Love like rain.

[Ms_Lilith]

I hear it,
sheets of it on my roof;
It's coming in buckets.
Soon, so will she.
It is wild,
untamed,
forceful yet uncertain.
Much like My little one.
It pelts,
it screams.
I pelt her,
she screams.
It breaks on My house
like My whip on her
back.
Rhythm,
steady and loud
silent
loud.
Her breathing,
the rain beating,
My tone berating.
It is all love,
love of water,
life, earth,
pain, her.

I love her;
like My roof loves the rain,
she loves Me.
I am her rain.
I cover her.
I drench her.
I own her.

She is Mine to caress.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I love you...

 

[Liar]

Neato. I like the layout, and the slightly out-of-breath reading that it causes.



Love like rain

Sheets of it on my roof;
It's coming in buckets.
Soon, so will she.


With that title attached, that's a poem in itself.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thank you... *smile* It's my first poem in a very long time... I rather like how it turned out.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I love you...

*grin*

Ditto, babygirl.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

No other comments? No critique? Any suggestions?

 

[bluerains]

am sorry to say...
rain is a soft gentle hush..

 

[bluerains]

am..
never
on a page
of a woman
giving in

being
an object

of
stripes
and
pain

whats to gain
whats to lose
but,
dominion...

 

[wildsweetone]

I hear it,
sheets of it on my roof;
It's coming in buckets.
Soon, so will she.
It is wild,
untamed,
forceful yet uncertain.
Much like My little one.
It pelts,
it screams.
I pelt her,
she screams.
It breaks on My house
like My whip on her
back.
Rhythm,
steady and loud
silent
loud.
Her breathing,
the rain beating,
My tone berating.
It is all love,
love of water,
life, earth,
pain, her.

I love her;
like My roof loves the rain,
she loves Me.
I am her rain.
I cover her.
I drench her.
I own her.

She is Mine to caress.

hi just some thoughts from me...

- i wonder if this poem would work differently/better if it were spread better over the page... there's a kind of to-ing and fro-ing that might look cool presented differently spaced.

-rain coming in buckets and inferring she will too is kind of cliche sounding to me.

-if it is wild, untamed, forceful, how is it possible it can be uncertain? those words seem to clash for me.

-what makes you say the rain 'screams'? how does it do that - show me.

-i'm not sure it makes sense that the roof loves the rain, i mean, you've given me nothing to allow me to agree.

-same with 'caress' - you've given me nothing to expect to see that word so it jars when i read it.

not sure if those are the kind of comments you're looking for, but they're some of mine and maybe something in there will be of use to you.

keep writing.

 

[wildsweetone]

am sorry to say...
rain is a soft gentle hush..

rain is not always like that where i live.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

hi just some thoughts from me...

- i wonder if this poem would work differently/better if it were spread better over the page... there's a kind of to-ing and fro-ing that might look cool presented differently spaced.

-rain coming in buckets and inferring she will too is kind of cliche sounding to me.

-if it is wild, untamed, forceful, how is it possible it can be uncertain? those words seem to clash for me.

-what makes you say the rain 'screams'? how does it do that - show me.

-i'm not sure it makes sense that the roof loves the rain, i mean, you've given me nothing to allow me to agree.

-same with 'caress' - you've given me nothing to expect to see that word so it jars when i read it.

not sure if those are the kind of comments you're looking for, but they're some of mine and maybe something in there will be of use to you.

keep writing.

-The spacing of the poem. I'm not a visual person when it comes to writing.. I hadn't considered spacing it differently. My spacing is how it sounded in my head.

-yes, it is cliche, but i didn't know how to better express it.

-the juxtaposition between forceful and uncertain is exactly what I was going for. Have you never met someone who bashed around, and yet wasn't sure of themselves?

-screaming rain. Wind howling, rain pelting so much you think the roof will break under it, the combination of the sounds is almost like screaming... at least, here.

-*shrug* My roof withstands the rain.. flowers grow on our roof, and are nurtured by the rain.

-do you not think that perhaps 'jarring' is what I was going for? That thoughts of violence and gentleness swirl unasked for in my head, and don't make sense to others, but to her?

This is the first poem I've written in years that I actually like.. it is the first poem I've written for a reason.

Thank you for your comments.

 

[wildsweetone]

-The spacing of the poem. I'm not a visual person when it comes to writing.. I hadn't considered spacing it differently. My spacing is how it sounded in my head.

-yes, it is cliche, but i didn't know how to better express it.

-the juxtaposition between forceful and uncertain is exactly what I was going for. Have you never met someone who bashed around, and yet wasn't sure of themselves?

-screaming rain. Wind howling, rain pelting so much you think the roof will break under it, the combination of the sounds is almost like screaming... at least, here.

-*shrug* My roof withstands the rain.. flowers grow on our roof, and are nurtured by the rain.

-do you not think that perhaps 'jarring' is what I was going for? That thoughts of violence and gentleness swirl unasked for in my head, and don't make sense to others, but to her?

This is the first poem I've written in years that I actually like.. it is the first poem I've written for a reason.

Thank you for your comments.

hi

i gave you my comments, it's up to you of course to do with them whatever you prefer you asked for feedback or critique and so that's what i gave. it's good that i could say my thoughts and you could answer each one with thought.

are you interested in learning how to avoid cliches or to write 'past' them?

or are you interested in doing anything further with your poem?

sorry, but from your answers i kind of get the impression you didn't want critique. my apologies if that's the case.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

hi

i gave you my comments, it's up to you of course to do with them whatever you prefer you asked for feedback or critique and so that's what i gave. it's good that i could say my thoughts and you could answer each one with thought.

are you interested in learning how to avoid cliches or to write 'past' them?

or are you interested in doing anything further with your poem?

sorry, but from your answers i kind of get the impression you didn't want critique. my apologies if that's the case.

Not at all. I appreciate your critique. I'm just stubborn and obstinate and have trouble with criticism. *smile* I tried to deal with it the best I could... especially having asked for it.