Magic Chain Story "Completed"- Help requested.

[sweetnpetite]

I have written a story for the Magic chain. I've been blocked on the project for a while now, and maybe I'll go back to my original idea later, but for now I've decided to stick with something simple. (That's my problem, my stories tend to complicate themselves until ther's no tomorrow and then overwealm me.)

So, anyway- the story is completed, and I would appreciate any help or advice on it. Thanks.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Magic In America:
Portrait of Two Women
​

The day was unremarkable. There was sunshine, and warmth, a slight breeze and a few clouds.

The apartment building was similarly unremarkable. A long three story brick building with concrete stairs in a lower income section of town. There were a few small crab-apple trees planted in regular increments along the sidewalk.

The woman who climbed the stairs seemed, perhaps a little out of place. Or maybe not. She could have been a social worker, perhaps but she wasn’t. She was dressed casually stylish, yet conservatively. Like a woman who lives in the suburbs. She had straight blonde hair that fell to the middle of her back and was clasped in a long gold colored barrette. She strode purposely to the third floor and knocked.

The door had not been closed properly and swung upon to reveal and apartment that had been converted to an office, of sorts. A brown skinned woman in flowing silky robes the color of peacock feathers was sitting behind a folding table facing the entrance. “Come on in,” the woman said with no trace of an accent of any kind.

The seated woman was called Nina. That much was known to the visitor. That much and little more.

The blonde haired woman shut the door behind her. The room smelled like a combination of apples and roses, a soothing and welcoming scent. Not quite what she had expected. She was, however, not surprised to see that the room was softly lit with many candles placed around the room, or that the windows where drawn over with thick velvety curtains in the deepest shade of purple you could imagine. There seemed very little in the room that resembled an actual residence, but that wasn’t really her concern.

“My name is Antonia,” she said nervously..

The seated woman nodded. “Yes. They call you Toni.” The blonde woman cringed at this. It was true, her family called her Toni, a nickname that she was not fond of. There was nothing really remarkable about the woman knowing this, anyone could have guessed it. Nor was there anything remarkable about what she quickly added, which was, “A name that you do not prefer.” She had obviously reacted with distaste but she nodded with agreement.

“Pull up a seat, Antonia,” the woman told her in a voice that she found soothing, even a bit hypnotic. She started to wonder if this had been a good idea, but she seated herself across from the woman and waited. She found herself at a loss for words, she had nearly forgotten why she had even went there. The woman she beheld was an ageless beauty, seeming somehow ancient and young at the same time. It was easy to believe that she had the gift, as many who had seen her had been convinced.

“No, you do not like being addressed as Toni. Those who call you that- they do not see you for who you really are, but only for who they want you to be. Who they expect you to be. You are tired of living up to others expectations of you. But you do not know your own expectations of yourself. You do not know who you are.”

At this Antonia took a sharp breath in. The woman had looked threw her as if she were made of glass. “Can you tell me who I am?” the Antonia asked in an awed whisper.

“No one can see who you are, until you can see yourself. You must become what you want to be.”

“But I don’t know who I want to be,” the blonde woman pleaded.

“For that, you will need a mirror,” the medium told her. She reached out a long slender hand to a deck of cards that lay stacked on her table. As she shuffled them, Antonia noticed that she wore a large turquoise ring on the middle finger of her left hand. It was set in silver. Her nails where long and filed to a rounded tip and painted a neutral taupe color. It was the only jewelry or decoration on her hands. Antonia was unsure why, but she had expected red nails and many rings on hands lined with age.

The cards where not what she had imagined either. The woman shuffled them and then laid them out in a pattern she did not understand or recognize. There was no hanged man, no death card, no page of cups, no fool, no magician. Instead what she saw was unlettered cards showing patterns of shells, stones, feathers and sticks.

Nina reached into a small drawer beneath her table and procured a glass bowl and a long slender cigarette. She lit the cigarette without asking if Antonia minded the smoke and studied the cards.

“A change is coming for you. There will be three events that will take place. They are tests. Through them you will answer the question you seek. The question of who you are.”

The seer paused and Antonia wondered, Is that it? But she once again was at a loss for words. Nina gazed at the cards as if looking for something more, so Antonia waited quietly.

“It is true, you are not who others think you are. But the answer is not a simple one. For who you really are is hidden deep within. Part of who you are is a seeker, and you must begin with yourself. There are no easy answers, but there are answers if you are willing to look. You must look past the difficulty to the meaning behind it. The meaning for you. It will tell you who you are, and also, who you are not. Each trial will present you with a choice. The road you take will both show you who you are and create the person you will become. But you must be prepared, for it will not be easy.”

“How- how can I prepare myself?,” Antonia asked hesitantly.

“You are lonely, but not alone. Only when you are alone will your loneliness be cured.”

“I don’t understand.”

“There will come a time, my dear Antonia, when you will feel as if you can’t go on. That life has been too unfair and unbearable. You must not give in to that dark feeling. It is then that you will be on the verge of your first breakthrough.”

Now Antonia’s eyes threatened to fill with tears. “But I already feel like that! Are you telling me that it is going to get worse!”

“It is always darkest before the dawn. You must remember that. You must hang on. There is sunshine coming for you. It is here, in the cards, and here-” Nina grabbed her hand and turned it palm up, “on your hand.” Nina’s nail traced a line that bisected Antonia’s palm.

“After that, there will be two other tests. But they will not be as difficult as the first. Because the first will give you the strength to confront what is coming. I must light a candle for you.”

The woman released Antonia’s hand and reached into her drawer again. She pulled out a plain white taper candle, a simple candle holder and a book of matches. She lit the candle and said some words that Antonia did not understand. She held out her own hand and let the candle wax drip onto her open palm, until it was the size if a quarter. Then she blew out the candle and put it back into the drawer along with it’s accessories. She blew into her palm, cooling the wax and when it was cold, she pealed it out of her hand and pressed it into Antonia’s. “Until the light returns, keep this to remind you.”

“What are the other two tests?”

“You are not ready to hear of them yet. You must return to me in 1 months time. Do not pay me today. Do not even give me a gift. Simply return in thirty days.”

“I don’t know…” Antonia was starting to wonder if perhaps this had all been a mistake. What was the joke, or the punch line here? Things just didn’t seem to add up.

“You must decide for yourself, of course. But I think I shall see you again.”

“Yes, I’m sure you will,” Antonia said, rising to leave. She doubted that she would stay true to her words, but she felt more comfortable saying what the woman wanted to hear so she could leave quickly. Quick as a flash, the Nina’s hand reached out and grabbed her arm. “Antonia,” the woman said, pushing back her sleeve to reveal the carefully concealed purple marks left there, “he will never hit you again. It is destined.”

Antonia had no idea how the woman had known. Perhaps she had simply guessed somehow from the way she held herself. But everything changed in an instant. The woman, Nina looked old and no so wise. Lines she had not seem before became apparent on her face; they had been hidden perhaps by the soft candle light. Her eyes looked sharp, but not intelligent, rather crazy. There was no way she knew what she was talking about. He had made Antonia that same promise a hundred times. The words were lies. Antonia’s hair stood up over her head. Suddenly she couldn’t leave this woman’s presence fast enough. She fled from the apartment without looking back.

She just couldn’t listen to any more empty promises.

That night when he came home two hours late, he was enraged that his dinner was cold. He overturned the table, smashing the dishes that they had received on there wedding day. As he raised his hand to punch her yet again, she knew that the crazy old woman’s words were lies. She was disappointed in herself that she had allowed the tiniest bit of hope to form. She had known better.

His clenched fist never found her soft cheek. His eyes widened in shock and fear and pain. He clutched his chest and fell to the ground. She knew immediately that he was dead.

As she went to dial 9-1-1 she let the final realization hit her. The last number was barely punched in before the world tuned black around her and she fainted. She was alone.

 

[snooper]

... the story is completed, and I would appreciate any help or advice on it. Thanks.

I have had a quick look at it; I am sorry that I don't have time to do it thoroughly. The changes below in green are only suggestions.
Para 2 <story> should be <storey>
Para 2 <increments> would read better as <intervals>
Para 4 <reveal and apartment> should be <reveal an apartment>
Para 4 Start a new paragraph at <"Come ...>
Para 8 <nodded with> would read better as <nodded in>
Para 9 I would start a new paragraph at <She started to wonder ...> because the "she" is not the person who just spoke.
Para 11 <threw> should be <through>
Para 19 <... behind it. The meaning ...> should be <... behind it, the meaning ...> This cannot be a new sentence.
Para 27 <it's> should be <its>
Para 27 <pealed> should be <peeled>
Para 29 <1> would look better as <one>
Para 32 I would start a new paragraph at <Quick as a flash ...> because Nina is now the person who is acting and speaking.
Para 33 <and no so> should be <and not so>
Para 33 <seem> should be <seen>
Para 35 <there> should be <their>
Para 37 <tuned> should be <turned>

General comments
The use of numerals in a piece of fiction is not decorative. It makes the story read like a laboratory report or a hastily composed news story. Use words for most figures. Obviously there are some exceptions (eg. ‘a ·22 rifle’; ‘1600, Pennsylvania Avenue’).

Your sentences are far too short. Compare your thirty-third paragraph original:
Antonia had no idea how the woman had known. Perhaps she had simply guessed somehow from the way she held herself. But everything changed in an instant. The woman, Nina looked old and no so wise. Lines she had not seem before became apparent on her face; they had been hidden perhaps by the soft candle light. Her eyes looked sharp, but not intelligent, rather crazy. There was no way she knew what she was talking about. He had made Antonia that same promise a hundred times. The words were lies. Antonia’s hair stood up over her head. Suddenly she couldn’t leave this woman’s presence fast enough. She fled from the apartment without looking back.
with:
Antonia had no idea how the woman had known, but perhaps she had simply guessed somehow from the way she held herself. Everything had changed in an instant. The woman, Nina, looked old and not so wise; lines Antonia had not seen before became apparent on her face, though perhaps they had been hidden by the soft candle light. Her eyes looked sharp, but not intelligent, rather crazy. There was no way she could know what she was talking about because he had made Antonia that same promise a hundred times, and always the words were lies. Antonia’s hair stood up over her head. Suddenly she couldn’t leave this woman’s presence fast enough and she fled from the apartment without looking back.
The same information, roughly the same number of words, but not so staccato and breathless. The way to spot the trouble areas is to read it aloud into a tape recorder and listen to yourself. Better still is to get someone else to read it for you, though I realise that isn’t always easy.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Thanks snooper.

Any comments on the story? (although I realize that's not tecnically 'editing')

 

[snooper]

Any comments on the story? (although I realize that's not tecnically 'editing')

If that's addressed to me, sorry but I have not read any of the other chapters, so I've no idea whether this fits well or not. As a {brief} episode it looks fine, but so little happens that the reader is dependent on background.

Cynic that I am, I don't think that chain stories work at all well. Different authors take the theme off in weirdly different directions, and characters zoom in and out of the foreground unpleasantly. The style (and the quality) varies from chapter to chapter, giving the reader a bumpy ride. This is not confined to Literotica; I have (tried to) read hard-back novels written by consortia (usually SciFi) of published novelists, and I have never known one that really worked.

 

[sweetnpetite]

If that's addressed to me, sorry but I have not read any of the other chapters, so I've no idea whether this fits well or not. As a {brief} episode it looks fine, but so little happens that the reader is dependent on background.

Cynic that I am, I don't think that chain stories work at all well. Different authors take the theme off in weirdly different directions, and characters zoom in and out of the foreground unpleasantly. The style (and the quality) varies from chapter to chapter, giving the reader a bumpy ride. This is not confined to Literotica; I have (tried to) read hard-back novels written by consortia (usually SciFi) of published novelists, and I have never known one that really worked.

even though it's a chain story all of the 'chapters' are independent- united by theme rather than common characters and plotline.

I realize that my story doesn't have much too it. I'm just wondering if it is enjoyable at all to read.

 

[CopyCarver]

I'll be happy to take a look at it. Am I correct in assuming that you're primarily interested in the story's individual merits rather than in relation to the series?

 

[iztheo]

I'll be happy to take a look at it. Am I correct in assuming that you're primarily interested in the story's individual merits rather than in relation to the series?

I'd be happy to provide a second opinion if you'd like. I've signed up to be a VE, but my profile hasn't been posted yet.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I'll be happy to take a look at it. Am I correct in assuming that you're primarily interested in the story's individual merits rather than in relation to the series?

Yes.

the magic in America chain is all free standing stories anyway, united by a common theme rather than characters or story line.

If this story feels incomplete- that is a flaw.

Thanks.

 

[CopyCarver]

Sweets,
Sent you a report--you should have it by now


CC

 

[CopyCarver]

Nea Culpa

I checked my sent mail folder and found not a trace. (Would you believe my computer ate my homework.) I doing it over and this time I'll get it to you.


CC

 

[CopyCarver]

Sweet,

I just PM'd the critique and suggestions to you. Hope they go through this time.


CC

 

[sweetnpetite]

I made just a few changes but feel happy with it. I wonder if it would be suitable for a halloween story although no mention of the holliday is made. Any thoughts?

Magic In America:
Portrait of Two Women

The day was unremarkable. There was sunshine, and warmth, a slight breeze and a few clouds.

The apartment building was similarly unremarkable. A long three story brick building with concrete stairs in a lower income section of town. A few small crab-apple trees, planted in regular intervals along the sidewalk, served as landscaping.

The woman who climbed the stairs seemed, perhaps a little out of place. Or maybe not. She could have been a social worker possibly, but she wasn’t. Casually stylish yet conservative, her appearance was remarkably suburban and innocent. Her straight blonde hair, clasped in a long gold colored barrette, fell to the middle of her back like a cascading waterfall. She strode purposely to the third floor and knocked.

The door had not been closed properly and swung upon to reveal an apartment that had been converted to an office of sorts. Behind a folding table, face to the open door, a brown skinned woman sat in flowing silky robes the color of peacock feathers . “Come on in,” the woman said with no trace of an accent of any kind.

The seated woman was called Nina. That much was known to the visitor. That much and little more.

The blonde haired woman shut the door behind her. The room smelled like a combination of apples and roses, a soothing and welcoming scent. Not quite what she had expected. She was, however, not surprised to see that the room was softly lit with many candles placed around the room, or that the windows where drawn over with thick velvety curtains in the deepest shade of purple you could imagine. There seemed very little in the room that resembled an actual residence, but that wasn’t really her concern.

“My name is Antonia,” she said nervously..

The seated woman nodded. “Yes. They call you Toni.” The blonde woman cringed at this. It was true, her family called her Toni, a nickname that she was not fond of. There was nothing really remarkable about the woman knowing this, anyone could have guessed it. Nor was there anything remarkable about what she quickly added, which was, “A name that you do not prefer.” Antonia had obviously reacted with distaste but she nodded with agreement anyway.

“Pull up a seat, Antonia,” the woman told her in a voice that she found soothing, even a bit hypnotic. She started to wonder if this had been a good idea, but she seated herself across from the woman and waited. She found herself at a loss for words, nearly forgetting why she had even went there. She found herself unable to look away from Nina to clear her head. The woman she beheld was an ageless beauty, seeming somehow ancient and young at the same time. It was easy to believe that she had the gift, as many who had seen her had been convinced.

“No, you do not like being addressed as Toni. Those who call you that- they do not see you for who you really are, but only for who they want you to be. Who they expect you to be. You are tired of living up to others expectations of you. But you do not know your own expectations of yourself. You do not know who you are.”

Antonia took a sharp breath in. The words sent cold shivers through her body and then a strange prickly heat. The woman had looked through her as if she were made of glass. “Can you tell me who I am?” Antonia asked in an awed whisper.

“No one can see who you are, until you can see yourself. You must become what you want to be.”

“But I don’t know who I want to be,” the blonde woman pleaded.

“For that, you will need a mirror,” the medium told her. She reached out a long slender hand to a deck of cards that lay stacked on her table. As she shuffled them, Antonia noticed that she wore a large turquoise ring on the middle finger of her left hand. It was set in silver. Her nails where long and filed to a rounded tip and painted a neutral taupe color. It was the only jewelry or decoration on her hands. Antonia was unsure why, but she had expected red nails and many rings on hands lined with age.

The cards where not what she had imagined either. The woman shuffled them and then laid them out in a pattern she did not understand or recognize. There was no hanged man, no death card, no page of cups, no fool, no magician. Instead what she saw was unlettered cards showing patterns of shells, stones, feathers and sticks.

Nina reached into a small drawer beneath her table and procured a glass bowl and a long slender cigarette. She lit the cigarette without asking if Antonia minded the smoke and studied the cards.

“A change is coming for you. There will be three events that will take place. They are tests. Through them you will answer the question you seek. The question of who you are.”

The seer paused and Antonia wondered, Is that it? But she once again was at a loss for words. Nina gazed at the cards as if looking for something more, so Antonia waited quietly.

“It is true, you are not who others think you are. But the answer is not a simple one. For who you really are is hidden deep within. Part of who you are is a seeker, and you must begin with yourself. There are no easy answers, but there are answers if you are willing to look. You must look past the difficulty to the meaning behind it. The meaning for you. It will tell you who you are, and also, who you are not. Each trial will present you with a choice. The road you take will both show you who you are and create the person you will become. But you must be prepared, for it will not be easy.”

“How- how can I prepare myself?,” Antonia asked hesitantly.

“You are lonely, but not alone. Only when you are alone will your loneliness be cured.”

“I don’t understand.”

“There will come a time, my dear Antonia, when you will feel as if you can’t go on. That life has been too unfair and unbearable. You must not give in to that dark feeling. It is then that you will be on the verge of your first breakthrough.”

Now Antonia’s eyes threatened to fill with tears. “But I already feel like that! Are you telling me that it is going to get worse!”

“It is always darkest before the dawn. You must remember that. You must hang on. There is sunshine coming for you. It is here, in the cards, and here-” Nina grabbed her hand and turned it palm up, “on your hand.” Nina’s nail traced a line that bisected Antonia’s palm.

“After that, there will be two other tests. But they will not be as difficult as the first. Because the first will give you the strength to confront what is coming. I must light a candle for you.”

The woman released Antonia’s hand and reached into her drawer again. She pulled out a plain white taper candle, a simple candle holder and a book of matches. She lit the candle and said some words that Antonia did not understand. She held out her own hand and let the candle wax drip onto her open palm, until it was the size if a quarter. Then she blew out the candle and put it back into the drawer along with its accessories. She blew into her palm, cooling the wax and when it was cold, she peeled it out of her hand and pressed it into Antonia’s. “Until the light returns, keep this to remind you.”

“What are the other two tests?”

“You are not ready to hear of them yet. You must return to me in 1 months time. Do not pay me today. Do not even give me a gift. Simply return in thirty days.”

“I don’t know…” Antonia was starting to wonder if perhaps this had all been a mistake. What was the joke, or the punch line here? Things just didn’t seem to add up.

“You must decide for yourself, of course. But I think I shall see you again.”

“Yes, I’m sure you will,” Antonia said, rising to leave. She doubted that she would stay true to her words, but she felt more comfortable saying what the woman wanted to hear so she could leave quickly.

Quick as a flash, Nina’s hand reached out and grabbed her arm. “Antonia,” the woman said, pushing back her sleeve to reveal the carefully concealed purple marks left there, “he will never hit you again. It is destined.”

Antonia had no idea how the woman had known. Perhaps she had simply guessed somehow from the way she held herself. But everything changed in an instant. The woman, Nina looked old and not so wise. Lines she had not seen before became apparent on her face; they had been hidden perhaps by the soft candle light. Her eyes looked sharp, but not intelligent, rather crazy. There was no way she knew what she was talking about. He had made Antonia that same promise a hundred times. The words were lies. Antonia’s hair stood up over her head. Suddenly she couldn’t leave this woman’s presence fast enough. She fled from the apartment without looking back.

She just couldn’t listen to any more empty promises.

That night when he came home two hours late, he was enraged that his dinner was cold. He overturned the table, smashing the dishes that they had received on their wedding day. As he raised his hand to punch her yet again, she knew that the crazy old woman’s words were lies. She was disappointed in herself that she had allowed the tiniest bit of hope to form. She had known better.

His clenched fist never found her soft cheek. His eyes widened in shock and fear and pain. He clutched his chest and fell to the ground. It was over in moments and she knew immediately that he was dead.

As she went to dial 9-1-1 she let the final realization hit her. The last number was barely punched in before the world turned black around her and she fainted. She was alone.

 

[iztheo]

Sweetnpetite,

I just took a quick run through the first and second posted stories and didn't notice any obvious changes. This may be a stupid question ... but did you re- post the older version the second time? Maybe I'm just too tired to be reading it through again.

I haven't had a chance to read last year's submissions for the Halloween contest (although you don't actually say that you want to enter it), but based on some of the Erotic Horror/Non-Human stories that I have stumbled upon, I don't think that this would be a very strong contender. For better or worse, the commercialization of Halloween, including the glut of scary movies and horror novels that get promoted at this time of year, tends to make people expect a more obvious and "ghoulish" premise and a stronger hook. As I mentioned before to you (PM), I think the story has potential (outside of a Halloween story), but needs to be expanded.

Just my opinion though ...

 

[sweetnpetite]

Sweetnpetite,

I just took a quick run through the first and second posted stories and didn't notice any obvious changes. This may be a stupid question ... but did you re- post the older version the second time? Maybe I'm just too tired to be reading it through again.

I haven't had a chance to read last year's submissions for the Halloween contest (although you don't actually say that you want to enter it), but based on some of the Erotic Horror/Non-Human stories that I have stumbled upon, I don't think that this would be a very strong contender. For better or worse, the commercialization of Halloween, including the glut of scary movies and horror novels that get promoted at this time of year, tends to make people expect a more obvious and "ghoulish" premise and a stronger hook. As I mentioned before to you (PM), I think the story has potential (outside of a Halloween story), but needs to be expanded.

Just my opinion though ...

Yes, thank you. i have some ideas for expansion. (If I just get around to doing them) I think they might make it a bit more suitible for a Halloween story- if not a winner, at least being entered will get me more reads

 

[iztheo]

Yes, thank you. i have some ideas for expansion. (If I just get around to doing them) I think they might make it a bit more suitible for a Halloween story- if not a winner, at least being entered will get me more reads

More readers?!?! That will mean that you'll end up with those red "H"'s next to your stories, messing with the overall colour scheme. You wouldn't really want that, would you?

 

[sweetnpetite]

More readers?!?! That will mean that you'll end up with those red "H"'s next to your stories, messing with the overall colour scheme. You wouldn't really want that, would you?

I think it would go very well with my color scheme

check it out:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=184168&page=submissions

 

[iztheo]

I think it would go very well with my color scheme

check it out:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=184168&page=submissions

Show-off!

 

[sweetnpetite]

Show-off!

....... ........