Lunch with Dave

[firemoon]

Hello All,

I am a new author to Literotica and would appreciate some feedback.

The story is under Erotic Couplings - I am Firemoon and the name is "Lunch with Dave"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85204

I would like to try to write a lot of other categories as well - but this is my first. I have already received some feedback from friends. I would be delighted to receive feed back from authors and readers as well - Thank you for taking the time to read and critique.

Bright Blessings - Firemoon

 

[gauchecritic]

OK here it comes.

First para. Way too many... elipses, far too many - hyphens. I can see what you are attempting, that is writing out what you are saying. However, it doesn't work. It would have been much better to have written eerm and uh. That still wouldn't look right but it wouldn't be quite as annoying. You are also speaking so the first para (if not the whole piece) should be enclosed with "quotes".

An inner glow is exactly that, it may be apparent but it won't be around you.

You keep mixing tenses "I want to tell you..." and " I could not stop...". "Dave called me..." and "The air feels warm..."

There are a few typos, two of which are missing words and transposed words.

You've made love a few times yet the sudden delving into each other doesn't really come across as a hungry thing, which I think you are implying.

Making a list of what someone looks like is a no-no. I know that it is in the guise of someone talking but when it is written down it becomes a paragraph to skim over as a 'list'. If you feel the need to describe someone, do it in bits throughout the build up. for example;

'Dave called me and arranged a for a picnic in the mountains "No bears, no ants, no people but us I promise"'

Shows a wit and gentle humour. As many of the folks here will delight in informing you, show don't tell.

"As you can see..." Uh-uh. No we can't see. We're reading not talking. And then the list again.

"I have box lunches for us to eat." Either make them really sexy and interesting box lunches or don't bother telling us they're there.

'Fresh bright crinkly lettuce, the reddest tomatoes (Dave always calls them "love apples") Deliciously thin, pink, tender ham'

"As it happens, our cars..." surely not.

"It's not likely anyone will come up this drive." What drive? This is the first we've read about it. You have the picture in your head as you write, we haven't. I had you at a picnic table amongst a load of other picnic tables not in a secluded grove.

"He’s already taken his working clothes off and changed into outdoor clothes"

One follows the other, so the first is redundant.

"When he walks towards me, his hiker’s legs and feet pad the ground in noiseless, sure steps like a strolling mountain lion."

This is ok and it is also the place where you could (should) have mentioned the one with nature thing (which was good BTW) from the list.

"Then he focuses his attention on me, drawing me to him with his eyes."

Very awkward.

"The gentle wind around us carries the scent of desire, both our nostrils flare and the tension begins."

Nostrils flaring always makes me smile and to see it synchronised made me giggle. The tension should be already really quite high, with anticipation and the reader should be aware of tension without you needing to say so.

"Dave has blankets, one for the seat of the table one for the table and our lunches. We start to make small talk – “How’s work?” “How’s the writing coming along?” …"

Oh looks like the tension has been hacked at with a blunt bread knife.

" smell the primal pull. I move to his side of the table - the lunches can wait."

You really didn't mean to write that did you? Smell the pull?

"my nipples prune, harden and get erect. When he touches me it’s like rain in the desert. "

I really like this sentence. Very original and telling description.

I can find nothing that I can pin down about the sex scenes in general that will help you. They seem to be muddled and stilted Hands suddenly being where they weren't a second before without any obvious movement, feeling his manhood swell from an apparent distance.

"deposits the wet", "I ripple", " I pop once...twice" These are all good and provoking but you then use "plunge" about a million and three times.

No dirty words once pass your fingertips and I take my hat off to you for being able to do this and still keep that certain passion.

"but he's semi-soft - how can that be? "

How can that NOT be, but still he manages once more AND a blow job to boot. This was really quite unbelievable. On the other hand he IS your character and this IS a story.

"We lay silent, touching, breathing together for a few moments. When our breathing slows I move off him still straddling the bench and he sits up grinning. We move closer so our bodies are touching and we stroke each other. I gently push him down on the bench. I take a towelette and gently wipe him off. I scoot back a little."

It's happened before but this is the best example of what I'm now christening the Ark Effect. 2 breathings 2 touchings and 2 gentlys all in the same paragraph.

Take a hanky, take a tissue, take a blade of grass but do not take a towelette, please.

The blow job after all the sex and orgasming? It's the first time I've read it and it seems completely the wrong way round. Aft-play? Can't be right.


Question. What's the tension spot?

I like the last paragraph (or what should be the last paragraph because we come once again to the box lunch and another bloody towelette in the form of a handi-wipe, why don't you go the whole hog and call it a Johnson and Johnson Moist Towelette "Fresher than springtime") back to the last paragraph.

I liked it, no ropes of man juice, no dribbling out of the mouth and no swirling. That last sentence "returning to this time and place" is very good.

Please don't be disheartened by this, I can't help being sarcastic and making jokes (I'm English you see) I thought the story was pretty good altogether but could have been much better.

A little bit too romantic for my tastes (whatever you do don't read any of my stories) but I'm sure a womans viewpoint would be much more valuable to you as to the "wholeness" of the piece.

Good work. Keep writing.

Gauche

 

[firemoon]

thank you

Thank you for your critique - I will go over each one in the story carefully- I do plan to read your writing and looking forward to it.

Thank you