Losing a Dom

[blackfire87]

My partner and I were together 17 months, and recently we have split up(Not my choice). I'm stuck with the feeling of no one ever matching up to what he did for and to me. We clicked in a way that made everything so easy, and ever man or woman I end up with will be under that same level. He was able to Master me so easily, it felt right giving into him as I did, allowing him to be my Dom and take control of us in the bedroom. I don't quite know how to give another Dom a chance, knowing they'll be unfairly judged based upon how wonderful he and I clicked. He knew just when to take it to the next level, how hard to hit, when to pull back, how to tie me up so I couldn't escape just to be playfully spiteful. How do I do this when I simply crave his touch? I hope this is okay to post this here.. Hell several of you saw many of the posts about him and I I have done..

 

[SpiritRider]

My personal opinion, quit thinking about the next Dom and take some time for yourself. Reflect, talk to people, read a book...anything but worrying about how someone else might compare.

 

[seela]

I think your feelings are what anyone would expect to feel after a break up they didn't want. And even more so, if this was your first longer (D/s) relationship. You feel like you can never get over him, but most likely you can.

Take your time, do what feels good, but don't wallow for ages and ages. Keep the good memories, learn from the mistakes made, and stop thinking that no one can ever measure up to him.

But yeah, it might be best to concentrate on other things while you're still clearly missing him a lot. You don't have to jump into a new relationship of anykind until you're ready and feel like you've met someone great. Do things you enjoy doing, do things just for yourself. And remeber, different doesn't necessarily mean bad or worse. It's just different.

 

[desertslave]

A third voice, here, for taking a deep breath and regrouping first. You're in mourning for the loss of your relationship, which is perfectly normal.

When you do meet someone else, allow him to be himself. No, he probably won't be just like your past dom--but he doesn't have to be. His style might be different, his personality, etc, but that's okay! Be open to new and different, and enjoy what he has to offer you. Believe in the probability that, with time, he will be able to understand and read you, too. Give yourself, and give that possible him, the time you both deserve.

 

[subwannabe]

All good advice so far. My advice is, after regrouping, try something different. I think people often make a mistake by wanting a strict Dom/Sub relationship where after a while it comes to an end, you have an empty feeling, and then go right back to the same thing all over again, never attaining a lifelong relationship. Of course that can happen in normal relationships too but with strictly Dom/Sub relationships you very rarely find your life partner (that actually lasts for life). Try dating "normal" men who might have an inclination to being your master. If it doesn't look like it's going in that direction then find another and another until you hit on a lifelong partner who can not only offer you love but be your master too! For some reason people just can't believe they can find a lifelong partner to marry who can be their master at the same time. It can happen but you have to give it a chance. Look for a lifelong partner, not just a Dom. Be greedy and want both!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I am sorry that you are struggling with heartache, that is tough stuff no matter the circumstance.

I am probably not the best to offer advice on this topic as I struggle with it a lot, but I will share my thoughts anyways. Maybe consider that sometimes the best thing for the bruised (submissive or not) heart is to simply surrender to singleDom. Date yourself. Spoil yourself. Just breathe a little that while it is not ideal to be alone, you really are OK. Treat the wounds of rejection with reconnecting to what made you and makes you desirable and worthy. Take time to understand the voids his absence has left behind, and what you really will need going forward. Let the salve of time feed you some perspective on the bigger picture of why it couldn't work... or maybe why it was wonderful, but wouldn't work anymore. You probably don't want to bring your ex into your new relationship because that kinda poly is not likely to work out either, so allow yourself to leave him in your past. Take your time and trust you will know when you are ready for something new.

Take really good care of yourself in the mean time! It just makes sense to in general, and at the very least, even on your lowest days, you can trust that your Mr. Future would want you to, wouldn't he?

My best wishes to you as you work through it all & a big hug.

 

[blackfire87]

Thanks everyone. Since I posted this I've been pushing forward. I recently started a second job, and I said fuck it, I am going to try something new, things I've never done. I did turn to craigslist, and was just browsing through the ads in boredom. I met a Dom, and after some personal struggle I went and I met him and I had one of the best times I've had. I dealt with my own issues(everyone I have slept with, I have been in a serious relationship with-2 guys and 2 girls). This was a casual NSA encounter, he did everything to make me feel comfortable(sealed drinks, just chatting for a bit), then took a shower with me to help me relax. I am a sexually free person, and as I've stated I feel like a sexual addict, he released a few months of built up sexual tension and grief and he took the time to hold me. Since then he has become a great friend, and is helping me explore more things I didn't know. I have refused his offer to be collared but only due to my fear of commitment and I find I am truly enjoying myself. The loss of my ex is still there, still hurts, but I'm trying nonetheless to not drown in that loss.Thank you to everyone who offered kind words and all of your advice was helpful