Lust for writing

[CandiKane]

Well, I figured since I have submitted writings, that I should recieve some sort of feedback from them right

So far only one has been approved, but I do have more, and I would love the feedback.

So let me know what you think, whether it be good or bad, criticism is a vital part of writing, in my own opinion

Wendy aka CandiKane

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103467

 

[agedmac]

anniversary story

I thought it was well written and thoughtful. I think you captured the slightly strong willed nature of her at the beginning of the story. But after that, we lost sight of who she was in the 'events' of the story.

Take your time. Develop the heat more. I did like that he lusted after her so much that he went to her crotch right away, but I thought the point was to make her a little 'dom' in their relationship. That would have been an interesting twist.

On the other hand, it is obvious that you have 'experienced' what she has experienced sexually. But next time, stay in 'her voice' and let us hear more of what she is feeling.

Great beginning (from a guy still waiting for Literotica to post his first story here)

 

[Guest]

 

[Hotcappucino]

Wendy:

You have some nice erotic scenes and your descriptions are very vivid. However, in my opinion, the story is somewhat shallow. It seems that all that's going on are two people constantly saying "I love you" to each other (well, it's only said five times, but it seemed like a lot for such a short story) and having sex at three different locations: once at home before going out, once in the truck, and once at the hotel. There's a bit of an interlude when they arrive at the hotel up until after dinner, but the sex scenes make up more than 90 percent of the story.

Now, some people like that particular style, which is fine if all you want to read is sex. You headlined that you have a "Lust for Writing" and I can understand where you're coming from. I guess I have that same lust; I probably started my first story the same way you did, with just an idea for a couple of good sex scenes and the urge to put them in writing.

Then, after reading some of the reviews of other stories on this forum and checking out the Writer's Resources section , I realized that if I wanted to do some serious writing, I'd have to put in a lot of time and effort to create the non-erotic parts of it. I'm glad I did take the time to develop a more well-rounded story and I have an appreciation for others who make that effort as well.

So now, I like to see some character development and some sort of plot in the stories I read. We don't have any idea who Ian or Wendy really are, or what they're like (other than Ian has a habit of being late). What are they thinking or feeling (other than being in love)? Which anniversary is this? How old are they (not necessarily their exact ages, but are they older, younger, middle age)? What has their marriage been like, smooth all the way or have there been some bumps along the road? There are many questions you can ask yourself to help flesh out your story and make us care about your characters.

Correct punctuation is a big deal to me as well. I'll mention a number of examples.

A person's dialog should have its own paragraph:
She moaned his name softly, "Ian, honey, we, baby we have to go." he grinned and whispered "not till you cum"
Should be:
She moaned his name softly, "Ian, honey, we, baby, we have to go."

He grinned and whispered, "Not till you cum."

There are a number of run-on sentences, an example here:
He pushed her against the wall, raised her leg, and rested it on his shoulder, and he buried his face in her pussy, parting her lips with his fingers, sucking slowly on her clit, and pushing his fingers into her again.

There's a number of lines where you repeat a word:

He sucked firmly on her clit, pumping his fingers in and out of her faster, feeling her drench his fingers.

Laying her down, he looked into her eyes, brushed her hair out of her eyes, and slid between her legs.

His hard cock throbbed against the feel of her lips, and he rubbed them over her, placing the head of it into her, entwining his fingers with hers, and squeezing her hand softly as he penetrated her fully.

By the way, you probably meant "it" instead of "them" in the last sentence above (unless Ian somehow managed to rub Wendy's lips over her).

"... her thong poking out just barely visible at the back of her pants, ...
At the beginning of the story, you wrote that Ian had slipped his hands up Wendy's skirt and now she's wearing pants. Did she decide to change clothes before they left? Changing would seem kind of odd, since she was already anxious to leave and she had been waiting (presumably wearing the outfit she was going to travel in) for Ian to get home so they could take off.

There are other errors, but maybe you get the idea. The punctuation thing is easy to get a handle on once you start using it (PM me if you are willing to have a more thorough critique). I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing, but you did ask for criticisms, good or bad, so I took that as a request from a writer that's serious about improving her skills.

Hope that was helpful.

 

[CandiKane]

Wendy,

A decent story for a first time posting.

Sorry, but I could not vote on the poll as none of the choices applied, but in the main I liked it.

Now for the (hopefully constructive) criticism.

My suggestions for improvement would be to slow down a little and spend more words/time on your introduction and transition from one sexual escapade to the next. Let us get to know the characters better, their thoughts, emotions, desires, etc. Also it seems your hroine always comes 3 times, it seems unrealistic, but that could be my personal bias.

Anyway, keep writing.

LOL,
Lime

Thank you for the replies, and all the input.

Just a side note here tho, cumming 3 times, not unrealistic Most of the stories I've written, I've lived, and Im one of those VERY lucky women.

Look forward to you reading more of my stories soon

 

[CandiKane]

College

Well, my second story is out and posted on line, and i would definately love the feed back.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103470

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hi, again, Wendy.

I saw some improvement as far as fleshing out your story. Your storyline is good (more interesting, I thought, than Anniversary).

I liked the way you included some of the visuals that Jessica was experiencing. Now start incorporating some of the other senses. Take this line, for example:

Julie took her fingers out of Jessica, and brought them to Jessica's mouth, slowly she licked her juices off of Julies fingers, and moaned "I want more"

This would have been a good opportunity to describe what Jessica smells, feels and/or tastes:
Julie pulled her fingers out of Jessica and brought them to Jessica's mouth. Jessica felt Julie's fingers, slick with her juices, rub lightly against her lips. The pungent smell of her own sex filled Jessica's nose, making her giddy. She tentatively stuck out her tongue and tasted herself for the first time. Her passion ignited and Jessica slowly began licking the slightly sharp fluid from her roommate's fingers.

The rest of my critique has to do with grammar and punctuation (kind of a pet peeve of mine, as you can tell).

Carol, a beautiful redhead, aspiring actress.

Linda and snotty rich girl from California.

And Julie, a blonde bombshell, known for her sexual cravings on and off campus.

None of these are complete sentences (i.e., you have nouns without verbs), so you should either put them together in one long sentence or make complete sentences out of them by adding verbs. And they should all be combined into one paragraph, since they are all related to the same theme: Jessica's roommates.

One long sentence without verbs:
Wrapped in a towel, she started down the stairs of the house she shared with her three roommates: Carol, a beautiful redhead and aspiring actress; Linda, a snotty rich girl from California; and Julie, a blonde bombshell, known for her sexual cravings both on and off campus.

Multiple sentences, with added verbs underlined:
Wrapped in a towel, she started down the stairs of the house she shared with her three roommates. Carol was a beautiful redhead and aspiring actress. Linda, a snotty rich girl, hailed from California. Julie, a blonde bombshell, was known for her sexual cravings both on and off campus.

The following line sounds nice, but I couldn't tell what you meant by it:

Only the law of nature just wasn’t in her hands right now.

Even after reading the whole story, I couldn't understand what "law of nature" seemed to be eluding her. Were you referring to Jessica not being in a relationship at the moment? Or does it refer to her having sex with another couple at the end? Maybe something else that you haven't elaborated on?

There are too many commas in this next paragraph and you still need to watch out for overly long sentences:

As she came down the wide staircase, heading to the laundry room to get her clothes, nearing the bottom, she could hear moaning, the door to Julie's room was slightly ajar, and she could see in dim lit halls, the candles burning throughout. She moved more slowly, around the banister, and could see Julie on her knees, between the legs of Michael.

That first sentence has a lot of things going on and it jumps around. I would break that line into two:
As she descended the wide staircase to get her clothes from the laundry room, she could hear moaning. The door to Julie's room was slightly ajar and Jessica could see candles burning throughout the dimly lit hall.

Another run-on:

She closed her eyes, and pictured Michaels face buried between her legs, sucking and nibbling on her flesh, it was at that moment that she felt the hot breath on her thigh.

This is called a "comma-splice," because you have two independent clauses (complete sentences) that you've joined together with a comma (in red above). The easiest way to fix this is to use a period:
She closed her eyes and pictured Michael's face buried between her legs, sucking and nibbling on her flesh. It was at that moment that she felt the hot breath on her thigh.

Last comma-splice example:

Julie took her fingers out of Jessica, and brought them to Jessica's mouth, slowly she licked her juices off of Julies fingers, and moaned "I want more"

Should be:
Julie took her fingers out of Jessica and brought them to Jessica's mouth. Slowly, Jessica licked her juices off of Julie's fingers and moaned, "I want more."

There's quite a few other errors, mostly with regards to comma usage, that I won't specifically mention (unless you want me to). I know that things like grammar & punctuation don't matter that much to a lot of people; however, to literate readers, I think overly bad usage tends to distract too much from the story.

Keep up the good work, and looking forward to more stories.

 

[CandiKane]

Wow, I want you as my editor

the one line you quoted
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only the law of nature just wasn’t in her hands right now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it should have read

Only, the law of nature, just wasn't in her hands right now.

meant that her sexual desires were overcoming her.

But if you ever think of editing, I would really LOVE to have you as my editor

Hi, again, Wendy.

I saw some improvement as far as fleshing out your story. Your storyline is good (more interesting, I thought, than Anniversary).

 

[ffreak]

Hot, short and breathtaking.

Your first story is good and heartwarming. But why is it in Mature? I didn't see anything that made it a particulary mature story. I would have expected to find it in erotic couplings. But, that's just my 50+ voice.

In your second story you list all of the roommates, but we only meet one. I would like to see more development of characters you mention. You could tell us there were three other roommates, even tell us at the end some kind of foreshadowing about getting to meet them in other stories If you mention them, you make us wonder about them.

I agree Hotcappucino is giving you very good help.

 

[CandiKane]

Hot, short and breathtaking.

Your first story is good and heartwarming. But why is it in Mature? I didn't see anything that made it a particulary mature story. I would have expected to find it in erotic couplings. But, that's just my 50+ voice.

In your second story you list all of the roommates, but we only meet one. I would like to see more development of characters you mention. You could tell us there were three other roommates, even tell us at the end some kind of foreshadowing about getting to meet them in other stories If you mention them, you make us wonder about them.

I agree Hotcappucino is giving you very good help.

Actually, College is the first story in that series, I just havent taken time to write more, I need better inspiration I suppose.

 

[ffreak]

More inspiration?

But you've just started. I want to hear more about what happens to these characters.

1) A couple who are willing to give each other just what they need to satisfy their cravings and their desire for one another. What will Ian or Wendy think of next to keep things interesting in their marriage?

2) One out of eight possible combinations of roomates having the time of their lives with each other. Too salacious to stop now. Gimme more. What about the other roomies. What will Linda and Carol do to make Julie's and Jessica's lives even wilder?

You have such potential, please keep writing.