looking for some advice on vocalizing

[call_me_Melody]

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[aussiefan]

you area not foolish

I'm no expert but some of these may help

Do you keep a diary/journal. writing down what you want to say or what's on your mind might make what you want clearer and that might help the words come.

Imagine you aren't talking to your husband but someone who has come to you for advice/help. what would you say to them, take the rough outline of your imagined reply and fine tune it for your husband.

At the end of the day the guy goal is the same same as the movie title... "what women want."

good luck and don't be afraid to talk to him.

 

[Reba67]

I don't necessarily always ask when we're in the heat of the moment, but sometimes in the afterglow I will tell my partner what was really good for me that night or maybe if he might do it a different way next time. Unless something is just NOT working for me on a particular day, I usually just let him explore me however he chooses.

 

[sunandshadow]

Try reading a written passage of 'dirty talk' out loud - perhaps you can get used to saying the words if they are someone else's words so you don't have to take responsibility for them.

 

[water_side]

Some help ?

Hi.

My gf and I had a similar problem (we also enjoyed joking about sex, but that wasn't the same as talking seriously about what we wanted in bed). I eventually braced myself and began to bring up the subject of what we could try, it wasn't easy for us to talk honestly at first, but (over time) we started to explore our desires (some ideas worked and some didn't, but overall it made a big difference.

I would 'test the water' by saying things like:

"I had a really intense/sexy dream about you/us last night...."

"I read in a mag/book, heard on the radio. saw on TV, that......"

After sex: highlighting a thing we did and saying how much it turned me on, then suggesting we could explore it more next time.

Before sex: telling her that 'this' is entirely my treat and I'll do WHATEVER/ANYTHING she wants to do. (sounds a bit corny, yet sometimes the results were a real eye-opener).



I know this isn't much help, but it seemed to work for us (as far as I can remember, In the early discussions, I conentrated on suggesting what 'WE' could try, rather than on what 'I' want. Over time the 'what I want' part became easier for both of us to express).

It may be possible to cure your 'dirty talk' giggling, by masturbating a few times (on your own) and talking dirty to yourself. You never know, it may help to take away some of the giggle reflex.

Good luck.

 

[Tasty_GA_Honey]

Don't worry about feeling foolish!

I don't think that you should feel foolish at all Sunshine!

I remember a time when talking dirty was something that was really a challenge for me and not something that I enjoyed at all. Because my boyfriend was really turned on by dirty talk, I made a valiant effort to work on getting over my fears and have learned to LOVE and appreciate the art.

What I learned was that no matter how foolish or strange I felt like I sounded, he really enjoyed every filthy word that was coming out of my mouth. The lesson learned was that most men really don't care what you say, they are just absolutely turned on by the fact that you are actually saying dirty things. So, sometimes I would secretly be giggling in my head at how silly I thought that I sounded. After a while, it just started to feel more natural and became something that I really enjoy.

Just something that helped me, so I thought that I would share.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Try it in the dark, in his ear, not in heat of moment.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

sometimes in the afterglow I will tell my partner what was really good for me that night or maybe if he might do it a different way next time. Unless something is just NOT working for me on a particular day, I usually just let him explore me however he chooses.

This is really good advice. If you talk about sex in a totally non-sexual setting, it can seem all kinds of weird. If you start raising issues before sex, it may seem as though you're putting him on the spot and making demands. Men are incredibly susceptible to the suggestion that they're not performing optimally and it can really knock their confidence. Regardless of what you'd like to ask for, you should not lose enthusiasm for what you're getting and what he likely believes works for you. If you do that he will feel demoralised and even betrayed - if you give the impression that you haven't been as satisfied by his efforts as you've perhaps pretended to be in order to avoid hurting his feelings.

Basically, if you gently suggest new things post-coitus, after a good session when he feels like Adonis, he (hopefully) won't feel inadequate as a result. You can do this in a positive way. Rather than saying 'you know, A doesn't really do much for me' you can shift his focus by saying something like, 'you know I LOVE making love to you? Well it would be so hot if you wanted to try B or C with me sometime."

Then, you can leave the ball in his court. If he experiments as you'd like, all well and good. If he doesn't, leave it a few sessions and then gently ask him if he'd like to try B or C and if not, why not. Apportioning blame is pointless here so be very careful not to do that unwittingly. He has a perfect right not to be into whatever it is you'd like.

You say moaning and non-verbal direction hasn't worked. Men often need more clear signals but you can still give those signals in the same, non-judgemental spirit and make it clear that you still love him and love sex with him.

I'm making it sound more complicated than it is really. You need to bite the bullet and vocalise things but you can do that in a loving, positive, non-confrontational manner. Once you bite the bullet and open you mouth, you may find yourself wondering why you waited so long.

 

[intheknow]

Hi Melody,

I would focus on the positive. Tell him during the sex what he is doing is driving you crazy. Think of it as a maze...which most men might agree the female anatomy can be. You want to direct him in the right way. By focusing the positive you get what you want and he will be headed in the right direction. As for talking dirty the only way to start that conversation is for one of you to initiate. Why not try texting first, or leaving a sexy note? That way when you see him the ice has been broken. Hope that helps.

 

[call_me_Melody]

Thank you! Not only did you keep me from feeling like an idiot for asking, but these are all great suggestions. I'm going to try some of them and see how it goes.
Thank you!!!!

 

[silverwhisper]

melody, please let us know how it goes?

ed

 

[Palba_Noruda]

giggle

*giggle*

I like a good giggle... It's like you're being tickled by the universe...

*giggle*

 

[watch_me]

I used to be the same way...

I just bit the bullet once and said something, once i started i haven't been able to stop...

for years I'd be thinking all the things that i wanted or wanted to say and never did, the best thing time to tell a guy what you want is while you're doing it not before or after because then they obssess about the fact that that might mean they did something wrong, if you want to ride his big hard cock, tell him that, if you want him to fuck you in the ass tell him, if you wanna suck his cock so you can taste your pussy tell him that...

you just need to do it once and when you see his reaction you'll want to do it more

 

[Sun Tan Guy]

I have been married for 27 years to the same wonderful woman. I can relate to your points as early on I was afraid to talk about things... You just have to send subtle messages and dont be afraid to talk.. It sounds like you have things you want him to do to you but you dont want to mention it? If that is the case.. then let your fingers do the walking..or the talking.. And I agree with the earlier comment about darkness.. go for it babe..

What kind of things are you wanting to discuss with him?
STG

 

[texasace]

Wow... you have received some excellent advise...

The only thing that I might add, is to be carefree and fun about all of your sexual experiences. Don't be up tight... make it fun and laugh. If challenged about something you said, or some instructions you have given your partner... laugh and say... "I am constantly searching for additional ways to make our perfect sex life EVEN BETTER... is it working, Baby?"

 

[DrRamulak]

I tried to search and couldn't find anything to help me with this topic, I hope I don' t get slammed for this.. but maybe someone can help me. If so I'll take the slam

How do I talk to my husband about sex?

I'm really open, he's really open, I just can't make myself verbalize things and guiding and moaning only get me so far. He's not getting it and I can't seem to bring myself to say any of it to him. It's so frustrating!!!! It isn't a trust issue..I don't know what it is.

Someone has to have some advice and I really am looking forward to hearing what it might be.

(Feeling foolish... I'm a longtime lurker and finally decided that I needed to post because I just can't get past this!)

Sadly, the fear of getting slammed for a completely legitimate question is realistic.

But you are not foolish.

You just need some coaching/advice on how to open the door.

From many environments of communication, most of them non-sexual, I will say this: talk to encourage. More of that! Yes, touch that! Fuck yes! Don't fucking stop or else!

And do not for a second hesitate to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. If he's rubbing your clit with his cock, but it doesn't feel right, grab it and do it yourself. If you're fucking and his rhythm feels wrong, get on top and take control!!!

Never, ever try to open the door with a negative comment. And you may find that your positive comments give you the confidence to say even more. If you get a negative response for positive comments, you are dealing with a person with fucked up values.

No partner worthy of your time would object to being told "yes, more".

You may simply be afraid of being embarrassed by saying something like "yes, fuck, fuck me, fuck me harder!!!". That's a tough thing for a lot of women. But god help us the good guys get decade-long hard-ons from hearing that.

If you have some specific reason to think that your guy would freak at your sincere expression of sexual desire, then you need to think about whether this guy's values are simply incompatible with your own.

Otherwise give him a chance - many guys are as nervous about it as you might be. And the good ones will be fucking thrilled to have you express desire.

 

[jenniferbaby]

Interestingly, online and phone sex have helped me get comfortable talking about sex. Since you don't have the physical component, the verbal component becomes more prominent and more important. I feel extremely comfortable talking about what I like, how I feel, and what I'm doing because that's really all you can do when the person is not physically with you. Words (and sounds and moans) are really all you have to titilate the other person, so you have to develop a comfort using words to express yourself.

As for the original question, find some way to ease yourself into it. For me, it was online sex. For someone else, it might be reading more erotica and getting used to erotic vocabulary. I like DrRamulak's idea of using positive reinforcement. In any event, take some time to investigate why you feel uncomfortable talking about it. Things are rarely what they seem on the surface. Good luck.

 

[gregg4]

simple, start with something "close"
like i love those jeans,
love how they caress your ass
blah blah, on and on
do it everyday
one day you;ll find it acceptable and i think all men like woment to dirty talk,
eventually you'll find your self reaching and saying something more like
i love those jeans and how they caress your ass cheeks , but I"D rather caress your ass cheeks while you fuck my mouth!!!
bet after that you'll be sayin a lot more!!!