Looking for story feedback: The Healing/Peaches & Cream

[scorpiosting]

Hi I have two stories that I posted in June. A few people were kid enough to provide feedback.

If you are new to this site and have not read these stories yet I am looking for constructive feedback.

I am especially interested in hearing from people who are editors or have been writing for some time.

Thanks
Scorpiosting

The Healing Part 1
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=98228

Peachs and Cream
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=93821

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Whoa. You have some very heavy and espressive prose there, but I think the language gets in the way of the story. I really couldn't tell what was happening for all the language. For that reason I couldn't really read more than the first half page or so.

You start out with someone remembering the first time their eyes met, how he knew all this stuff about her and her father and all. How in the world did he see all this stuff in her eyes? He might have seen that she was hurt or sad or something, but to see details of her life? Think about i: how much can you see in someone's eyes?

A couple of paragraphs down he's remembering something else: about the first time it all came together or something. He's playing poker with their friends and she's stirring gravy in the kitchen. (Not a very sexy image in my mind, but to each his own) They're part of the same circle of friends but this is the first time he's noticed her? What's going on here?

It seems to me like you get taken up with these cliches without thinking about what they really mean, then all this language and imagery comes pouring out making it very difficult to understand what's going on.

You do have a gift for language and you write with a tone of pure passion, but you've got to control it and concentrate on what you're trying to say. It almost seems like the language is controlling you.

An editor could help a lot, because this really needs a close, line by line reading to disentangle it and tease apart what's going on. There are some places--the paragraph describing her hair, for example--where the subject of the sentence gets mixed up to the extent that I couldn'd tell if she were sitting on her hair or her breasts or what.

Here: I copied a short paragraph from the beginning just for an example of the kinds of things I see that need work:
---------------------------------

"How did two lost lonely souls, who could never trust, never reveal our true selves and speak like a normal man and woman sit in silence, and not act upon our desires, our animalistic nature to reach out and consume each others soul? Was it coincidence or fate which brought us together? I don’t think that we were ever meant to know."

-----------------------------------
"...never trust, never reveal our true selves and speak like a normal man and woman sit in silence..."
This is very hard to understand. I think I would instinctively change it to "...or speak..." because the parallelism isn't clear. In any case, the subject of the sentence (Two lost & lonely souls) is so far from the predicate ("...sit in silence...") that we're pretty befuddled by the time we get there. I had to read that sentence 2-3 times before I could tease it apart.
(BTW, it should be " ...each other's soul." Possessive form on "other". Minor point.)

What bothers me more than the awkward sentence is what happens when we try and figure out what the paragraph means. I know what you're trying to say, but I don't think that's what comes out. I think you're trying to say that it's so amazing that you two damaged and inexpressive people are sitting here dying to burn each other up with passion.

But here's what you really say:

You two are both lost and lonely souls. You can neither trust nor reveal your true selves. You can't speak like a normal man and woman. So how is it that you can sit in silence and not consume each other in your passion?

See? What does one thing have to do with another? If you can't reveal your true natures, then what's so remarkable about your not being able to concume each other with passion? It's not remarkable at all. You're two very closed and private people. Why should you be all over each other?

This is writing from cliche. It's saying things that sound good--and they do sound good, full of passion and anguish--but when you really look at them they don't mean anything, not really. Ot at least, not what you probably thought they did when you wrote them.

The last two sentences in the paragraph seem like harmless enough cliche, but again, really pay some attention to what you're saying: was it fate or was it coincidence? Whats the difference? Obviously you think it was fate, planned by some Power Out There. Who else could "keep you from ever knowing"?

And what does the way you met have to do with the original question of how you can sit and keep your hands off each other? It's really an entirely different topic.

I know, that sounds very nit-picky at the end, but you've got to watch what you're saying and always make sure that it means something and that it's true. Otherwise it's just filler.

You have a very poetic ear. You love language, the sound, the feel of it. I can tell. The problem is, I think, that the words seduce you, they take you over, and after awhile they start doing what they want. <laughs> I know. It's the damndest thing, but it happens to me all the time.

Keep it up. Put in a drawer for a week and let it cool off, then read it over or have someone else read it for you and I'll bet it will be quite good.


---dr.M.