Looking for some feedback
- Thread starter Kinkykiff
- Start date
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Hi there, Kinkykiff.
I read "Night Out," and quite like the basic plot you've got there, as well as the way the action plays out. I especially like the opening image, of her feeling the cold plastic sheets as she wakes. It gave me the creepy sexy chills.
Two problems undermined the strength of the story, though. First, there were quite a lot of errors in spelling, grammar, and wrong words. Here's an example from the first paragraph:
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little daze and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened, her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied to the wall in front of her; her legs were ties spread to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her last night she has met that strange man at the club, he has seemed different to all the other guys, dark and mysterious.
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little dazed and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened. Her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied (cuffed AND tied?) to the wall in front of her; her legs were spread, tied to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her: last night she had met that strange man at the club. He had seemed different from all the other guys; dark and mysterious.
Second, I thought the story could have used a bit more detail to help me visualize the scene, and quite a lot more detail during the sex scenes to help me ramp up and believe in the pleasure of the characters.
For example, at the opening of the story, I really couldn't visualize how she was tied to the bed--face up? face down? kneeling? You could fix that and make the opening image stronger just by describing where she feels the cold of the plastic sheets: on her belly and the fronts of her thighs? Against her back and ass?
I think both of these problems can be remedied without too much effort: an editor can help you out with typos and grammar questions, and, if you enjoy writing these stories, you might enjoy spending a little extra time embellishing all the naughty images.
I hope that's a little helpful.
-Varian
I read "Night Out," and quite like the basic plot you've got there, as well as the way the action plays out. I especially like the opening image, of her feeling the cold plastic sheets as she wakes. It gave me the creepy sexy chills.
Two problems undermined the strength of the story, though. First, there were quite a lot of errors in spelling, grammar, and wrong words. Here's an example from the first paragraph:
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little daze and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened, her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied to the wall in front of her; her legs were ties spread to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her last night she has met that strange man at the club, he has seemed different to all the other guys, dark and mysterious.
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little dazed and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened. Her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied (cuffed AND tied?) to the wall in front of her; her legs were spread, tied to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her: last night she had met that strange man at the club. He had seemed different from all the other guys; dark and mysterious.
Second, I thought the story could have used a bit more detail to help me visualize the scene, and quite a lot more detail during the sex scenes to help me ramp up and believe in the pleasure of the characters.
For example, at the opening of the story, I really couldn't visualize how she was tied to the bed--face up? face down? kneeling? You could fix that and make the opening image stronger just by describing where she feels the cold of the plastic sheets: on her belly and the fronts of her thighs? Against her back and ass?
I think both of these problems can be remedied without too much effort: an editor can help you out with typos and grammar questions, and, if you enjoy writing these stories, you might enjoy spending a little extra time embellishing all the naughty images.
I hope that's a little helpful.
-Varian
"Night Out"
In any story in which one of the characters is bound and tied, the writer should take extra care to ensure that the protagonist ties, unties, move knots, adjusts handcuffs and such, whenever he moves the victim, otherwise the entire point of the restraint is lost. In 'Night Out' she begins tied, her hands tied to a wall, her feet spread and tied to bed posts; yet he, without explanation manages to lift her to her knees while pressing the piss from her bladder. Are her arms stretchable or are her knees double jointed?
You have many punctuation errors, primarily in the dialogue, but in other places as well. Read the rules for writing dialogue.
You have many capitalisation errors. A proof reader would easily find these.
You use many different verb tenses within single thoughts.
------------
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little daze and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened, her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied to the wall in front of her; her legs were ties spread to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her last night she has met that strange man at the club, he has seemed different to all the other guys, dark and mysterious.
They had gone back to his place and started to make love he was a good lover, had brought her to orgasm a number of times during the love making, but what was this now, handcuffs, plastic sheets she did not remember any of this. She was desperate for the toilet, she called out."
could as easily be:
She woke, a little dazed and confused, to the feel of cold plastic sheets, not quite sure of where she was or what had happened. Her body ached, she tried moving but found her hands tied to the wall, her legs spread wide and tied to the bedposts.
The evening started coming back to her; at the club she had met a man, different from the rest, dark and mysterious. They had gone together to his flat to make love. She remembered he was a good lover, one who had brought her to orgasm a number of times. What was going on now? Handcuffs? Plastic sheets? She did not remember any of this.
------------------
The story is fine, the topic is fine, the writing makes it a bit less enjoyable than it should be.
In any story in which one of the characters is bound and tied, the writer should take extra care to ensure that the protagonist ties, unties, move knots, adjusts handcuffs and such, whenever he moves the victim, otherwise the entire point of the restraint is lost. In 'Night Out' she begins tied, her hands tied to a wall, her feet spread and tied to bed posts; yet he, without explanation manages to lift her to her knees while pressing the piss from her bladder. Are her arms stretchable or are her knees double jointed?
You have many punctuation errors, primarily in the dialogue, but in other places as well. Read the rules for writing dialogue.
You have many capitalisation errors. A proof reader would easily find these.
You use many different verb tenses within single thoughts.
------------
She could feel the cold plastic sheets below her as she started to awake out of her sleep, a little daze and confused, not quite sure where she was or what had happened, her body ached all over. She tried to move but found her hands were cuffed and tied to the wall in front of her; her legs were ties spread to the posts at the end of the bed. It was starting to come back to her last night she has met that strange man at the club, he has seemed different to all the other guys, dark and mysterious.
They had gone back to his place and started to make love he was a good lover, had brought her to orgasm a number of times during the love making, but what was this now, handcuffs, plastic sheets she did not remember any of this. She was desperate for the toilet, she called out."
could as easily be:
She woke, a little dazed and confused, to the feel of cold plastic sheets, not quite sure of where she was or what had happened. Her body ached, she tried moving but found her hands tied to the wall, her legs spread wide and tied to the bedposts.
The evening started coming back to her; at the club she had met a man, different from the rest, dark and mysterious. They had gone together to his flat to make love. She remembered he was a good lover, one who had brought her to orgasm a number of times. What was going on now? Handcuffs? Plastic sheets? She did not remember any of this.
------------------
The story is fine, the topic is fine, the writing makes it a bit less enjoyable than it should be.
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