Looking for some feedback

[MsJulieDoll]

Hi everyone. This is my first submission so I'm sure I can use some refinements in my writing. I've gotten a few good feedbacks critiquing my work already but I'm hoping for more.

If you wouldn't mind giving my story a read and letting me know what you think, I'd appreciate it.

TIA

MsJulieDoll

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=159003

 

[Varian P]

The link you've included appears to be broken.

 

[MLyons]

Here's a working link to MsJuliedoll's story:

The New Boss

 

[MsJulieDoll]

Here's a working link to MsJuliedoll's story:

The New Boss

Thank you MLyons. I'm not sure what happened to that link.

 

[vargas111]

I have not read it through, but it starts out nicely. I think your giving the brand names of common objects makes it sound like a product palcement. Does it matter if it was a Mobil station?

And both do take quite a bit of time to get dressed. Her's at least shows why she ends up in stockings instead of pantyhose, (too bad all paniyhose dod not sefl diestrcct! <g>) but I did not see why David could not simply appear at the gas station dressed as he was dressed.

More as I read more.

Cheers

 

[vargas111]

Nice story.

I think your giving the brand names of common objects makes it sound like a product palcement. Does it matter if it was a Mobil station?

And both do take quite a bit of time to get dressed. Her's at least shows why she ends up in stockings instead of pantyhose, (too bad all paniyhose dod not sefl distruct! <g>) but I did not see why David could not simply appear at the gas station dressed as he was dressed.

Also, several characters are introduced and then dropped. What was the point of Davind talking to the CEO before he meets Julie? And Jason the poor slesman? And Nancy the overweight secretary? In a short story every word should count.



Cheers

 

[MsJulieDoll]

Nice story.

I think your giving the brand names of common objects makes it sound like a product palcement. Does it matter if it was a Mobil station?

And both do take quite a bit of time to get dressed. Her's at least shows why she ends up in stockings instead of pantyhose, (too bad all paniyhose dod not sefl distruct! <g>) but I did not see why David could not simply appear at the gas station dressed as he was dressed.

Also, several characters are introduced and then dropped. What was the point of Davind talking to the CEO before he meets Julie? And Jason the poor slesman? And Nancy the overweight secretary? In a short story every word should count.



Cheers

Thanks for the comments Vargas. I just thought brands might punch up the reality level I guess. As for getting dressed, I guess it's a visual thing I have, I like to be able to picture exactly what someone looks like.

 

[MarkedMan]

Flash critique!

First sentence: Julie woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing incessantly in her ear.

Drop "the sound of" and "in her ear." We know the buzz of an alarm clock is a sound. We likewise expect that it's going to be detected by an ear.

Try this instead:

Julie woke to the incessant buzz of her alarm clock.


Edited. The typo king strikes again!

 

[ANiceGuy]

Nice interplay

The story had a nice interplay between the charactors. It's hard to shift between two people and pull it off. Sexily done.