Love's Luge

[Liechtenstein]

Please let us know what you think about our poem, "Love's Luge." The link is:
www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39806

Thank you!

 

[Liechtenstein]

We're #1!

We'll be partyin' hearty in little Liechtenstein tonight, you'd better believe that. Our national poets have captured the #1 spot on the Literotica toplist, and we take our erotic poetry very seriously, especially on those long, cold winter nights. We'll be fucking and sucking into the wee hours of the morning for sure!

 

[Guest]

Judge #4 here, Liechtenstein.

I scored your poem a 2.25 in the first round. Perhaps this will help clarify why.

STYLE:
--The style seemed flowery to me. Examples of some (sorry!) trite ideas: "bottomless pit of my need," "love's heartbeat," "souls merge and melt together," "bodies coalesce into one."

--This seemed more gushy than erotic.

FORM:
--I didn't perceive any particular form or structure. I'm not a poetry master nor well read in poetry, so my weakness here makes it difficult to enjoy formless poems. I admit that.

IMAGERY:
--"Rocketing feet first" nice image, but...

--"...down the narrow channel of your luge..." I could be mistaken, but I thought the luge was the vehicle, not the course.

--"hidden alleys" liked that image. Shadows on snow make everything seem surreal.

--the image of the pebble might have worked, but I felt it interfered with the luge metaphor.

I'm afraid this poem just didn't speak to me. I did not feel the emotion that the poem was clearly trying to convey. I don't think the lack of form compelled me toward a lower score as much as the style and imagery problems that I mentioned. Also, the ending seemed abrupt. I felt it needed a little more, but of course, that was the required couplet, so I can see why you didn't add anything. Still it felt cut off.

 

[Liechtenstein]

Who was that masked judge?

Well, judge #4 (if that's your real name), evaluating poetry is largely subjective, and I disagree with much of what you say. I consider the poem sensual and romantic, but not mushy. The luge metaphor emphasizes the dangers inherent in love, just as luge is a very dangerous sport.

There is a structure to the poem, but evidently it was too subtle for you to grasp. The poem is written in free verse, with the first two stanzas having six lines each, the next two four, and the concluding couplet providing the only rhyme. The voices of the poem are a pair of lovers. The male speaks the first two stanzas, the woman responds in the next two, and the man concludes. The metaphor of the concentric waves provides a deliberate counterpoint to the luge metaphor (male). It is a somewhat loose, ad hoc structure, for a form nonetheless.

I believe the poem does come to completion, and is not just abruptly dropped. The man's need is met by the woman's acceptance, and is resolved in the sense of comfort and repose he receives from her.