looking for public feedback

[SusInColorado]

Hi all! Just had my first story approved here and as any feedback is welcome/appreciated, I am interested in some feedback from a literary point of view. The fact that many people have said "hey good stuff, got my rocks off" and whatnot is what prompted me to submit my stories, so any other kind of feedback now that Im here would be awesome! Thank you!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=275943

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Nice descriptions

You have good descriptions in this story, but it's only one act. I'm not sure which act it is, possibly the third, but you need two more acts to make this a well-rounded story.

flash

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You write well. Now write something good.

What I mean is, your style is very nice and capable, but your subject is kind of bland. I get the impression of someone who’s just idly writing down their sexual fantasies, and fantasies are nice, but they’re not really “literary”. They don’t teach us anything new, or show us anything we haven’t seen before. It seems to me you have the ability to write something inhgerently more interesting and maybe insightful. The reason that you’re getting reactions like “I got my rocks off” is that basically, what else is there to say? That we loved your characters? We found your plot compelling? We were on the edge of our seats wondering what would happen?

I read both, and I liked the older one better. I have a prejudice against stories told in second-person (“I/you”). It’s the voice that amateurs use and it’s irritating to read after awhile. My advice would be to avoid it. I noticed too that in the Chatroom story you started out in third person, then switched to second person. Odd.

The use of second person and present tense trivializes the stories, in my view, because they make them seem like transcribed daydreams. Daydreams may be erotic, but they’re usually not very interesting. I’m not saying that you have to get out the whips and chains, but this is Literotica, and you’ve got to ask yourself what it is about your story that makes it different from the other 200,000 or so pieces of fiction here: why should readers choose yours rather than someone else’s? I don’t know how interested you are in pursuing writing, but if you are serious, you have to start developing your own unique take on sex. Your stories are very nice, but they’re very generic too.

Minor point: You should watch out for switiching verb tense in your stories. Look:

Her head was rolling side to side; gasping, moaning, begging him to fuck her harder; to make her cum. He fucks her harder, his sweat dripping onto her breasts and chest.

Past tense and then present tense. Should be “Her head rolls…” or “Her head is rolling…”

Also, you’ve got some sentence fragments in there that probably should have been attached to previous sentences. Again, nothing major, but something to watch.

Overall the writing is pretty near flawless. Trouble is, I’d really rather see some more originality and risk-taking, even at the risk of stumbling or making errors. With a little more thought and effort, I think you’re capable of some really good stuff.

---dr.M.