think you do a great job of drawing on aspects of Americana that give flavor to your stories, and also call up imagery a lot of readers can instantly relate to. I'd just caution against playing that card so much that all your narrators and characters end up sounding like the same person (which I don't think is happening here).

ninefe2dg said:
more importantly, what I was trying to do (or I think I was trying to do), was give her some perspective. She was SO focused on the training that she had tunnel vision.

Will is a distraction at first...So, once he has her attention, she starts to see the training (as well as her relationship with Makul) in a different light. The fact that she's in some pain/discomfort also causes her to rethink it as well. In the breakup scene, she does say "I may run in it, I may not". I think at the end of the story, she's exasperated with Makul, she might be a bit confused, and so the marathon decision is kind of up in the air when the story ends. Or at least, over the course of these couple of days, it's just not as much of a priority. To be honest, I think, if her knee turns out to be all right, she may run in it anyway, unless Makul winds up being such a jerk that she just wants to avoid him.

She may have started doing it with Makul, but she may in the end realize there WAS as element of doing it for herself...

I actually think the trajectory makes perfect sense, and I was kind of reading a lot of those thoughts into her actions. I think it might just work a bit better if at some point we see her reassess her attitude toward the marathon, beyond the conversation with Makul—so we see that she enjoys pushing herself, and meeting a challenge, but realizes that compulsively forcing herself when she's injured is stupid, or whatever her thought process actually is. I just was a little uncomfortable with the doubt that when she's done with Makul, this endeavor that seemed so central to her character—so much so that the story is called “Marathon Girl”--just gets shrugged off. At that point it's like she never had an identity of her own (which actually is an interesting story, but it doesn't seem like this is that story).

ninefe2dg said:
I think the j/o scene at the beginning adds little, and detracts from Will's character. I'm thinking of axing it. Originally I put it in there knowing I'd take a long time to get to "sex", so it's almost gratuitous. While I like Debbie "busting" him for it later, I think I can figure out another way to get her to bust his chops. I think her presence is important in nudging Will along.

Personally, I don't mind the masturbation, per se, it's just that the way this particular scene comes across, his fixation on her ass just read as kind of weirdly objectifying, and I kind of see this creepy voyeur, and I can almost hear him panting and huffing “yeah, baby, show me that ass!” over and over.

I don't think the story needs the scene, for the sake of upping the sex/story ratio. But if you think it works, I don't think it would take much to tone down the creepy. One way would simply be to not make it about Lelanni, but rather about showing that Will's lonely and horny. :) BTW, I thought it happening in the car was fine, and I enjoyed Debbie busting him for it later, too.

ninefe2dg said:
I find nothing really extraordinary/sexy about a girl getting a faceful of cum, it was more that some of it caught her in the face...more of a "fact"...I may shoot it elsewhere ;)

The thing that struck me as odd about that is that she was in control, and didn't take care not to spray herself. I mean, if she's going for shock value, ok, but otherwise, it's not like it's hard to aim it elsewhere. His face, maybe. :devil:

ninefe2dg said:
Marty McFly was waiting for you next to the Delorean to take you back several hours and you missed the flight. (I love it when you "get me" ;)) I like to avoid little titles like "Earlier that day", as they have a "meanwhile back at the ranch" quality about them to me. Though, another person got hung up with the asterisks earlier in the story, not knowing I was going from day to day...

Just, whatever you do, don't start breaking your scenes with strings of OOOOOO. That shit drives people crazy!
 
Not only can we not please everyone, but, as you seem to be discovering, it's sometimes hard to completely please oneself. I struggle with the titillation factor in everything I write, often find myself rolling my eyes at my pornier scenes, back off into a more impressionistic mode, then come around full circle all over again.

In the end, I try to find what works best in driving the specific story or scene I'm writing. If it's important to convey that the characters are excruciatingly turned on (for example, this would be key if a character has had painful sexual experiences in the past and is discovering her own arousal for the first time ever or in a long while), then I want the reader to get turned on, to vicariously experience the intensity of what's happening.

On the other hand, if the key themes are about emotional connection, trust, or what have you, then showing every glistening pearl of pre-cum isn't so important. In that case, it's great to see that characters are comfortable enough to laugh and joke during the sex--it makes them more trustworthy to us, and conveys the comfort level between them.

Since you're making a conscious effort to explore and expand your writing repertoir, I think it's well worth while to take a shot at some high-tension explicit, non-chit chat sex, for the sheer sake of doing it. But you shouldn't feel like every erotic story has to have some minimum density of stroke scenes.


A lot to think about in these comments. To be honest, I'm enjoying the different perspectives I'm getting for this story. And not everyone agrees. The point is, if you trust/respect the opinions (which I certainly do!), the conflict (or sometimes apparent conflict) forces me to dig deep and decide what it is I'm trying to accomplish with a scene, a character, a plot line, what have you...

I thought about a prequel, Makul and Lelanni in happier times, where he's constantly putting his kama in her sutra ;). Upon further thought, I think there is more to this story, and I'm contemplating a Part 2, which is already taking shape in my mind. That would be a good place for the non-chit chat sex scene. Just don't laugh! (at least not too hard!)


I actually think it works well as a point of common ground for both Will and Lelanni to have those references—it gives them a point of connection. And, as we've discussed before, I think you do a great job of drawing on aspects of Americana that give flavor to your stories, and also call up imagery a lot of readers can instantly relate to. I'd just caution against playing that card so much that all your narrators and characters end up sounding like the same person (which I don't think is happening here).

Add to that not everyone always "gets" them, either. And, depending on what/who I want my audience to be, I also need to be aware that non-Americans may not, and probably don't get, Americana. Dennis Miller the comedian gets away with it since he's already popular, and doesn't care if fans don't get half of what he says. I don't have that luxury. Yet. ;)

I actually think the trajectory makes perfect sense, and I was kind of reading a lot of those thoughts into her actions. I think it might just work a bit better if at some point we see her reassess her attitude toward the marathon, beyond the conversation with Makul—so we see that she enjoys pushing herself, and meeting a challenge, but realizes that compulsively forcing herself when she's injured is stupid, or whatever her thought process actually is. I just was a little uncomfortable with the doubt that when she's done with Makul, this endeavor that seemed so central to her character—so much so that the story is called "Marathon Girl"--just gets shrugged off. At that point it's like she never had an identity of her own (which actually is an interesting story, but it doesn't seem like this is that story).

I agree, and as I said, I was concerned that, even though she's a dynamic character as you pointed out, I might have gone a bit overboard. I have some ideas on how to fix that. There does need to be some, not so much "closure", but some acknowledgment of the focus and determination we see at the outset of the story. It could be the laissez faire "I may run in it, I may not" could be more to frustrate Makul, and she doesn't really mean it...having her bail because of knee pain might be the easy way out...I'll work on it...

Personally, I don't mind the masturbation, per se, it's just that the way this particular scene comes across, his fixation on her ass just read as kind of weirdly objectifying, and I kind of see this creepy voyeur, and I can almost hear him panting and huffing "yeah, baby, show me that ass!" over and over.

I don't think the story needs the scene, for the sake of upping the sex/story ratio. But if you think it works, I don't think it would take much to tone down the creepy. One way would simply be to not make it about Lelanni, but rather about showing that Will's lonely and horny. :) BTW, I thought it happening in the car was fine, and I enjoyed Debbie busting him for it later, too.


I think it can work, if it speaks to Will's loneliness, and not so much his raw horniness. At the moment (and this could change), I think I'll keep it, but alter it to cast Will in a more favorable light. Or at least use it to reveal his character a bit. As I've said, the different views I've gotten on this scene has forced me to think it through. I rather enjoy the internal debate in my mind that was sparked by all the comments! I just don't want to let go of the "bust". That Debbie's a sassy little minx...*going to my car*


The thing that struck me as odd about that is that she was in control, and didn't take care not to spray herself. I mean, if she's going for shock value, ok, but otherwise, it's not like it's hard to aim it elsewhere. His face, maybe. :devil:


Yes, but was she? He wasn't, and it could have been the spurt took them both by surprise. I didn't want a "take it in the face" impression, though, so I'll fix that...

Just, whatever you do, don't start breaking your scenes with strings of OOOOOO. That shit drives people crazy!

I thought it was five O's. I'm calling Jack Lord...
 
I might be a tad too new to comment but I couldn't resist. I absolutely loved your story! I loved the characters, I thought it transitioned well and it definitely kept my attention. I was anxiously scrolling down to read what was going to happen next. I couldn't refrain from laughing at the banter between your main characters. I think it was refreshing and appropriate! Fantastic job!

Just my 2 cents!
 
mellowgyrl said:
I might be a tad too new to comment but I couldn't resist. I absolutely loved your story! I loved the characters, I thought it transitioned well and it definitely kept my attention. I was anxiously scrolling down to read what was going to happen next. I couldn't refrain from laughing at the banter between your main characters. I think it was refreshing and appropriate! Fantastic job!

Just my 2 cents!

Thanks for the comments, mellowgyrl! Glad you couldn't resist! I don't think there's such a thing as being too new to comment. There's no waiting period, no secret handshake (at least not that I'm aware of!) for this board. So thanks for jumping in.

Always looking for ways to improve, so I hope, even when your comments aren't so positive, that you'd still be just as inclined to comment as well! :)

Thanks again for reading, and taking the time to comment!
 
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