Looking for some feedback - please

[HCallahan]

Hello,

I am HCallahan and am getting ready to finish the second installment of my FIRST STORY.
I did not use an editor this time, because I wanted to hack through the issues myself on this one.
I would love to hear what you think of the first part.

It is here:
http://www.literotica.com/s/off-the-rocks-pt-01

Yes, it is in the LW's category. I didn't know where else to put it, as it is a story about a man and wife. There is cheating which bends towards a cuckold relationship, and I got hammered by the commenters. I now know about the trolls in that category and deleted troll comments. I left the rest. I have already done an edit and re-posted it.

I would LOVE any feedback you can give before I post the second installment in the series.

Thank you so much in advance,
-H

 

[PennLady]

It helps to know what kind of feedback you want. Are you talking about mechanics like punctuation, or more fluid things like pacing and character development?

 

[swingerjoe]

A few random comments, in no particular order:

-- The LW category is an open field filled with landmines. If you're looking for positive feedback and/or high ratings on your stories, you won't get them here, as there is literally no way to please everybody. But if you like seeing a lot of comments and ratings, there is no better category to write on this site.

-- Right off the bat, I see you included a warning in your prologue, alerting readers to the content of the story. It's the polite thing to do, and it may have caused some readers to bail on your story entirely, but there are many who will read that and simply skip to the end so that they can call you all sorts of clever names in the comments section. You basically saved them the trouble of reading your story.

-- Your story is written in a very conversational/informal/stream-of-conscious manner that lends itself well to a conversation held at a bar, but doesn't always translate well to literature. I don't mind this style, but others may have knocked you for it.

-- Although I was guilty of it myself when I first began writing stories, I've come to the point where I can't stand stories that include statistics on height, weight, measurements, penis length, bra size, etc., etc.. If you have to describe someone with numbers, you've failed as a writer. Whenever I see numbers, I tend to skim right over those parts of a story.

-- I really enjoyed the words you chose and the way you chose to express some of the actions in your story. It had the vibe of a Quentin Tarantino movie at some points.

-- At the end of the Prologue, I was confused by the words in italics. They almost looked like the notes you made to yourself? Did you include them by mistake, or was that a sort of intentional look into your creative process? Either way, it pulled me right out of the story.

-- The relationship between the narrator and Haylee was never really established, so it didn't really make a lot of sense why he went back to her after he got out of prison, or why he decided he was going to leave her. Was their entire relationship centered around sex and nothing else? As a reader, I really didn't identify or care about any of the characters.

-- I understand where you're going with the story, and IMHO, I think it is a better fit in the Fetish category than LW. This is ultimately a story about a man who enjoys (or soon will enjoy) a submissive role to his Dominant wife, and who gets off on the humiliation. That is a classic Fetish/BDSM storyline, and would be much better received by the readers of those sections.

 

[HCallahan]

Pennlady and Swingerjoe

Thank you both for jumping in on the thread.

Pennlady,
I am looking for a little of both. I re-worked the story completely as it was missing backstory and character development. I am hoping to have drawn the characters out in the minds of the readers, even though they are so different from mainstream characters.

Swingerjoe,
Thank you for the fantastic feedback. I can't believe I left notes for myself in the story. Treats me right for writing late into the night past the point of exhaustion.
I corrected that one immediately and re-submitted.

-H

 

[swingerjoe]

Always, always, ALWAYS re-read your story from beginning to end before you submit it. I re-read mine three times before submitting. You'd be surprised how many mistakes I catch the third time. In fact, even after three reviews, I left a mistake in my last story that now haunts me.

 

[Hypoxia]

Always, always, ALWAYS re-read your story from beginning to end before you submit it. I re-read mine three times before submitting. You'd be surprised how many mistakes I catch the third time. In fact, even after three reviews, I left a mistake in my last story that now haunts me.

Quite right. Re-read carefully, then let it sit for a day or three, and re-read again, changing the type font so it looks different enough that you don't just gloss over the familiar. And even then... one of IMHO my best posted pieces was carefully screened, yet I'm still finding new fuckups. Oh bother.

 

[robertreams]

You need an editor. Having a first person POV is not an excuse for poor writing and usage. Even in first person, your language should be literate. it is okay to have persons speak (dialog) in poor English, but the story should be written in Standard English. You too frequently use the word "just" for example.