Looking for Peaches and Cream Feedback

[scorpiosting]

Hi I just joined this site a few days ago. I submitted my first story ever. I am looking for constructive criticism for this story.

When I posted the story I forgot to take off the last two paragraphs as this is still a work in progess.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=93821

Thanks in advance for good, bad, ugly feedback

*Scorpiosting*

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

When I posted the story I forgot to take off the last two paragraphs as this is still a work in progess.

So, are you telling us you posted an unfinished story?

I think your writing style is good, but you could do with some editorial assistance. I get the impression that, if you had taken the time to re-read the story with a critical eye, you may well have picked up most of the problems.

For example, second paragraph, last sentence:

First to the clock on the wall 15 minutes to go, back to her notebook, and then out of the corner of her eye focused on the man beside her.

This is obviously a continuation of the previous sentence and not a sentence in its own right. The last phrase reads awkwardly and does not seem to make logical sense. As a reader, I naturally stumble over things like that. I like to see a story unfold gracefully. As I say, you seem to express yourself quite competently generally, so I am inclined to think that this is the result of carelessness and, had you taken the time, you would have sorted this out yourself.

From the point of view of content, the story starts somewhere and then wanders off into another little story - I found this quite interesting. Then it comes back to the first story and then just stops without apparently completing, with the two paragraphs which got left in by mistake. This is unsatisfying for a reader.

If you want encouragement, I will happily give it. I have read a lot worse than this, and this is just your first attempt. I would like to see you work at it and polish it up.

If you want a good/bad vote, you get neither. To be good, you must be particularly good; to be bad, you must be awful. If you can be awfully bad, you might be bad enough to be good again. You should not think in such a limited way, or try to force other people to do so. If I had to choose between the two, I would say it was gobod. To be taken seriously, in any case, you must finish the story.

GL

P.S. Welcome to the site.

 

[Sexy Bi Chick]

I liked the idea of the story in general, but as noted, there are syntax errors which need to be fixed for your story to be truly accepted. Granted, you were probably in a rush to get your story out there, leaving those final two paragraphs in there is a very unneccessary mistake that you can easily avoid next time by proofreading and making sure that your story ends the way you intended it to.

That said, I think you had a few really good descriptive lines in your story which really helps the reader visualize what is going on. However, some effect was lost due to grammatical errors.
I felt like I really liked the following passage until I noticed the wording could have been better:

Randy’s hips bucked as he took Miriam’s mouth, his cock swollen, glistening with saliva a few drops falling to the wooden floor.

Perhaps I would have worded it as:

"Randy's hips bucked as he took Miriam's mouth. His cock was swollen and glistening with her saliva. As she sucked, a few drops fell to the wooden floor."

At any rate, that is a potentially really hot visual to me but it's all in the delivery. Nonetheless, do not be discouraged! We all make errors and many of them are quite simple to fix. Keep pluggin away and don't be afraid to face the music for every piece that you write. Work hard and have a nice day!

-Sexy