Love hurts- advice needed pretty please

[sophia jane]

I need advice. Or opinions. Or sympathy. Or something.

So, here's the situation. The boyfriend (we'll call me J.) and I have been together for a little over 8 months. We spend every weekend together (we live an hour away from each other so seeing each other during the week is almost impossible). We get along with each other's kids. I'm spending much of Xmas break with him, and am in fact in his bed atm while he's at work. We don't have tons in common, but we get along, rarely fight, enjoy our time together, and our values mesh. I'm in love with him.

The problem? He's not in love with me back. But to back up a bit.... at the beginning of our relationship, J still had feelings for his past girlfriend. I didn't really know how much at the time, but several months ago he confessed all and things changed. We got closer, he got alot more committed to our relationship. I know because of this, he hasn't had as much time to fall in love with me because for the first half of our relationship he was still in love with her. But here we are 8 months in, and I'm beginning to think it's not happening. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe alot of things.

At the same time, I know love doesn't happen on a schedule. I know there's no deadline, no way to know what will happen when. And so I just don't know if I'm too impatient, if I should just give things more time to see what happens. Or if I should walk away while I still can.

Thoughts? Anyone else been in love with a partner who didn't love you back? For what it's worth, I know he cares about me, and I know he's totally committed to our relationship. I guess I just want the big LOVE. I'm so confused; I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to settle either. Anyone have some perspective to offer me?

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I don't have any advice. I really don't know much. So I will just give you warm and sympathetic hugs.

*hugs*

 

[cloudy]

Is he worth waiting for? If the answer is "yes," then I would give it some more time, since you say he's committed to the relationship.

From my POV, if he's that committed, he sees the possibility of reciprocating your love in the future. Four months really isn't very long.

 

[sophia jane]

Is he worth waiting for? If the answer is "yes," then I would give it some more time, since you say he's committed to the relationship.

From my POV, if he's that committed, he sees the possibility of reciprocating your love in the future. Four months really isn't very long.

8 months, actually. And I guess that's a question, too- when is too long to wait? Is there some magic deadline?

 

[impressive]

I'm sorry it's not what you want it to be. I'm very familiar with that unrequited longing. However, it's not settling to enjoy the best of what you have and leave your options open for the "paradise in the next hello."

Who knows? That paradise might sneak up on you when you're not looking.

All the best to you, SJ.

 

[cloudy]

8 months, actually. And I guess that's a question, too- when is too long to wait? Is there some magic deadline?

Yes, but you said that he was in love with his ex for the first half, right? So that's only four months that he's been focused on you. Not very long, really.

No, there's no deadline. That's something that's uniquely yours.

I know we all grow up wanting "true love," and feel that our prince is out there, and one day he's going to just be there, and everything will be perfect. I don't believe it ever works that way. Love takes work, from both sides.

I still would advise you to give it more time, but it's your relationship, and you need to decide if it's worth waiting and working for.

 

[rgraham666]

Take heart, sj. There's still hope. As cloudy pointed out eight months isn't that long. Enjoy what you've got. There's no need to beg questions of the future.

Seriously, hold on to that hope. For some reason the women I've been falling in love with over the past few years there was never any hope for our relationships. It caused me a lot of pain. As long as there's hope the rest is attainable.

 

[vella_ms]

I'm sorry it's not what you want it to be. I'm very familiar with that unrequited longing. However, it's not settling to enjoy the best of what you have and leave your options open for the "paradise in the next hello."

Who knows? That paradise might sneak up on you when you're not looking.

All the best to you, SJ.

I don't believe you can possibly obtain a more perfect answer.

i also wish i didn't know what you were talking about.
but
i do.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Has he said he doesn't love you or is this just the impression you have? Some people are really terrified to say it until they're absolutely sure. I'm personally not the kind of person who says it lightly. I think it took hubby and I nearly three years to start saying it. I guess I never pressured him to say it because I was afraid myself. So, when he finally said it, I knew he meant it. I think if you're happy and it's working for you, you shouldn't worry about it. Over-thinking it or demanding an answer will cause problems. If he's showing you how he cares for you, I believe that's a lot more important than saying it.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

I need advice. Or opinions. Or sympathy. Or something.

So, here's the situation. The boyfriend (we'll call me J.) and I have been together for a little over 8 months. We spend every weekend together (we live an hour away from each other so seeing each other during the week is almost impossible). We get along with each other's kids. I'm spending much of Xmas break with him, and am in fact in his bed atm while he's at work. We don't have tons in common, but we get along, rarely fight, enjoy our time together, and our values mesh. I'm in love with him.

The problem? He's not in love with me back. But to back up a bit.... at the beginning of our relationship, J still had feelings for his past girlfriend. I didn't really know how much at the time, but several months ago he confessed all and things changed. We got closer, he got alot more committed to our relationship. I know because of this, he hasn't had as much time to fall in love with me because for the first half of our relationship he was still in love with her. But here we are 8 months in, and I'm beginning to think it's not happening. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe alot of things.

At the same time, I know love doesn't happen on a schedule. I know there's no deadline, no way to know what will happen when. And so I just don't know if I'm too impatient, if I should just give things more time to see what happens. Or if I should walk away while I still can.

Thoughts? Anyone else been in love with a partner who didn't love you back? For what it's worth, I know he cares about me, and I know he's totally committed to our relationship. I guess I just want the big LOVE. I'm so confused; I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to settle either. Anyone have some perspective to offer me?

First I need to give you this .

I think that if you listen to your own instincts they will tell you what you need to do. Are you resisting what you already know to be true? Only you can know for sure. Just quiet things down for a few moments and listen to what is in your heart.

Then when you feel like you have the answer, talk to him from a place of honesty and hopefully he will tell you what is in his heart too. You can go from there.

With Respect.

LG

 

[NoJo]

So maybe he doesn't love you back -- personally I think requited love is as rare as simultaneous orgasms

 

[Guest]

I need advice. Or opinions. Or sympathy. Or something.

So, here's the situation. The boyfriend (we'll call me J.) and I have been together for a little over 8 months. We spend every weekend together (we live an hour away from each other so seeing each other during the week is almost impossible). We get along with each other's kids. I'm spending much of Xmas break with him, and am in fact in his bed atm while he's at work. We don't have tons in common, but we get along, rarely fight, enjoy our time together, and our values mesh. I'm in love with him.

The problem? He's not in love with me back. But to back up a bit.... at the beginning of our relationship, J still had feelings for his past girlfriend. I didn't really know how much at the time, but several months ago he confessed all and things changed. We got closer, he got alot more committed to our relationship. I know because of this, he hasn't had as much time to fall in love with me because for the first half of our relationship he was still in love with her. But here we are 8 months in, and I'm beginning to think it's not happening. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe alot of things.

At the same time, I know love doesn't happen on a schedule. I know there's no deadline, no way to know what will happen when. And so I just don't know if I'm too impatient, if I should just give things more time to see what happens. Or if I should walk away while I still can.

Thoughts? Anyone else been in love with a partner who didn't love you back? For what it's worth, I know he cares about me, and I know he's totally committed to our relationship. I guess I just want the big LOVE. I'm so confused; I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to settle either. Anyone have some perspective to offer me?

The man that until recently I was involved with was in love with the women that had been with before me. He told me that he was in love with her and that he cared about me. Eventually at some point this hurt me.. I know that I am the queen of second, third, twelfth, hundredth chances but It got to me and finally killed the in love for me part as I realized that in a way I was his rebound and it didn't matter that we had been together for a year, it didn't matter that I poured myself into making a life for us together and truly didn't matter that I was having his child. He would ALWAYS be in love with her and if I had paid attention I would have known it and not just ignored the fact. He did the same thing that your man is/was doing... cares about you but is not in love with you because he is in love with her.

This might sound harsh and I will probably catch hell for this however here it is....
Leave.
Be friends if you like but go.
You are his rebound.
You are the one fixing him so that he can get on with his life.

I know it sounds ugly.... but I know what hell this truly is. You and he are wonderful together and you are good friends and he truly CARES about you.... but he doesn't love you and is not in love with you... do you truly want to wait around until he stumbles over the woman he will be in love with next.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

First of all, love isnt an event or a thing; its a process like cooking or building a house is a process. And its pointless to keep asking ARE WE THERE YET?

Relationships perform a few basic tasks: They provide coitus, companionship, children, confidante, and a co-conspirator. The 5 C's.

Do you get the essential nutrients and vitamins from this guy? Is someone better close at hand, and available, and like-minded?

 

[midwestyankee]

I believe that love shows in our actions and that it's not contained in feelings at all. Sure, the actions of love provoke some really good feelings, but love is in what you do and not in what you say.

Does he act like he loves you? Does he do things of his own volition that improve your life, that help make you into a better person? Does he sacrifice for you?

And then, how do you react when he does these things, assuming that he does some?

As Impressive said, the answer is probably in your heart already if you'll just listen quietly.

 

[sophia jane]

Thanks so much for your responses; I had hoped hearing some other perspectives would help me clarify my own. And they did.

As Cloudy said, it hasn't been that long in our relationship that he's been "free" to focus on me, and I've kept that in mind, but I suppose as the new year has been approaching, I've been more and more worried that I was being foolish, giving too much or waiting too long or whatever.
Scarlett- I'm particularly grateful for what you said. It's easy for me to express how I feel to the people I care about, and I forget that it isn't that way for everyone. He does have difficulty expressing his feelings, and for various reasons, he's very guarded in opening himself up. I'm glad to be reminded that he's not alone in that.

We like to say around our house that love is an action verb, and for almost our whole relationship, the people who have seen us together have insisted that he loves me because he acts like he does. He makes sacrifices for me and my kids, he's (mostly) considerate of my feelings; he's changed in some ways for me. In short, everything about the way he treats me is what I want. The relationship is what I want. Except for the l word. I think I've put too much emphasis on that.

And I think it's actually because of what Elizabeth said- I've been second, or third, or whatever before. I've allowed myself to be treated as less before, and I'm terrified I'm doing it again out of habit. I'm terrified I'm waiting too long, that it'll never happen because I don't value myself enough. And a big part of me has just been waiting for a reason to leave.

But the more I think about it, and the more I think about you've said (all of you), the more I think about what he's said- I don't think it's fair to bail out yet. I like answers and plans and knowing things, but it isn't smart to miss out on this relationship because I'm such a fucking worrywart. When I'm with him, I feel at peace, settled. He makes me laugh. So what if it's not perfect and planned and he doesn't say I love you, too. I'm happy.

So anyway, thanks. Bazillions. But feel free to keep commenting.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

I agree with what most everyone else said. Give it some more time. Some people fall head over heels quickly. Others don't. You can't really put a time limit on such things. They say it's really best to be friends first, so maybe it's for the better that he's not quite to the "in love" part yet. Considering what you've said about him, he seems to be a good man who is finding his way. I'd give him time to do that.

 

[3113]

Challenges

I haven't been in your situation, at least not from that side, but I did watch a friend lose one girlfriend he almost married, then connect with a really awesome woman. He admitted to this awesome woman that he was still in love with the last girl and just couldn't get over her. She left him, went on to get happily married herself. He went off to marry someone...well, a lot less awesome.

Now here's the important thing: the first girl and the one he married were both *very* high maintenance, and not as smart as he was. The one he finally married also had very low self-esteem and was very introverted, not good with his friends. The awesome girl, by compare, was...awesome! Low maintenance, independent, not demanding, ready to partner him through thick and thin, able to be social and enjoy his friends, and, yes, smart.

You see, I think, where this is going. He was scared of the awesome girl. Scared because she didn't need him (per se), wouldn't rely on him, was, in short, his equal. In fact, beyond his equal in some ways, in that she was extroverted and he was introverted. She would have challenged him to get out and be more. And she was certainly beautiful enough to attract other men. I wonder sometimes, now, as my friend deals with a wife he often argues with, whose massive insecurities lead to a lot of demands and recriminations, if he sometimes thinks on what he might have had and what he lost. Or maybe he doesn't wonder. There are men who go for less than they deserve in an attempt to assure they always feel like their girlfriend's knight-in-shining-armor. Others see a higher bar as a challenge, one they're determined to meet. They still want to be the knight-in-shining armor, but they don't find the feeling worth it if it's too easy.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I think a great deal of your decision rests on what the other girl was like and why they broke up. Why did he love her? To be sure that he can love you, you don't need to know what you bring to the table. Rather, you need to know that you offer the right sort of challenge, one he'll relish rather than fear.

Does that make sense?

 

[Guest]

I

You see, I think, where this is going. He was scared of the awesome girl. Scared because she didn't need him (per se), wouldn't rely on him, was, in short, his equal. In fact, beyond his equal in some ways, in that she was extroverted and he was introverted. She would have challenged him to get out and be more. And she was certainly beautiful enough to attract other men. I wonder sometimes, now, as my friend deals with a wife he often argues with, whose massive insecurities lead to a lot of demands and recriminations, if he sometimes thinks on what he might have had and what he lost. Or maybe he doesn't wonder. There are men who go for less than they deserve in an attempt to assure they always feel like their girlfriend's knight-in-shining-armor. Others see a higher bar as a challenge, one they're determined to meet. They still want to be the knight-in-shining armor, but they don't find the feeling worth it if it's too easy.

I have hears this before.... from my ex. He used to tell me that I was too good for him that he didn't know what I could possibly what with him. Something he said early on was tossed back at me so many times it hurt hearing it "I want a woman that needs a man and you don't need a man"

I will never forget how that made me feel.....

but ya know what... I finally found and answer to that statement

"Funny that you say that... see I have always wanted a man, but I want one that understands how strong I am and how independent I am... but I want him to BE there because everytime I have truly wanted a man there or truly NEEDED a man there they have been off doing something else... so by learning the lesson of well if when I need him he is going to not be there I simply stop needing"

 

[voluptuary_manque]

The first time Hot Mama had to go off to some sort of seminar or something for the lab, I kissed her good-by and, for the next few days, made sure that the house was running, the kids were clean and fed, etc. When she got home, all the clothes were clean, likewise the dishes and the house was as straight as you could expect from two children and assorted pets. She was somewhat upset. The place wasn't a wreck. It was like I 'didn't need' her. That got on my last nerve. I wasn't angry but I quite firmly told her that if I wanted a maid, I could hire one. There are needs and there are needs. The subject has never come up since.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

There's no advice except let it go and see what it will become. The answer will reveal itself in time.

Be true and open to yourself. You'll know what's right.

 

[3113]

I have hears this before.... from my ex. He used to tell me that I was too good for him that he didn't know what I could possibly what with him. Something he said early on was tossed back at me so many times it hurt hearing it "I want a woman that needs a man and you don't need a man"

Sorry you had that kind of guy who made such an excuse. And it was an excuse.

I know another guy who married a woman who, again, isn't his equal. But she's sweet and they share interests, and she certainly allows him to feel like he's always needed and like a man. I don't begrudge him this relationship. Man or woman, we all need what we need in a partner. And if that means someone who makes us feel smart rather than challenging our smarts or someone who has to feel needed all the time compared to someone who wants an independent partner, then so be it. That is what they need.

The important thing to know is what your partner needs and what you need, and to bow out of relationships where those needs are never going to be satisfied.

Or stick with relationships where they are going to be satisfied, as soon as your partner has time to realize it. Like I said, I've been on the other side. And rather than lose that partner who was satisfying my needs, I had to come to that realization. Sometimes you don't know it's love until you see the possibility of it going away.

Which I think, perhaps, is the best advice for you Sophia Jane. You ask "how long should I wait?" That's not up to him, it's up to you. What future do you want for you and your children? How long can you stay with this guy before you have to give up on him because he isn't giving you what you need, and you have no more time to stay and wait for it? Set a date for yourself. And when the time comes, say to him, "I think you're getting what you need, but this is what I need. If you can't give it to me, that's okay. But I can't waste any more time with you. I need to go out and find it."

That will be his last chance to realize that he really does love you--or not. I sure hope it all works out for you. Stay strong and try to stay happy.

 

[sophia jane]

There's no advice except let it go and see what it will become. The answer will reveal itself in time.

Be true and open to yourself. You'll know what's right.

A little threadjack to tell you that I love you. How's life?

And on to the topic- 3- I get what you mean, and it's something I'll have to think about. I know I am very different (as is our relationship) from the woman he was in love with. Something to consider.

I feel so much better having said all this to you all and having gotten such good responses. I've been very much afraid that I'm being foolish. It's hard for me to trust my heart, to trust that things will happen as they will without me planning every second. What can I say? I'm a true Virgo.

I love you all.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I'm not even sure the "big love" exists. There is no love that doesn't have doubt, hesitation and longing for something we don't have. We're imperfect people, and love is not perfect. All we can do is be happy now.

 

[3113]

I'm not even sure the "big love" exists. There is no love that doesn't have doubt, hesitation and longing for something we don't have. We're imperfect people, and love is not perfect. All we can do is be happy now.

[theadjack]Carson! Where have you been hiding?[/threadjack]