Male Lesbian?

[Safe_Bet]

Male lesbian - Wikipedia
The label of male lesbian refers to a firmly heterosexual man who wishes he had been born female but had he been so would still only be attracted aesthetically, sexually, and socially to women.

We have a friend who honestly believes that he is a male lesbian. To him it is not a joke. At first, we just assumed he was a really sensitive guy who was trying to be funny. As time passed, however, we all noticed just how well he fit into our group and how poorly he related to the straight and gay guys with whom we associate. Now days, he automatically plops down with the rest of us dykes and is treated like one of the “Sisters”. The guy acts, relates and, to some extent, dresses like a soft Butch chick. He also doesn’t hit up on anybody. My hubby asked him about that one time and he told her that, “he knew better than to do that because we were gay chicks and he was a guy – and he just wished he was a gay chick too.”

I talked to him last night and he is getting kind of depressed. He wants the companionship and romance that he perceives is there from a lesbian couple, but he has absolutely no interest in ever being with another guy or with having a conventional hetero relationship.

So my question is: Is this possible? Should the dude go get a sex change and a girlfriend or should he go see a shrink and work on figuring out his gender identity?

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Internal gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things. It's certainly possible to be sexually oriented towards women AND want to be one.

 

[epiphany65]

A sex change is a huge step and I think he should see a shrink, but even if he opts for surgery he'll probably have to be evaluated by one first before a doctor will see him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Your last two questions? Yes, and yes.
He needs to talk to a therapist first, because he has himself convinced that it's impossible for him to be in a dyke-style relationship with the equipment he was born with-- which isn't true.

I don't know if your group is more or less flexible than some of the ones I've hung out with, but there are lesbians that are bi enough to accept him for what he is and what he wants to be. It sounds like he never makes himself available should any woman be curious.... he's shoved himself into the wallflower role.

I can certainly understand why he would, don't get me wrong. It takes a butt-load of courage to challenge the status quo, even in the most inoffensive of ways, and a guy who introduces a sexual dynamic into a lesbian group is risking a lot. But it takes a butt-load of courage to be a dyke in the first place. We have all had to grow ourselves a pair of balls, he can figure out how to do the same...

I've met three other male lesbians. Two of those were in transition, and one remained male. If it helps, you can remind him that the category of "queer" applies, and if he were to put an ad in craigslist, he could say; "Queer male looking for queer female"

 

[Safe_Bet]

Internal gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things. It's certainly possible to be sexually oriented towards women AND want to be one.

uh, yeah. As a lesbian I get that one pretty well!

I'm probably using the wrong words to describe what he wants/needs, but the only way that seems to fit is that he is a straight guy who wants to become a lesbian chick. Is this a physical or a psycological "issue"?

 

[xssve]

I feel like a male lesbian, but I have no interest in a sex change, it's fucking discrimination.

Who know? Maybe one of these days I'll hook up with a female homosexual and you can all go straight to hell.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

I feel like a male lesbian, but I have no interest in a sex change, it's fucking discrimination.

I'm a male lesbian who enjoys her permanently attached strap-on .

 

[xssve]

Ah, psychological most likely - he's probably a Cancer or a Pisces, less gonadal, more emotional, and we're always being accused of being effeminate - it get's really old.

 

[Pure]

safe So my question is: Is this possible?

pure: yes

Should the dude go get a sex change and a girlfriend

pure: Not necessarily. He shouldn't be 'required to', to prove bona fides. He should not be *advised* to. The surgery is, *if he wants it.*


safe or should he go see a shrink and work on figuring out his gender identity?

pure: he should talk, yes.
==

i agree with Stella.

it's possible.

i don't see why surgery is necessary; a certain percent who start living as the other gender [MTF and FTM] do not have surgery.

if they are not "required", so to say, why should he be?

it seems to me he might find someone able to accept him as he is, for instance, a lesbian, who's not 'bi.'

==
safe bet said

I'm probably using the wrong words to describe what he wants/needs, but the only way that seems to fit is that he is a straight guy who wants to become a lesbian chick. Is this a physical or a psycological "issue"?

i don't see why you call him a 'straight guy.' he is, i would say, a "biological male." for this *biological male* to be oriented towards females, does NOT, IN AND OF ITSELF make him straight.

"straight" to me means that the male says, "i identify as a male, and in that capacity, i'm oriented towards sex with biological females [who at least partialy identify as females]"

 

[sweetness6280]

Of course, it's possible. Anything is possible within the human experience, sexual or otherwise. We have several transgender friends in varying stages of transition. One in particular reminds me of your friend.

She is genetically male, but she identifies as a woman, and that is how I see her. She is attracted to women, which would not change if she had a sex change. She doesn't retreat into that wallflower role that Stella talked about, but she does experience some depression. How incredibly difficult it must be to not be "at home" within your own body. We have a wonderful group of friends who are totally accepting and loving, but it wasn't long ago that she expressed to me that she felt like "side-show entertainment". I don't think that those of us whose gender identity and sexual orientation "match" within society's "rules," can begin to understand how those who are in the wrong body feel. Your friend's friendship with you is obviously important and invaluable.

As humans, we have a inescapeable need to categorize and label everything, including other human beings. Unfortunately, that very need to label can cause one to question one's own identity. Your friend is a genetic male, who identifies as a woman, and is attracted to women. I promise there are women out there who can and will love him (you call him him, so I will too) for who he is.

I would suggest your find a transgender friendly therapist who can help him accept himself and, as Stella points out, learn that he can have the dyke-style relationship he wants with the equipment he has.

My friends and I have decided we aren't straight, gay, lesbian, bi, etc.... We are "popeyes". "I yam what I yam."

ETA: I started this reply at 1:30, interrupted by 3 kids, a dog, and a husband. If I repeated something from another post, it was unintentional.

 

[Stella_Omega]

"popeyes!" That's fab, sweetness!
(And so is your av)

 

[voluptuary_manque]

"popeyes!" That's fab, sweetness!
(And so is your av)

This would appear to be another good reason for gratitude from the vanilla straight guy. Poor chaps. To be born in the wrong body is far worse than being born in the wrong time and place.