Man writing from a woman's POV?

[treetorn]

Hi all,
I'm new here and have not written erotic stories before--mostly only non-erotic poetry (although isn't poetry by nature "erotic" in the Greek sense of love seeking beauty?).

The first story I've written is from a woman's point of view. Risky, I know, as I'm a man. I don't know if it's believable or if it "works."

Your comments would be appreciated. It's "Kate's Match"

many thanks!
Treetorn

 

[DublinBorn]

Moremoremore

 

[the_bragis]

Well hello treetorn...

This story is believable, it 'works', and it's wonderfully different from anything else I have read before in Lit.

What else can I say?

Damn it, you have me flicking though my thesarus looking for all the right superlatives to use. Let me just say this is a brilliant read, but honey, to me it felt like only half a chapter!

I was reading it, enjoying it... really enjoying it, and then suddenly kaboom...the end...finito...no more...what happened? I mean what really did happen next?

Alex (female variety)

 

[treetorn]

How kind!

thank you so much for the kind words. I was actually rather nervous about submitting it since I'd not written erotic stories before this one.

Alex, I originally meant it to be a complete story, but I could see that it was starting to take on its own life and would have gotten too long, so if people feel it is good enough I will develop the story.

I didn't know if I could do it authentically from a woman's point of view, but I thought that it was important to try. Thank you for your encouragement!

I will look for your stories to see how the craft is really done.

cheers,
treetorn

 

[BodaciousTease]

A bull in a china shop of men

From a women's point of view? Well, that's like saying from an American's point of view or from a Frenchman's point of view. Within the category called "women" you have a whole range of personalities with varying opinions, reactions and feelings. I suppose what you're really asking is if I believed the narrator was really a woman. Did I buy into the fictional dream?

Yeah sure, I saw no stumbles that would reveal the writer to be a man. Kate and the narrator (did we ever establish a name for her? I forget if I read a name or not) anyway, Kate and the narrator I found to be rather jaded with a pretty poor attitude towards men. I'm sure that type exists, and in that sense, they are real enough; but if your question is more towards the hope of capturing the archetypical woman (if that could ever really be nailed down) I'd say you probably missed pretty far -- at least in my own experience and most of my friend's views towards men.

But that doesn't cripple your story, in my opinion. I'm sure there are women like that, and I'm just as willing to read about people that are different than I am. The difference here, I feel, as being more social/economic than gender. I sort of see a biker chic mentality in the narrator, if you will allow me to pile on cliches. There is a bit of the bull dike attitude -- only she likes men. Again, I don't see a problem with it.

The only problem I really had )now that I think about it) -- and this is all kind of relative and I'm being picky because you want me to be -- is with the narrator's feeling that she needs to hang onto Kate's skirt to entrap and fuck men. What's up with that? I mean even if she was less attractive than the beautiful Kate, I never knew anyone who couldn't get themselves laid if that's what they really wanted. Maybe she couldn't fuck the "pretty-boys" that Kate could attract, but she certainly wouldn't need Kate to fuck men -- they might just be a little less attractive is all. If you want to fuck em, most men are generally more than happy to line up for you.

So lets say it's only the pretty-boys that the narrator wants to fuck and she can't get them on her own but needs Kate so she can be waiting in the wings to "console" them. If that's the case, then I'm still having problems with this narrator. Her self-image is taking a huge hit ever time she goes out with Kate and she can't get her own "pretty-boys". The reality here is that the narrator would probably be very insecure about her looks. The reality is the narrator would probably have a pretty poor self-image. If that's the case than her whole attitude about men clashes.

Where you said:

"And of course, never once did any of them realize that they were just my toys. They were always so cute, apologizing afterwards, fearing that they'd taken advantage of little old helpless me."

That whole mentality both from the guys and the narrator rang false with me, especially given the most probable self image problem of the narrator.

If on the other hand she didn't have a poor self image. Why does she have to take the castoffs from Kate? I just don't get that.

Anyway, like I said before, none of this cripples your story. I'm intrigued by this very odd character and I'm willing to read further. The story, as it is now, was pretty short.

These were my thoughts as I forced myself to flush them out afterwards. As I was reading, I hadn't passed judgement on any of it so you still had me as a reader -- in other words, to answer your question, I buy into it, sort of -- so far. Let's see what comes next

good luck, hope these comments help

Bodacious Tease

 

[treetorn]

Bodacious Tease, Self-Image & Female Lust

Hi Bodacious,

Thank you so very much for taking as much time as you took to both read and comment on my brief story. You are very helpful and if I continue to write in this vein I will pay atttention to your criticisms.

A couple thoughts about whether our narrator was crippled by conflicting characteristics. It probably wasn't clear enough, but the business of taking Kate's cast-offs (although you are spot on that they'd have to be classy enough for Kate to even toy with) was very much in the past. It referred to their college days together, when just spreading your legs doesn't necessarily get the boys lining up. There's a lot of lusty competition.

And our narrator does have enough self-respect to not try and attract the leering masturbatory creeps whose fingers are caked and cracking with layers of their own dried cum. She was everybody's sister. You may have known girls like that. I sure did. And it was only later that I learned how much they died inside when all these good-looking guys would confide in them, but never consider them potential girl-friends.

Our narrator was one of those. She has self-respect, but she's not stupid. She, like everyone is in awe of Kate and is glad that Kate lets her spin in her orbit. And as someone less experienced than Kate with boys and sex and love she is glad for Kate's "instructions," and delights in the deliciously wicked ways Kate puts things.

As for getting Kate's cast-offs damaging her sense of self, she doesn't see it that way at all. She takes pride and pleasure that she is the one who actually is in charge with these college boys. She seduces them and loves the feeling of power and control it gives her, especially since she is clever enough to maintain the girlish fiction of "innocent" girl being ravished by passion-driven boy.

She is not at all a man-hater. She couldn't be and be considered by all the boys someone so trustworthy and caring that they could be vulnerable enough to cry in front of.

The flashback to college was just to set the scene and present two of the characters for the present situation in Germany, where our grown-up narrator doesn't need Kate to get cock of her own.

You were right to clobber me for the "woman's point of view" thing. It's not in the story, but in my request for people to read the story. I don't believe for a minute that there's A WOMAN'S point of view. I should have said a man trying to write a story from a woman's perspective as narrator--- not as WOMAN's perspective.

Again, many thanks for your thoughtful critique. I'm very impressed with the time you took for me. I have a new story and a couple poem I've submitted which would have been helped if I'd read your post before submitting them. Oh well.

 

[ezgoin]

Kate's Match

OK, damn it, so finish the story. And stop worrying if your female viewpoint is realistic. You even think like I do (or can pretend awful well!)

I'm real ezgoin

 

[BodaciousTease]

FYI

You said:

"it was only later that I learned how much they died inside when all these good-looking guys would confide in them, but never consider them potential girl-friends."


I guess what I was saying is that I didn't hear any tone of dying inside from the narrator. She seemed pretty smug.

B Tease

 

[treetorn]

Smug mugs

My Bodacious Dear,

yeah. you're probably right. I gather that you're a pretty nice person who doesn't appreciate it when people are taken advantage of or ridiculed (esp. when they don't know it).

However, I beg you to remember that she's looking back from a place of greater self-confidence as she has matured and discovered a few things on her own. But, I take your point about the tone. thanks for the insight and comments.