Maintaining the sexy with age

[CanuckKitty]

My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and we're not getting any younger. I've had problems with low libido for years, but a funny thing happened with the onset of perimenopause...

I'm not sure how to really ask this. I have always been self-consciousness, though I acknowledge I was fairly attractive in my younger years. Life, time, and kids have led to inevitable weight gain (by both of us), and neither of us has ever been particularly small.
Despite this, my wonderful spouse has never stopped wanting me and telling me how sexy I am. Even when it makes me feel awkward, I do appreciate this.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for getting back the sexy feeling (I mean feeling attractive) as an older, heavier woman? And to find ways for me to reignite the physical attraction to my spouse?

One thing that used to really turn me on was the subtle scent of a really nice cologne - ooh boy! Unfortunately, my spouse has never liked to wear cologne or aftershave and I've never been able to convince him. I also used to enjoy sexy flirting, but after 20 years of monogamy, that's not really a thing. So while I enjoy intimacy more than I did for quite a while, it's mostly a loving and intimate connection, not so much hot and sexy.

How do worn out, middle-aged parents get the sexy back??

 

[LMWM321]

Hi Ginger!

Here's a post about my wife's struggle with menopause that you may find helpful. She's read this post and endorses it. (she doesn't post here on Lit but reads much of what I post).

Sex after menopause - my wife's experience

The book I reference (Come as you are) is terrific and I would encourage you and your husband read it. I am a self-help book skeptic but loved this book.

As for you getting back that "sexy feeling"? Well, please don't think I'm being trite when I say this, but... YOU ARE A SEXY WOMAN!!! I know you are because you're here on Lit expressing your interest in sex and your desire to stir up the heat with your husband!! THIS MAKES YOU SEXY, Ginger!!!! The world is full of people - men and women - who don't give two thoughts about this.

But what matters most is that you feel sexy. Well, there is are a few things that have helped my wife feel sexy and desirable after menopause. One is that I'm constantly reminding her how sexy she is. ..And NOT only the days/ nights I'm hoping we have sex. I do it ALL the time and I mean it. And it's easy for me because she IS!

The other is Yoga! My wife has been a bit heavy for decades and though it NEVER dampened my sexual interest in her, it did affect her sexual confidence. For decades she has been a super busy Mom, has had a super demanding career and she loathed gong to the gym, doing Pilates, treadmill, or any of the usual ways of working out. But something inspired her to try Yoga and she LOVES it. Yes, it helped her lose some weight (15lbs or so) but more importantly, it's helped her to love her body. There is just something about Yoga that is great for peoples self-esteem. But you need to try MANY places and settle on the place that works best for you.

And you can rest assured beginners classes will have people of all shapes, sizes, and age and they will ALL look clumsy and awkward as they struggle to learn the poses and positions. Don't be self-conscious, just commit and stick with it for at least a few months (at least twice per week). And don't be surprised if your weight rises a little at first. That's just your body building some new muscles. Eventually, your metabolism will rise and you'll begin to loose weight. But don't stress about that either. You can be bigger and still be beautiful and sexy.

I hope your husband knows how lucky he is to have you.

Good luck!

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and we're not getting any younger. I've had problems with low libido for years, but a funny thing happened with the onset of perimenopause...

I'm not sure how to really ask this. I have always been self-consciousness, though I acknowledge I was fairly attractive in my younger years. Life, time, and kids have led to inevitable weight gain (by both of us), and neither of us has ever been particularly small.
Despite this, my wonderful spouse has never stopped wanting me and telling me how sexy I am. Even when it makes me feel awkward, I do appreciate this.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for getting back the sexy feeling (I mean feeling attractive) as an older, heavier woman? And to find ways for me to reignite the physical attraction to my spouse?

One thing that used to really turn me on was the subtle scent of a really nice cologne - ooh boy! Unfortunately, my spouse has never liked to wear cologne or aftershave and I've never been able to convince him. I also used to enjoy sexy flirting, but after 20 years of monogamy, that's not really a thing. So while I enjoy intimacy more than I did for quite a while, it's mostly a loving and intimate connection, not so much hot and sexy.

How do worn out, middle-aged parents get the sexy back??

Explore your body and what it can do!! Enjoy yourself!

 

[Dearelliot]

For us, when we got older, we were able to travel and used our vacations as a way to rejuvenate. Maybe mid 60s.
We went places where there was more of a sexy attitude and found others like ourselves...older, not in great shape, but interested. Nude beaches, Hedonism, Jamaican resorts, Thailand. Key West has a wild week Fantasy Fest, crazy almost naked sexy older people, unlike the young college crowd at Mardi gras in New Orleans, mature and fun. We went to swingers' vacation places, although we didn't swing, and we found others like us, who enjoyed the atmosphere.

 

[CanuckKitty]

For us, when we got older, we were able to travel and used our vacations as a way to rejuvenate. Maybe mid 60s.
We went places where there was more of a sexy attitude and found others like ourselves...older, not in great shape, but interested. Nude beaches, Hedonism, Jamaican resorts, Thailand. Key West has a wild week Fantasy Fest, crazy almost naked sexy older people, unlike the young college crowd at Mardi gras in New Orleans, mature and fun. We went to swingers' vacation places, although we didn't swing, and we found others like us, who enjoyed the atmosphere.

That's a thing? You can go to swingers places even if you don't intend to swing? I admit, the notion of going somewhere where I am freely allowed to flirt without guilt or pressure is very intriguing. Unfortunately, life circumstances being what they are, I don't foresee that even being possible for years.

 

[ontoit2]

My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and we're not getting any younger. I've had problems with low libido for years, but a funny thing happened with the onset of perimenopause...

I'm not sure how to really ask this. I have always been self-consciousness, though I acknowledge I was fairly attractive in my younger years. Life, time, and kids have led to inevitable weight gain (by both of us), and neither of us has ever been particularly small.
Despite this, my wonderful spouse has never stopped wanting me and telling me how sexy I am. Even when it makes me feel awkward, I do appreciate this.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for getting back the sexy feeling (I mean feeling attractive) as an older, heavier woman? And to find ways for me to reignite the physical attraction to my spouse?

One thing that used to really turn me on was the subtle scent of a really nice cologne - ooh boy! Unfortunately, my spouse has never liked to wear cologne or aftershave and I've never been able to convince him. I also used to enjoy sexy flirting, but after 20 years of monogamy, that's not really a thing. So while I enjoy intimacy more than I did for quite a while, it's mostly a loving and intimate connection, not so much hot and sexy.

How do worn out, middle-aged parents get the sexy back??

As a suggestion on the cologne have him try Sauvage. Johnny Depp has a commercial for it. I read something many years ago that a man needs a ‘signature” scent. I have several that I use depending on the weather. Some winter, spring, summer and fall scents. I have had several woman comment on the Sauvage, more so than any of the others. Don’t just buy it for him. Do a scent card first to smell it and have him put on a little and see how it wears on him for the day. Each man’s body characteristics are different. Don’t buy it right off. It’s not inexpensive. Good luck.

 

[CanuckKitty]

So we're working on this.
Interestingly, hubs told me this week that he would be interested in checking out a lifestyle resort. That surprised me. He also admitted that he'd thought about getting me sexy lingerie for Christmas but thought that would be more for him.
I guess I need to go lingerie shopping!
I don't even know what to think about his confession. I have become very curious, and somewhat turned on by the idea, but also pretty conflicted. (I have ADHD and my brain is often like a multiplayer ping pong game! )

Life has been very challenging of late, being firmly entrenched in the "sandwich generation", and I've been surfing burnout for years. This hasn't helped the sex situation. For the past little while, though, it's almost like I've been turning to sex for distraction and escapism (like binging romance audio books, audio erotica, and sometimes porn), and exploring things I've been curious about. Sometimes to the point of being unable to sleep at night (and I have rarely ever had trouble sleeping). Anyone else experienced something like this?

 

[Dearelliot]

As nonswingers, our experiences at the lifestyle resorts in Mexico were enjoyable, friendly, and rewarding. Maybe 10, or 15 years ago.

Most of the day we spent nude at the pool, and they had a relaxed dress code that most people adhered to away from the pool. Topless was common lace. It wasn't unusual to see some total nudity away from the pool. The play there was quite sexual, not unusual to see a couple having oral sex, touching, and ladies sitting with their legs apart,
One thing we really enjoyed was the pub crawl, where we went from bar to bar...and the lifestyle crowd was great fun..Several times they went up to the stage at the bar and sang songs and danced in miniskirts and no panties, the mixed crowds loved them.
We were offered an opportunity to swing with couples many times which we quietly walked away from...never encountered anyone pushy, no rudeness, no anger.
The people were friendly, easy to talk to, mannerly, respectful!

 

[LookN2Talk]

For the past little while, though, it's almost like I've been turning to sex for distraction and escapism (like binging romance audio books, audio erotica, and sometimes porn), and exploring things I've been curious about. Sometimes to the point of being unable to sleep at night (and I have rarely ever had trouble sleeping). Anyone else experienced something like this?

My wife and I both have this occur when we have been on media devices late in the evening. Something about blue light, circadian rhythms, and so on. The longer/later we are on devices the more challenging are our sleep patterns. It happens less now that we are aware of what causes ours. Also we have been getting to bed 30 minutes earlier for the sole purpose of unwinding with naked cuddling. Funny thing is, she gets me riled up quite often. We do unwind from the day and the world, even if we wind up playing around for a while or making love. We sleep like rocks afterwards.

 

[LoveOlderLove]

My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and we're not getting any younger. I've had problems with low libido for years, but a funny thing happened with the onset of perimenopause...

I'm not sure how to really ask this. I have always been self-consciousness, though I acknowledge I was fairly attractive in my younger years. Life, time, and kids have led to inevitable weight gain (by both of us), and neither of us has ever been particularly small.
Despite this, my wonderful spouse has never stopped wanting me and telling me how sexy I am. Even when it makes me feel awkward, I do appreciate this.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for getting back the sexy feeling (I mean feeling attractive) as an older, heavier woman? And to find ways for me to reignite the physical attraction to my spouse?

One thing that used to really turn me on was the subtle scent of a really nice cologne - ooh boy! Unfortunately, my spouse has never liked to wear cologne or aftershave and I've never been able to convince him. I also used to enjoy sexy flirting, but after 20 years of monogamy, that's not really a thing. So while I enjoy intimacy more than I did for quite a while, it's mostly a loving and intimate connection, not so much hot and sexy.

How do worn out, middle-aged parents get the sexy back??

In sure you never lose it

 

[WhO2]

We do enjoy the occasional naked cuddling (thanks LookNToTalk, I'm glad to have a name for it).

Sometimes we plan hours in advance to have a few glasses of wine in bed while talking about past escapades. The anticipation can be delicious throughout the day. The last time we finally ventured into discussions of past partners that was new and exciting.

Both of these can lead to sex, or maybe mutual masturbation, but just the closeness we feel being together, talking, is the best part.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

I hope I'm as sexy and active as my mom is when I'm 67.

You do love your mommy…

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Yup

Drives me crazy…

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I am 59. I have been on HRT over 12 years.
Until my hysterectomy at age 35, I had endometriosis and chronic pain. Chronic pain is not sexy. Painful sex is not sexy.

Once I was rid of the offending organs, I went on bioidentical hormones. My levels are equal to natural levels of 35 to 45 yr old.

That helped. But it wasn't the whole fix.

Because of outside sources, I was wearing granny panties and basic bras.

Switching to matching bras and underwear, colors, sexy cuts, my sexy was back.
I didn't wear them for anyone but me. I didn't care if no one saw them.
They made me feel sexy.

I was 50-ish, weighed over 300 lbs, and wore a size 28 during that period.

Maybe something here will help.
Best of luck.

 

[luvzmature]

So we're working on this.
Interestingly, hubs told me this week that he would be interested in checking out a lifestyle resort. That surprised me. He also admitted that he'd thought about getting me sexy lingerie for Christmas but thought that would be more for him.
I guess I need to go lingerie shopping!
I don't even know what to think about his confession. I have become very curious, and somewhat turned on by the idea, but also pretty conflicted. (I have ADHD and my brain is often like a multiplayer ping pong game! )

Life has been very challenging of late, being firmly entrenched in the "sandwich generation", and I've been surfing burnout for years. This hasn't helped the sex situation. For the past little while, though, it's almost like I've been turning to sex for distraction and escapism (like binging romance audio books, audio erotica, and sometimes porn), and exploring things I've been curious about. Sometimes to the point of being unable to sleep at night (and I have rarely ever had trouble sleeping). Anyone else experienced something like this?

It sounds like you should thinking about changing your name to Stella, you know, the one who got her groove back?

Nobody answered your question about going to a lifestyle resort without playing with other people, it happens all the time. The term "Lifestyle" encompasses more than just tasting other people's goodies. Some people are voyeuristic and like to watch people, some people are exhibitionistic and like to be watched, that sounds like a match made in heaven. What you don't want to do is to go there with expectations, you just let the week or so flow over you, see what turns you both on, they may ot may not be the same things. Go in with an I open mind. One word of warning though, if you do evolve into having sex with another single person (maybe hubby initiates a threesome to please you) or a couple, if either of you are the jealous sort it could lead to some very hard feelings. If jealousy isn't an issue the sky is the limit.

Maybe you do some research on the topic together, that might just spark an inferno that could indeed get both of your grooves back. If nothing else it's great fantasy material.

 

[mustang_driver]

My wife (52) and I (53) have been together for 33 years. She is going through perimenopause now. We've had our ups and downs and went through a 10 year span of sexless marriage. We became empty nesters about 5 years ago. At the same time we started booking Airbnb's twice a year. This provides a nice break away from the familiar confines of our home and being in a strange location provides some newness to our sex life. We just got back from a 3 night stay during which she was the sexiest she has been since our early dating days. It genuinely felt like it was when we first started and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. My wife doesn't like lingerie, so instead I brought one of my dress shirts and asked her to put that on. She did this happily, braless with only the bottom button done. This kicked everything off and it was on from then on. The place had a jacuzzi and the last night she suggested we get in. Something we hadnt done since our first year dating

 

[joefelton]

I just turned 74, and my wife of 43 years is 73. She had a hysterectomy 30 years ago. I am very happy with our sex life! We have a "date" every Saturday, but when we're on vacation things are much more flexible. Twelve years ago my doctor put me on testosterone (my blood test showed I was very low), and about ten years ago I started wearing panties every day. I told my wife about it right away, and she was surprised, but she said I was brave and that she was proud of me for telling her (that made me very happy). We're much more honest with each other about sharing what we want from each other and what we don't want. It's just a lot easier being open and honest. Five years ago we started experimenting with ball busting. I consider her a subject matter expert now. I have my own dominatrix sleeping in my bed!! So don't let getting older stop you from enjoying life and amazing sex! It's a blessing.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'm not in a relationship IRL... But I am 51 and have a couple online friends I entertain. Over just the last year (when I went from peri to actual menopause) I have a hard time feeling sexy for my guys.

Things that are sexy??
Naughty pictures and videos
Using toys during pleasure time
( Or LOVENSE has great toys.. Maybe have him control one for you while he's on lunch break?)

Just my 2 cents

 

[Inthelastrow]

Alot of great, helpful advice from the contributors above. Most of all remembering you are sexy. You might not believe or feel it, but you are. I would say treat yourself that way, as time/money allows. When was the last time you had a pedi? bought lingerie? How about a sexy skirt or revealing dress...for yourself! Show off your curves. Men like curves.

Also ask yourself, does hubby feel "sexy." Yep men need to feel attractive too. Cologne is a great start. But simple things like dressing up a bit (swap a t-shirt for a button up when you go out), a nice watch or wrist band, and yes exercise. Just taking a walk helps.

You also don't need to have sex. How about a make out session or fooling around on the couch, leaving love notes, send a sexy pic to him, have hubby do intimate things for you (my wife loves it when I wash here back in the bath).

My guess is that work/kids/everyday life eats your energy and sexy is the last things on the list. Try to insert sexy and romance into the routine, doesn't need to be number one, but even small things make a difference.

 

[NancyPan]

I love this question and this thread. Our FLR (Female Led Relationship) started after menopause had slowed down our sex life. Now, I am extremely devoted to my most sexy wife. Why? She understands and uses my triggers, and she has taken control of my orgasms. My guess is that your husband is jerking off if you haven’t been having sex.

If he thought about buying you sexy lingerie, but didn’t, then I’m guessing that he doesn’t know what you want and where you stand on things. Dare to be bold. Have an “interview” session with hubby with his cock in your hand to gauge his arousal. “Make” him tell you whether he has been self pleasuring, ask about his fantasies, find out about his triggers and deepest fantasies. My wife knows my deepest desires and uses them to reward me. I no longer masturbate because she forbids it. I orgasm about once a month. I pleasure her how ever often she desires and I desire her constantly. Weight is a non-issue. It is attitude, tone, and of course her femininity and her breasts and pussy that I desire (and of course her love and approval).

She is my Queen. Since we started our FLR, I live to serve HER!

 

[SPARTAN047]

It's nearly impossible to do it looks wise. We all look worse as we age.

When you get older you give less of a damn which might make you more agreeable to sex acts and fetishes which you wouldn't do when younger, which might help.

 

[Erosfan]

"“Make” him tell you whether he has been self pleasuring, ask about his fantasies, find out about his triggers and deepest fantasies."
This will open so many doors! My late wife and I had many discussions about me pleasuring myself and my fantasies. I have a huge thing for CFNM. She made many of my fantasies come true, and we had some amazing experiences. I loved being hers.

 

[mortis]

I share stories, send lingerie pictures. We use toys and like others started to go on vacations to sexy places.
Our last cruise had lots of lingerie, toys and sex with the windows open.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and we're not getting any younger. I've had problems with low libido for years, but a funny thing happened with the onset of perimenopause...

I'm not sure how to really ask this. I have always been self-consciousness, though I acknowledge I was fairly attractive in my younger years. Life, time, and kids have led to inevitable weight gain (by both of us), and neither of us has ever been particularly small.
Despite this, my wonderful spouse has never stopped wanting me and telling me how sexy I am. Even when it makes me feel awkward, I do appreciate this.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for getting back the sexy feeling (I mean feeling attractive) as an older, heavier woman? And to find ways for me to reignite the physical attraction to my spouse?

One thing that used to really turn me on was the subtle scent of a really nice cologne - ooh boy! Unfortunately, my spouse has never liked to wear cologne or aftershave and I've never been able to convince him. I also used to enjoy sexy flirting, but after 20 years of monogamy, that's not really a thing. So while I enjoy intimacy more than I did for quite a while, it's mostly a loving and intimate connection, not so much hot and sexy.

How do worn out, middle-aged parents get the sexy back??

Every marriage I think goes through this and it's one of the reasons people start swapping and I am not suggesting that.
I have always maintained children are sex killers for many reasons but so is falling into the daily humdrum of married with children life.
We all age, gain weight, lose weight and so on.
It appears menopause hits everyone differently and I am not going down that road here because there are millions of women that have their own story to share.
I will say this your husband isn't lying, he still finds you attractive, he still wants his sexy wife whether you think so or not.

I don't wear cologne as I just have always felt it was a coverup scent and I haven't worn any for 30 plus years don't even own any.
What you might try here is a scented lotion the one I use at times is sage and cedar scented. Manly, outdoorsy like.

All I know from my experience is that even though you might not feel sexy you can't give up on it. Flirt with your husband, touch him as you go by. Sit in his lap after the kids go to bed and tell him that you are struggling with menopause but you want and desire him too.
Talk about going on walks together, change your lifestyle, cooking together and date nights.

I have heard personally the dryness issues and it can be overcome without drugs with nasty side effects.
Oral sex can do wonders and " your precum is the best lubricant ever"
Go slow, work together on the issues.

I will say this is a time you can either completely throw in the towel and it will destroy your relationship or you can fight back.
You can message me and I will gladly share our story and details of the talks, walk and talks and it wasn't easy.
You can overcome this but you can't give up