Many questions

[QuietListener]

Hello, everyone, welcome to my first post! Let me start out by apologizing for the length of this post – I did my best to keep it short. If you’re willing to bear with me, I’m going to start with a quick introduction to my current situation, talk a little about my predilections, then ask a whole raft of questions. If that sounds interesting to you, read on!

So, here’s my situation. I’m of the (probably) straight (dubiously) male persuasion, and I’ve just discovered that to have relationship with real passion, I need a partner who’s more assertive than I am. I’m wondering if the BDSM community might be a good place to look for a mate.

It seems like this might be a good match for some of my kinks as well. My partner’s pleasure has always been way more important to my than my own. I really, really like the idea of pleasing a partner, of serving, being told what to do, how to do it, being owned, or even just used for pleasure. I’ve never found a limit to how much I enjoy being teased or tormented, and I find the idea of being ruthlessly fucked into the mattress almost unbearably hot.

On the other hand, I’ve found that for me, pain just mostly hurts, and as someone who’s struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, the humiliation aspect of BSDM really doesn’t appeal to me either. I also want there to still be room for sex that’s just fun, or spontaneous, or loving – I’m just not sure I could be 100% sub, 100% of the time.

So here come the questions. Firstly, while I realize my predilections aren’t completely vanilla, the range and extremity of BDSM behaviors is dazzling, and I don’t know where I actually fall on the spectrum. Am I just BDSM lite, or do I even qualify at all? Can I please a dominant partner with my limited range?

Is the BDSM community even where I should be looking for an assertive partner? I realize that just because your dominant in bed doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be dominant everywhere else, after all.

I’d also really like to know how common people like me are, or if there’s a word for what my combination of personality and preference happens to be. BDSM resources tend use very large or very narrow categories

I’ve been unable to find answers to these questions anywhere else. I’ve done my best to search out resources and read them carefully, but I still have no idea whether or not there’s a place for me here.

I’ll admit that I’m nervous posting this, and even more nervous of the idea of putting some of these thoughts into action – the idea of giving over that much power is both exciting and frightening. However, I’ve come to the point where I have to know, and I hope someone out there can help me.

 

[SpunThings]

There are all different kinds of shapes, and colors, and patterns of BDSM relationships. There is no one right way. BDSM is just an umbrella term to refer to a lot of different kinks, activities, and relationship styles.

You're at a great place, because you have a good idea of what you want and don't want. You can communicate to a potential partner that you're not into humiliation or pain, and that you want a romantic relationship, and that you want to give up certain areas of control. Some people work that out organically, and others lay it out on the table as a set of rules or protocol.

Forget the labels. What you're describing is usually called a D/s relationship, but you don't need a specific label for your personal idea of the perfect relationship.

 

[QuietListener]

SpunThings, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I really appreciate it! Just hearing you say that it sounds like I’m describing a D/s relationship is a big relief.

Ordinarily, I do try and avoid labels – I know they can be unhealthy. In this case, I was hoping that a label might help me identify similar people, locate resources, and find a potential mate with complementary interests.

Without a label, I can’t help but worry that I don’t belong. I'm still a little fuzzy on how many BDSM activities you have to enjoy to be a part of the community. I worry that if I don’t accept a broad enough section of D/s activities, that perhaps my kinks don’t really fall under the umbrella of BDSM – that instead, they’re just strange.

I have to admit I’ve been so concerned about whether my predilections add up to “real” D/s, I never considered that instead you could pare down the category to only what you like. That’s a very helpful new perspective to have!

So, thank you again for taking the time to field some of my questions – it’s been a big help. If anyone has more feedback to share, I'd really like to hear it!

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I have a few thoughts for you as well. Most people worry about being able to match up their kinks comfortably, you are definitely not alone on that. Dom(me)s/tops/PYLs also want to find a compatible kinkster. What this means is that you won't, or shouldn't in my opinion, be the only one willing to negotiate. If you find the right partner, you may have to step outside of your comfort zone a little in order to make them happy, or you may have to forego some pleasure or another, but they should be doing the same. Therefore your realm of possibilities just expanded

And if you meet someone who isn't willing to negotiate or respect your boundaries, then keep looking, because they are out there. And when it comes to actually meeting people, you might want to go local if you want real life. That means finding a group in your area, probably FetLife.

Good luck and you can always come back here and ask more questions

 

[IrisAlthea]

If you find the right partner, you may have to step outside of your comfort zone a little in order to make them happy, or you may have to forego some pleasure or another, but they should be doing the same.

This.
You are looking for a person to have a relationship with, as I understand it and that means looking for a person you feel good beeing around.

You already know that this will probably be someone who is assertive both sexually and otherwise but relatively easy going and you know that you don't want pain or humiliation.
This sounds to me like someone you could find both in and out of the BDSM crowd actually, so try to keep to keep an open mind and don't lock yourself into any unnecessary labels or create specific laundry lists of things they have to be.

 

[Netzach]

I'm an assertive type in and out of sexuality, though also very introverted, so you're not going to find me at the front of the single file line. I like being in charge of things in a relationship, but I will also say that if I'm with someone who basically feels like they can rely on my assertion to drive *everything* I will get fed up and overtired. So it's important, even for someone like me, that the other person can bring a modicum of their own initiative into things and be able to express a preference or even override my idea with a new idea some of the time, especially where details are concerned.

 

[QuietListener]

Thanks to everyone who's replied! I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner, but life has been a little crazy the last week or so.

C&C, I really appreciate your advice on being flexible and willing to negotiate with a potential partner - you're right that it really broadens up my options! I need to keep in mind that if I don't leave my comfort zone, it'll be pretty hard to explore new things. Besides, one might argue that getting out of one's comfort zone is kind of the point of submission.

IrisA., you got a really insightful read on what I'm looking for. Also, I thought I might be straddling the borders of BDSM with what I'm looking for myself, and it's really helpful to get some outside confirmation on that. A big thank you as well for coming out against lists. I have used lists like that in the past both when I've gotten a little carried away, and also as a kind of defense mechanism to give me a feeling of control. As exciting as scary as the thought of entering this scene is, the reminder is extremely timely.

Netz, thank you so much for sharing your insight as as someone who's had experience being the more assertive partner! In the relationships I've been in, I've largely been expected to be the driving force to a greater or lesser extent. I've found it can be really exhausting - although for all I knew, more dominant people didn't find it so difficult. It's good to know it wasn't just me! As I mentioned above, I don't think I could be perfectly submissive or passive, and it's nice to know that that could actually be a desirable trait.

As a shout-out to anyone like me who might be reading this post, I've found that some of the blogs linked from the "The Beauty of Submissive Men" thread are actually really helpful. I'm talking here about the ones with words, although the ones with sexy pictures are also very nice. More traditionally informational resources can be useful for building your vocabulary and learning about BDSM practices, but I'm finding that reading blogs and personal reflections can give a real insight in the more human issues around the community - everything from conflicting philosophies to common pet peeves.

Speaking of those blogs, and to return to Collar_N_Cuffs' comments, I am interested in actually seeking out an actual real live D for my s, and a site that keeps coming up a lot is FetLife. However, in my reading I've come across people who hate FetLife with a passion. I know to take them with a grain of salt - dating can be pretty awful just by its nature, and some people will complain about anything - but I'd like to know what I might be getting myself into, and if anyone happens to know of an alternative they'd recommend.

If anyone has some thoughts on that or anything else in the thread, I'd love to hear them!

 

[SpunThings]

My experience of Fetlife: Some few but very outspoken people who have a very narrow view of how things should go (frequently referred to as "one twue wayers"). Lots of other people with various different interests, experiences, personalities, and level of interest in BDSM. Take what you can from it, and leave the rest.

I have no experience with the local connection on the site, as I am not interested in meeting local people. However, it seems like it could be a good gateway to finding local people/groups/events if there are active people in your area.

The tough thing about that is, how many people are interested in what you would be interested in, but just not pursuing community connections in kink/bdsm. You may just have to start dating and being brave enough to slowly open up with someone who seems promising.

 

[editorinwork1]

Curious

Hello,
I understand QuietListner. I myself have lots of questions in my mind which revolves around questioning a lot about what I want/need.
My basic question would be How would you know whether you are Dominant or Submissive.
Does being dominant or submissive revolve only during sex or its a lifestyle?
Does humiliation, exhibition, punishment need to be in BDSM relationship?
Thank you in advance
Have a great day/evening

 

[SpunThings]

Hello,
I understand QuietListner. I myself have lots of questions in my mind which revolves around questioning a lot about what I want/need.
My basic question would be How would you know whether you are Dominant or Submissive.
Does being dominant or submissive revolve only during sex or its a lifestyle?
Does humiliation, exhibition, punishment need to be in BDSM relationship?
Thank you in advance
Have a great day/evening

Here are my perspectives on your questions...

Dominant or Submissive? It's about who has the authority, or who is the leader. Every relationship is different in how this plays out, and what areas the dominant has authority in (not necessarily in every aspect). It's not about who does what to who, or who gets pleasure and who doesn't (we both do in my relationship).

To answer your second question, the dominance submission thing can play out in any way you want. In my relationship it's in sex only. He's in charge of sex (at my choice), and generally in the rest of our relationship it's more of a concensus. At any point if I said I wanted to be done with him being in charge in the bedroom, he'd be fine and we'd do something different. I don't want that because I feel like I need that. He loves it too so it works out.

Humiliation, punishment, and exhibition do not need to be in a D/s relationship (Dominance/submission). We do not do punishment at all, ever. He does things that some might see as punishment, but to me and him it's both of us having our fun. We do not do exhibition. He doesn't have any great drive for it I don't think, and I struggle with social anxiety so that's a definite no. Humiliation in my relationship is fun in light loving doses, but I see "good girl" as a little humiliating. Everyone's idea of what is humiliating is different.

In short, a D/s relationship, or a relationship with BDSM exploration can be just what YOU want from it. There is no right way, and as long as you can find a partner with compatible interests then you're golden. Just remember that in all relationships compromises are good. It's up to you to decide if it's worth the compromise, or if it's too much for you and you want to find someone more compatible.

 

[editorinwork1]

Curious

Originally Posted by editorinwork1
Hello,
I understand QuietListner. I myself have lots of questions in my
mind which revolves around questioning a lot about what I
want/need.
My basic question would be How would you know whether you
are Dominant or Submissive.
Does being dominant or submissive revolve only during sex or
its a lifestyle?
Does humiliation, exhibition, punishment need to be in BDSM
relationship?
Thank you in advance
Have a great day/evening
Here are my perspectives on your questions...
Dominant or Submissive? It's about who has the authority, or
who is the leader. Every relationship is different in how this
plays out, and what areas the dominant has authority in (not
necessarily in every aspect). It's not about who does what to
who, or who gets pleasure and who doesn't (we both do in my
relationship).
To answer your second question, the dominance submission
thing can play out in any way you want. In my relationship it's
in sex only. He's in charge of sex (at my choice), and generally
in the rest of our relationship it's more of a concensus. At any
point if I said I wanted to be done with him being in charge in
the bedroom, he'd be fine and we'd do something different. I
don't want that because I feel like I need that. He loves it too
so it works out.
Humiliation, punishment, and exhibition do not need to be in a
D/s relationship (Dominance/submission). We do not do
punishment at all, ever. He does things that some might see as
punishment, but to me and him it's both of us having our fun.
We do not do exhibition. He doesn't have any great drive for it
I don't think, and I struggle with social anxiety so that's a
definite no. Humiliation in my relationship is fun in light loving
doses, but I see "good girl" as a little humiliating. Everyone's
idea of what is humiliating is different.
In short, a D/s relationship, or a relationship with BDSM
exploration can be just what YOU want from it. There is no
right way, and as long as you can find a partner with
compatible interests then you're golden. Just remember that in
all relationships compromises are good. It's up to you to
decide if it's worth the compromise, or if it's too much for you
and you want to find someone more compatible.


Umm, wow!! That cleared a lot up. Thank you!