Love, Romance, and Sex is one big ball of Yarn- how about you?

[f15]

Hi all. So I have been with seeing a girl for about a year now. I think our Libidos may not be that far off from each other but our sexual desires and experience have been. And for the last few months I really lost interest in sex with her. I tend to keep things to myself and pent up but on the same hand if you unlock the Pandoras box I will say anything. We have a good relationship but the sex thing wasn't working and we almost threw the towel in but we had some honest conversations and we will see where it goes. That is a quick synopsis of my question I have.

How many of you have the whole thing of love, romance, and sex and jumbled up in the brain? I can love someone and romance them as well as have sex but to really get me involved and let you get in my head I really want everything connected at a strong level. Otherwise I get lost in the sauce and just lose interest. I really can't separate the 3. I want it all and I want everything to coincide with each other.

I am a giver as one lover called me. My sexual gratification can come from pleasing my other in the bedroom. She says it is very rare and women long for this type of DNA in the bedroom LOL. I was in a marriage that had limited sex and I fell out of love and lost the desire to romance her. Is this really out of the ordinary? I was diagnosed with some ADD last year which I am fine with but sex is a huge deal for me and I now know one reason why. I am not necessarily looking for advice but some good conversation about it and anyone's thought with it.

 

[skimpycloud]

from my point, I find that sex can be gratifying without love or romance, but better with, and balled in with that is a stronger level of trust. However, I am not sure I could love my SO in the way that I do without the sex. I guess otherwise he'd just be my best friend.

I don't think that all three will always coincide with everyone, and there is always an element of work involved (though I don't mean for that to sound like a chore), especially when the honeymoon phase tapers out.

 

[Damana]

Just my personal opinion based on my relationship with my fiance.

I have to agree with you because I see all three as being connected. Yes you can have sex without love or love someone without sex but it's better when all three are there.

He and I are on the save wave length on most of those...our only issue is in the sex department but this is due both to current living arrangements and health issues on my part. Despite these, everything is still there even if we are unable to be as intimate as we like.

I wouldn't base a relationship solely on the ability to or not to have sex though...I completely understand it being important...but to me it's just silly to end a wonderful relationship over that....out of the blue...at least without having talked things through and honestly tried to fix it.

I tend to ramble a bit so I apologize if I got off topic but yes...I think they are all one and same.

 

[f15]

I definitely agree that any relationship is a work in progress and it may just be my position in life but if I am not satisfied with the sex I lose interest in everything else. We have opened a line of communication and we will see what happens. There always has to be balance but being in as marriage for too long wanting to explore my sexuality is no longer an option for my next relationship. As hard as it may sound this is my life and I will no longer settle for being lonely in a 3 aspects of this topic. Compromise yes, settle no...

And they talk about women with the 100 gauges, switches, and lights in their Cockpits Lol......

 

[fgarvb1]

Wow.

If you knew how many hours of group therapy it takes for a certain couple of groups of people to learn to tell the difference between love and sex you would be shocked.

And thats all I have to say about that.

 

[amofiga]

It's hard to say how relationships are going to progress and how long they will last. The basis for a long term relationship is often not sex per se. We generally start out with basic "chemistry" attraction which feeds lust which leads to sex. Friendship, or basic compatibility and interest in the same sorts of non-sexual things, may or may not be a key factor in the early hot-pants stage.

Sometimes, sexual relationships evolve from more basic friendship and compatibility. It's hard to say and it isn't always the same. However, if basic compatibility and "friendship" aren't there, the relationship may not last. There's an old cliche about marrying your best friend and not necessarily your best lover or sex partner. Trust me, after 42 years of marriage, it's not sex that keeps you together through all sorts of problems and stress and pain. In fact, sex issues can often be more of a source of those problems, stress, and pain. There has to be something more basic that can make you feel comfortable and competible and fulfilled with a long term partner.

One thing I know is that long term relationships don't just happen and roll along smoothly. I think one of the reasons that relationships fail is that the partners somehow believe that "love conquers all". Not necessarily true. It takes a conscious commitment to keep things going for many years. Both partners do it because they want to and each brings something to their life that makes it better if they are together than apart. As someone above said, you can have frienship and good sex but not love, you can have love and sex and not good friendship/compatibility, you can have love and friendship and ho-hum sex. The ideal is to have all three in the way both partners would define as ideal, but my guess is that the "ideal" only happens in about one in five relationships. There's another one in five relationships that's a total mess, and then there's about three in five that rumbles around with ups, downs, and a lot of murky muck to one level or another.

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

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<---- For math / visual people.

 

[f15]

I would agree with any statistic which basically establishes that few relationships will be a strong combination of love, sex, and romance. I just know my wires are different and I have hit a point in my life that my SO has to have a good mix of the 3. A lady I was dating last year was extremely strong minded about sex and she knew what she wanted from her lover and was not willing to compromise. It did not work out but I was impressed that she stuck to her "guns" and would not settle for second.

And yes I agree that sexuality can be very disruptive for a marriage. People can say all day long that finances destroy a marriage the most but I disagree. People like to lay quick blame on something and in most cases won't talk about love, romance, and sex easily destroying a couples life. Maybe they go to a Therapist but who really opens up in Therapy Lol..... JMHO.

Thanks