Love me. Please love me.(New Author)

[Livia]

I've been reading Literotica for almost a year. And the other day, I finally got the inspiration to actually -write- a piece for the site.

It is called 'Summer', and I put it under Erotic Couplings. Here's the address: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52351

There's a -lot- of room for me to improve, I know! I still think it's pretty good for a first try,though. I would -really- appreciate some feedback on what I can do better, though.

 

[GrammarImperfect]

I'm trying very hard to find something negative about the story but can't find one. No spelling error that I noticed. I'm weak on grammar side, so no comment on that. (I don't think there was any.)

''Summertime.'' I liked it. It set the mood of the story and so did ''She knew that sunbathing was unhealthy. But, hell. Deirdre Chorde had done a lot of "unhealthy" things in her lifetime, and sunbathing was the most innocent among them.''

The story flow. I admire the ones who can keep it sharp and short. Dierdre and Gabe, I could imagine them in my mind. Lovers... Very nice.

Love you?
Yes I do.

 

[SexyChele]

Well written first effort! There were a few minor grammar booboos, but nothing too serious. Something to keep in mind: dialogue always begins a new paragrah. As an example, in the second to last paragraph, you have both Gabe and Deirdre speaking. Technically, that should be broken out.

One thing that stuck with me, and yes, I know I'm anal about such things. You stated in the beginning of the story that Deirdre was topless, that she was wearing bottoms of some sort. Then when Gabe showed up, and she teased him, he immediately enters her. When did she take off her bathing suit bottoms?

And, yes, there are readers that will notice these types of things, and call you on them. The flow was good, but as a writer you must remember the details you've set earlier in the story and don't expect your readers to just assume that Deirdre's bottoms came off at some point.

Very good. I liked it, and hope you keep writing!

 

[Livia]

Thank you both so much for your comments!

Chele--The whole "dialogue begins a new paragraph" is something I've always had trouble remembering! Either that, or it never looks right to me (even though I know I'm wrong ) But I've been trying to improve on that.