Looking for some poetry feedback

[rikaaim]

I'm never sure if I can post a poem in progress here for feedback or not. So, I will and hope the beatings come quick, and often.

Honestly, I wrote this at lunch, and only jotted it down, so I'm looking for any critique/tips on how to improve it. I think the base idea is clear, but I'd really like any thoughts and suggestions on how to make it shine. Thanks in advance. Also, if I'm not really supposed to do this here, you can tell me to fuck off, at which point I'll find the first willing partner, a solatiare coner, and throw away the clock.

Superman?

I am not your Superman
Even though you think I am.

I can not bear your weight
or blow away all your troubles.

Bound in reality far too strong
I can no whisk you away to a fortress
of solitude, isolation, peace.

I can not see through your jaded shell
to witness the real you beneath.

I can not hear your cries of help
if you do not call out to me.

I can not calm your fears if you do not reveal to me.

I am not made of steel
able to withstand nature's hellish force.

I am not fast enough to slow down time
and extend moments far too fleeting.

No.

I am not your Superman.

I am just Clark Kent.






Any thoughts and suggestions positive or constructive is more than welcome. Thank you.

 

[WickedEve]

Have you read "list" poems? You know the ones that just list one word after another, or one phrase after another.

Like:
You are my desire.
Burning fire.
My passion.
My heart's desire.

and on and on with one cliche after another.

Well, this poem kind of has that list feel because of all the "I can not. I am not." lines in it. I think this particular poem may read better if it was less rigid. All those can nots and am nots make it less poetic. I do understand what you're trying to say, and I understand that this is a work in progress, and I'm sure it will be just fine once you get to the final revision. I'm just giving you my first impression.

Also, (I hate to use this line again) it's a tell and not show kind of poem. You're telling me a lot but I'm not really feeling it or seeing it. Blow away what troubles? Why is she or he crying out for help? It might be nice to have a bit of a story here so I can relate.

Okay, that's the best I can do today. My brain has been fried in the VA heat. lol

 

[WickedEve]

One more thing. Here's something you can do for starters. Get rid of the first strophe and change the title. And drop the next to last line. It will have more impact if you don't tell the reader you're talking about superman. The reader will figure it out.


I can not bear your weight
or blow away all your troubles.

Bound in reality far too strong
I can no whisk you away to a fortress
of solitude, isolation, peace.

I can not see through your jaded shell
to witness the real you beneath.

I can not hear your cries of help
if you do not call out to me.

I can not calm your fears if you do not reveal to me.

I am not made of steel
able to withstand nature's hellish force.

I am not fast enough to slow down time
and extend moments far too fleeting.

I am just Clark Kent.

 

[rikaaim]

Thank you much for the advice.

I've never really considered myself a poet, more of a player of words. I am a very rigid person. Always tense, strict, proper.

I have that feel. I'm actually coming here to try and learn what it means to be a poet. So, your initial reponses have giving me much to think about. I get what you're saying. I'm also always worried about telling too much and not showing. It's nice to have the confirmation that my instincts are right. Now, if I only knew how to fix it.

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you much for the advice.

I've never really considered myself a poet, more of a player of words. I am a very rigid person. Always tense, strict, proper.

I have that feel. I'm actually coming here to try and learn what it means to be a poet. So, your initial reponses have giving me much to think about. I get what you're saying. I'm also always worried about telling too much and not showing. It's nice to have the confirmation that my instincts are right. Now, if I only knew how to fix it.

I don't think you should "fix" this poem. You should try writing about the same idea in different ways. We had an exercise here before that may help you out. Look around in your own space and pick out something like a table or a window. Write about it. Describe it. Let the reader see how the light hits the table in the morning. That sort of thing. Then you're suppose to write another poem about the same table or whatever you choose. You do this once a day for 4 or 5 days. Make each poem different. Try to approach it differently. Use different words. Find new ways to describe the table. Personally, I'd do it all in one day. I'm not sure if you gain anything by waiting a day.
Another great exercise is poetry taboo. Pick a topic and then give yourself a list of taboo words (cliche words). Then you write a poem and you better not use any of the words on the list. This is very challenging and it helps a novice poet get rid of the lazy habit of using phrases that they hear over and over again. It helps the poet write more original poems.

 

[rikaaim]

I don't think you should "fix" this poem. You should try writing about the same idea in different ways. We had an exercise here before that may help you out. Look around in your own space and pick out something like a table or a window. Write about it. Describe it. Let the reader see how the light hits the table in the morning. That sort of thing. Then you're suppose to write another poem about the same table or whatever you choose. You do this once a day for 4 or 5 days. Make each poem different. Try to approach it differently. Use different words. Find new ways to describe the table. Personally, I'd do it all in one day. I'm not sure if you gain anything by waiting a day.
Another great exercise is poetry taboo. Pick a topic and then give yourself a list of taboo words (cliche words). Then you write a poem and you better not use any of the words on the list. This is very challenging and it helps a novice poet get rid of the lazy habit of using phrases that they hear over and over again. It helps the poet write more original poems.

Thanks again for helping. Both ideas given are ones that I would not have thought of. That's why it's great to come to a place where so many creative minds can colaborate.

As for me, I think a great personal exercise would be to write a poem, or short story, in a far less formal voice. I was always taught essay style writing and it's really hindering my creative style writing.

 

[Reltne]

Thank you much for the advice.

I've never really considered myself a poet, more of a player of words. I am a very rigid person. Always tense, strict, proper.

I have that feel. I'm actually coming here to try and learn what it means to be a poet. So, your initial reponses have giving me much to think about. I get what you're saying. I'm also always worried about telling too much and not showing. It's nice to have the confirmation that my instincts are right. Now, if I only knew how to fix it.

Since you said that, and working with what Eve started, if this were mine I might by changing it to something like this: [The original words I would change are in red and quotes. My changes are bracketed and blue.]

Bound in reality far too strong
I canno[t] whisk you away
to a fortress of solitude(, isolation,) [and] peace.

I cannot see through your jaded shell
to witness the real you [inside] (beneath).

I cannot hear your cries of help
if you do not call out (to me).

I cannot calm [the] (your) fears [that] (if) you do not reveal (to me).

I am not [a man] (made) of steel
able to withstand [the Hell of] nature's (hellish) force.

I am not fast enough to slow down time
and extend [the fleeting] moments (far too fleeting).

(I am just Clark Kent.)
[I wear glasses
and my name is Clark.]

Then I would put it away on my poetry shelf for awhile until I could come back and read it objectively [as if were someone else's]. - Please note that my suggestions are just that and are of my style and taste. Other poets will certainly suggest alternative changes. It is your poem, so feel free to take any, or all, or none of suggestions made by anyone.
[Save the original. If you continue to write, come back to your early work after a year or two. If you are like most of us, you will laugh and wonder how you could have ever written it!
Poetry takes practice, and more important than writing is reading. I like to say that a new poet should read at least three times as much as s/he writes. - As you progress the ratio will enlarge. ]