Love or Luv?

[Keroin]

Ever since the big foufoura over the Condatis and Owned thread, I’ve been contemplating what it was about their public displays of affection that generated such heated reactions – both positive and negative. I’ve come up with a theory and I invite everyone to blow holes in it but here goes…

There is love and then there is “luv”. (For this discussion, I limit both to the romantic variety though I acknowledge there are limitless permutations with each category). What I consider love, is the deep and abiding emotion, the psychic glue, if you will, which holds two or more people together. Luv exists primarily on the surface and serves the function of convincing one or more people of the affection felt.

I could go on for pages, trying to explain the difference but, instead, let me offer two real life examples to demonstrate what I mean.

Example One: Love

One night I was out for dinner with a small group of friends to celebrate my best friend, MD’s, 30th birthday. Her husband of ten years was there with us – I’ll call him Ricky (an inside joke). At one point, the conversation turned to sex, specifically morning sex. MD made a joke about how, during her pregnancy, she couldn’t keep Ricky off her in the mornings. Now, this man has a good sense of humour, but suddenly his expression became serious. “I couldn’t help it,” he said, “I’d wake up and look over at my wife, carrying our child, and she was just so beautiful, I wanted to be close to her.”

His eyes teared up as he spoke and no one laughed. This was a public display of affection, yes, but it came from a real place and none of us doubted the sincerity of Ricky’s words.

This couple has been together for almost twenty years now.

Example Two: Luv

While watching a movie with friends one evening, I noticed my friend JR’s new girlfriend, (who quickly became known as “Bubbles”) staring at him intently. This staring went on for so long that everyone else started noticing it, too. Finally, one of the guys asked Bubbles, “Aren’t you going to watch the movie?” To which she replied, with a breathy sigh, “I’d rather look at JR, I just love him so much.”

If ever there was a group gagging moment, this was it.

This couple has been together for ten years.

***
OK, so what’s the difference between these two situations? Why does one inspire feelings of warmth while the other makes people want to say, “Oh give me a farking break?” I think the answer lies in the intentions.

In Ricky’s case, he felt compelled to explain his reasons for excessive morning nookie and the only answer he could give was the truth, he loves his wife. In Bubbles case, she wanted everyone to see that she was in love with JR, for purely selfish reasons. People can sense when they’re being manipulated and they usually don’t like it.

I don’t judge people who are in luv. When I come across cute expressions of affection on this board, they don’t bother me, I just skip over them. I also think luv can evolve to love. Personally, I wouldn’t use a public forum to display affection for a mate but that’s just me.

I’m curious to know what everyone else has to say?

 

[CutieMouse]

I'd love [pun intended] to say that I don't categorize [judge] people in "luv", but I do on a tackiness scale - kinda similarly to how I classify people with money vs. people with bling. It isn't pretty, but there ya go.

Some of it is the manipulation thing you mentioned above. Fawning PDAs remind me of the dating games kids played in junior high. It annoyed me then, so it makes sense that it would annoy me now... but I must also admit a degree of cynical relationship bitterness darkens my rose colored glasses, so I try very hard to ignore syrupy wuv-fests (or at least keep my opinions to myself).

 

[ZRT]

It does break down along the lines of sincerity vs. putting on a show. When two people are comfortable with each other, they can casually refer to their relationship in a natural fashion, because it's part of what fuses them together. On the other hand, the luv thing is more 'hey, look at us be cuuuuuuuuuuute!' and it just gets nauseating.

People who put on the big show usually aren't really 'in love' so much as they're using another person to show that they're in a relationship. There's also cases where they don't really feel it, but feel they should feel it, so they put on the production because that's what's expected of them. I used to know a horribly co-dependent couple where the wife had no respect for the husband but kept him because he was safe (when she wasn't having the odd affair), and the husband, well, he was taking the only woman who'd put up with him. The shows they'd put on of 'wuv wuv wuv you' was just disgusting.

 

[Recidiva]

Love: Pictures of the family on the wall you see when you walk into someone's home. Pride in an aspect of life.

Luv: Exhibitionism. All over the place, making itself the most important thing in the room at all times.

 

[ZRT]

Love: Pictures of the family on the wall you see when you walk into someone's home. Pride in an aspect of life.

Luv: Exhibitionism. All over the place, making itself the most important thing in the room at all times.

Nice and succinct.

 

[wicked woman]

Personally, I wouldn’t use a public forum to display affection for a mate but that’s just me.

That's my main problem with it. Why would you need a public thread to ooo and aaahhh over each other? If the sentiment is meant for the other, do it privately. If it's done publicly on a continuous basis, I attribute another reason to it. One I don't choose to be a part of.

btw thanks for sharing the story about Ricky...so endearing.

 

[Keroin]

That's my main problem with it. Why would you need a public thread to ooo and aaahhh over each other? If the sentiment is meant for the other, do it privately. If it's done publicly on a continuous basis, I attribute another reason to it. One I don't choose to be a part of.

btw thanks for sharing the story about Ricky...so endearing.

I have to agree with this. I think the odd, romantic post is to be expected but when it happens continuously I also begin to suspect the motives behind it. (For the record, I'm a skeptic.)

Ricky is amazing. A real man in every respect and someone I admire immensely. He and his wife have been through some tough times and their love is still as strong as it ever was. Though JR and Bubbles are still together, they've never had any serious test of their relationship. I often wonder what would happen if they did. My thinking is, if he were to lose all his money, she'd be gone - but I've been wrong about these things before.

Mind you, this is a woman who pronounces Tijuana as Tee-jew-wanna. (Women like her are the reason we blondes get such a bad rap).

I think another difference between love and luv is that the latter never seems to survive the really rough patches.

 

[intothewoods]

I didn't get the hullabaloo over Condatis and Owned. They were somewhat annoying but they aren't the first people to annoy me. And they stayed in one thread, so it was easy to ignore.

If JR and Bubbles have been together for ten years, and sappy is what works for them, eh, enjoy.

 

[ZRT]

I didn't get the hullabaloo over Condatis and Owned. They were somewhat annoying but they aren't the first people to annoy me. And they stayed in one thread, so it was easy to ignore.

If JR and Bubbles have been together for ten years, and sappy is what works for them, eh, enjoy.

Meh, it wasn't the wubby wubby, it was their hysterical reaction to a bit of poking that was ridiculous.

 

[Keroin]

Meh, it wasn't the wubby wubby, it was their hysterical reaction to a bit of poking that was ridiculous.

Agreed.

I have no issues with people in luv, more power to them. At least, online, I can tune them out if I want to. In real life, it's a bit harder to ignore, especially when they luv-ers fall within a close circle of friends. But, overall, to each his own.

JR and Bubbles are happy and they suit each other. I'm happy for them. I choose not to spend time with them, though, as do a lot of other people who used to be their friends. This may sound petty but my reasons are much the same as the reasons people gave for being annoyed at Condatis and Owned's posts- namely, they don't make an effort to interact with others in any meaningful way.

I have been in love, I know how wonderful it feels, but I don't ignore my friends when they are in the same room as me and my partner. Does that make sense? (Excepting the first few months when we all go a little nutty). And, if my partner cannot accept that he will not receive my 100% focus every second we're together, then this is not the person for me.

Added: I should also mention that MD and Ricky are a couple I want to be around. Their love for each other, and public displays of such, enrich rather than exclude. I'm not alone, either, people naturally gravitate toward them. I'm not sure why love attracts and luv repels but that seems to be the case.

 

[wicked woman]

I have to agree with this. I think the odd, romantic post is to be expected but when it happens continuously I also begin to suspect the motives behind it. (For the record, I'm a skeptic.)

Ricky is amazing. A real man in every respect and someone I admire immensely. He and his wife have been through some tough times and their love is still as strong as it ever was. Though JR and Bubbles are still together, they've never had any serious test of their relationship. I often wonder what would happen if they did. My thinking is, if he were to lose all his money, she'd be gone - but I've been wrong about these things before.

Mind you, this is a woman who pronounces Tijuana as Tee-jew-wanna. (Women like her are the reason we blondes get such a bad rap).

I think another difference between love and luv is that the latter never seems to survive the really rough patches.

You might be right about Bubbles and JR, but I'm also a believer that only the couple know the full 'story' of their relationship.

I was out walking down the main street today and noticed a gray haired couple...maybe early 60s...holding each other's hand. Put a smile on my face. I don't come from a demonstrative family...it's something I learned from my ex-husband...so always think it's wonderful when couples have been together a long time (admittedly an assumption on my part) and still enjoy holding hands.

 

[ultramarineblue]

And, if my partner cannot accept that he will not receive my 100% focus every second we're together, then this is not the person for me.

This is exactly me. I'm personally not comfortable hanging all over someone in public. I just don't see the point in public. If we're together, we're together. There is no need to prove it to anyone. I am a bit more touchy feely in private though....but that's where there isn't an audience. Ok, so I'm a lot more touchy feely in private.

 

[ZRT]

I have been in love, I know how wonderful it feels, but I don't ignore my friends when they are in the same room as me and my partner. Does that make sense? (Excepting the first few months when we all go a little nutty). And, if my partner cannot accept that he will not receive my 100% focus every second we're together, then this is not the person for me.

Yeah, exactly. There's a certain 'new toy!' thing when a relationship starts, but if you're still at it a few months in, it's kind of ridiculous. I always make a point with my wenches- don't cut off contact. Romantic relationships come and go a lot more than platonic friendships, so whenever possible you don't want to sacrifice the latter for the former.

 

[Keroin]

You might be right about Bubbles and JR, but I'm also a believer that only the couple know the full 'story' of their relationship.

I was out walking down the main street today and noticed a gray haired couple...maybe early 60s...holding each other's hand. Put a smile on my face. I don't come from a demonstrative family...it's something I learned from my ex-husband...so always think it's wonderful when couples have been together a long time (admittedly an assumption on my part) and still enjoy holding hands.

True enough. I could be completely wrong about them. I admit I have some prejudice there - for other reasons.

I love seeing older people still holding hands, kissing , hugging, etc. Beautiful.

 

[sinnocence]

...I love seeing older people still holding hands, kissing , hugging, etc. Beautiful.

Exactly.

Love, to me, is staying together for almost sixty years like my grandparents have. No matter what they've been through and the countless arguments I remember hearing while growing up, they're still together. My grandmother is now in a nursing home with dementia and every day my grandfather drives the 45 minutes to go see her. That is love.

Luv is little 12, 13, 14 year old boys and girls that claim they have already found "the love of their life."

 

[Keroin]

This is exactly me. I'm personally not comfortable hanging all over someone in public. I just don't see the point in public. If we're together, we're together. There is no need to prove it to anyone. I am a bit more touchy feely in private though....but that's where there isn't an audience. Ok, so I'm a lot more touchy feely in private.

When it comes to public canoodling, time, place and circumstance come into play, for me. If I'm out dancing, I have no problem rubbing and fondling my partner, if I'm at a friend's house for dinner, then holding hands or light touching is probably as far as I'll go. For me it's a statement to the people I'm with. That is, "I respect you, so I'm not going to do something that will make you feel left out or uncomfortable."

Yeah, exactly. There's a certain 'new toy!' thing when a relationship starts, but if you're still at it a few months in, it's kind of ridiculous. I always make a point with my wenches- don't cut off contact. Romantic relationships come and go a lot more than platonic friendships, so whenever possible you don't want to sacrifice the latter for the former.

Here, here!!

For aprox the first 70 days of a new relationship, there are all kinds of heavy hitting hormones at work, that we're virtually powerless to fight, (hence the title of the movie "9 1/2 Weeks"). The best we can do is try to restrain ourselves and cling to a lifeline of logic, while enjoying the rush.

I made the mistake, in my younger years, of ditching friends when I had a new luv in my life. My regret over those choices have kept me from repeating that mistake. I place the highest value on my friendships.

 

[ZRT]

For aprox the first 70 days of a new relationship, there are all kinds of heavy hitting hormones at work, that we're virtually powerless to fight, (hence the title of the movie "9 1/2 Weeks"). The best we can do is try to restrain ourselves and cling to a lifeline of logic, while enjoying the rush.

This sounds like there's research backing it. Got a source to satisfy my eternal curiosity?

 

[Keroin]

This sounds like there's research backing it. Got a source to satisfy my eternal curiosity?

To be honest, it's from a documentary on sexual behaviour, which I watched several years ago. Can't recall the name. I'll see if I can track it down. Fascinating stuff. Makes a lot of sense. I know the first few months are always like that, heady times. After I saw that, I promised I would never make a decision about a partner until after the first year together - plenty of time for the honeymoon phase to run its course.

 

[midwestyankee]

Keroin, you might find this thread: Defining Love of interest.

 

[wicked woman]

Keroin, you might find this thread: Defining Love of interest.

God I loved that thread! Thanks for reminding me Yank....heads off for some good memories...people and words.

Edited: It's not the original thread.

 

[Keroin]

Keroin, you might find this thread: Defining Love of interest.

Thanks MWY. This will be the perfect read for one of my many insomniacal evenings.

Cheers!

 

[rida]

Love is often shy and tries to avoid the spot light.

Luv is loud and in your face and want to be seen.

That said, luv can be entertaining and make you smile. The problem is when it lack any sense of humor and it takes itself too seriously.

*snip

I have been in love, I know how wonderful it feels, but I don't ignore my friends when they are in the same room as me and my partner. Does that make sense? (Excepting the first few months when we all go a little nutty). And, if my partner cannot accept that he will not receive my 100% focus every second we're together, then this is not the person for me.

*snip*

During college, at parties or when out with friends, the person that would get the least of my attention was my then bf. After all I had all the time before and after to be with him. Of course I would check in with him from time to time to make sure he was having a good time too.

I'm still not much different now. Although I do shower my Hubby with more attention than my then bf.

On-line public display of affection can be sweet. And in moderate doses would make me happy. But my idea of moderate might not be the same as someone else.

 

[the captians wench]

In small doses PDAs here I find very endearing.

Hommy's post to MIS in the LDR thread yesterday....sweet

The little posts here and there SKL and Dark Sword pass....cute

Post 56 between O and C....okay, I've seen enough

I've had my PDA moments...even if they are one sided as he doesn't post here very often, and I think only once in this section, but I don't pretend my life revolves around adoring him publicly 24/7. I do have a life to live, and while he is a very central factor in that life, there are others worth mentioning as well.

I love seeing those sweet breif exchanges between couples here...as long as that's not all they are doing, then I just start skipping over thier posts.

Fortunitly I have not had to deal with this in off line life, not since adulthood anyway.

I do remember a "awe" moment from the couple who had adopted me for a while.

I was measuring her for a corset, and he was writing the measurements down as I read them off. At one point he looked up at her and said "it's like when you were measured for your wedding dress". The look of love and adoration on his face and in his voice at that moment as he recalled some memory from before I met them was so overwhelming. I couldn't help but be embraced by the love they shared in that moment as she just looked down at him and grinned.

 

[Netzach]

You might be right about Bubbles and JR, but I'm also a believer that only the couple know the full 'story' of their relationship.

I was out walking down the main street today and noticed a gray haired couple...maybe early 60s...holding each other's hand. Put a smile on my face. I don't come from a demonstrative family...it's something I learned from my ex-husband...so always think it's wonderful when couples have been together a long time (admittedly an assumption on my part) and still enjoy holding hands.

This is how I feel about it too. I have no idea how I come across to other people with M and I really do not care. I probably make a lot of judgements but they're fleeting things usually. I'm very conscious of having NO FUCKING IDEA how other people relate in private life. I've known enough Ricky-seeming guys who are eventually shown to be raging assholes and bubbles-apparent women to have hearts of gold.

Maybe this is a vantage point that sex work gives you - the notion that it's entirely possible for everyone to look at a couple and have no freaking idea in the world what's actually up.

I've worked over enough "I'm in the SM world, and it knows me as a Master" people to not have any idea. Some people are who they say they are, some people are not and most people are somewhat.

Oh, I also just watched Shortbus finally, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Recidiva]

This is how I feel about it too. I have no idea how I come across to other people with M and I really do not care. I probably make a lot of judgements but they're fleeting things usually. I'm very conscious of having NO FUCKING IDEA how other people relate in private life. I've known enough Ricky-seeming guys who are eventually shown to be raging assholes and bubbles-apparent women to have hearts of gold.

Maybe this is a vantage point that sex work gives you - the notion that it's entirely possible for everyone to look at a couple and have no freaking idea in the world what's actually up.

I've worked over enough "I'm in the SM world, and it knows me as a Master" people to not have any idea. Some people are who they say they are, some people are not and most people are somewhat.

Oh, I also just watched Shortbus finally, so take it with a grain of salt.

I think it can go any way, although I do know that even coming to Lit and saying I'm happily married and demonstrating such can result in huzzahs and support, and also denials and throwings of virtual verbal fruit.

So I have a balance of Love and Luv.

I do remember once my husband and I kissing at an airport, and hearing a deep intake of breath behind us. My husband and I turned to look at her and she said "Oh! Don't stop. It's just...it's nice to see someone that much in love." She was crying.

It's not all bad.