Looking for some feedback on my new story

[MaxiJ]

Hi all.... my new story is a little different from my others in it delves into an area I know nothing from experience about. Could you please read and let me know if i captured the right 'attitute' for the storyline? Please if you liked it vote on it for me... or send me an email telling me you liked or disliked....
thanks Jane

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162672

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Actually I don't know anything about the area either, so the fact that I think you did it well and realistically probably doesn't count for much.

He was completely devoid of personality. Now this is part of the submission thing, I know, not treating people as equals, but it stuck out strongly here. So much of their relationship was built on consent and pleasure that I would have liked him to come through in the end.

 

[Varian P]

Hi Maxi,

You've got a fun little story there—concise, full of naughty action, and you've achieved some depth of character development for the narrator. The situation feels fairly realistic, as do the characters.

A few thoughts on specifics in the text:

You oscillate a bit between "you" and "he" when referring to Sir.

I don't think "dress" would be on the to-do list—it would be obvious to the character, and obvious to the reader. The other items make the list an early signpost for your readers which will be a hook for some, and possibly for others a sign saying "turn back now."

I like this:

"My eyes are still closed but I can still feel you nearby. Sitting in the chair watching me. I can hear the subtle changes in your breathing."

I think you have an opportunity missed here:

"My finger slides into my wetness and because I know it would please you. I remove it and bring it to my lips. I suck on my finger removing all the juices that remain."

Clearly the narrator gets something out of this relationship she's not getting out of her marriage, and I suspect it goes beyond merely being told what to do. You are telling us that she is eager and excited for him—show us why, how me makes her feel. How does she feel as she does this thing to please him? A certain revulsion that also excites her? Has she never done it before, and suddenly realizes that tasting herself is an aphrodisiac? And more sensory description, please—how do her hands feel to her, what does she smell and taste?

This is nice and saucy:

"That's it Jane, take more" you say.
I push a little harder and my hole stretches... "Tell me" I hear.
"I am yours. I will always be yours." The plug finds its way in, the last of my words are a moan.

This line, which occurs more than once, I think, is a tad confusing:

I notice the controlled change in your demeanor. I know now how things will progress. And it brings another flood to my pussy.

A flood of what? Wetness? Sensation?

Hmmm…once you get to the fisting, I'm a bit confused as to whether this is part of what they agreed upon, or not. It seems they may have, since she is remembering how he has told her to relax, but I'm cringing a bit at the fear that this is unexpected. Perhaps a line such as " I'd wanted this for so long—I was terrified and unbearably aroused at once," would alleviate my concern that he's crossed a consensual line (unless he has of course).

I am also a little confused about what he's doing with his hand—some of your descriptions suggest it's in a fist inside of her, other that his fingers are extended. I'm just having a hard time visualizing what's going on in there.

I like the tension you create between what she wants and what she feels she's capable of. I think what would go the farthest in making this story really pay off (and this may be purely personal to me, so take it only for what it's worth) would be to help me get inside the narrator's head more—feel what she's experiencing physically and emotionally (as opposed to getting a camera's-eye-view of the action). You've created what could be a very intense encounter, but I'm not quite feeling the power of it—I feel like I'm being told, "This was really intense."

It seems to me you've got a good foundation, and that you have the ability to make it work to its potential.

-Varian

 

[vargas111]

I stopped reading at the suggestion that there would be anal penetration. So un-erotic!

 

[MaxiJ]

thank you thank you

I appreciate all the feedback on my story... i have learned a lot from the constructive comments.

I am sorry for the reader who stopped reading when he/she learned there would be anal penetration..... said it was not erotic... excuse me but to me anal is when i am at my most erotic. but it is not for everyone and everyone has thier opinion....

thanks again to those who replied... Jane