Looking for opinions... should I finish this?

[Cloaked_One]

The story below is one that I wrote many years ago. I had moved 2000 miles from home and I had only what my car could hold. My computer was the only entertainment I had, so I started this tale. I recently discovered it on an old floppy disc, and am curious to see if people enjoy it. If so, then I will write more and submit it. If not, well, then I'll probably still write more... but keep it all to myself!

It's a little different than my normal preferences, but when I wrote it, it just sorta came out.

Anyway, let me know what you think. As it is, there is nothing explicit about it. It starts with two sisters in a bank that is being robbed and the leader of the robbery takes a keen interest in them.

The story will be posted on a seperate entry below.

Thank you in advance!

 

[Cloaked_One]

No title at this time...


“I have to pee,” Whispered Amanda, “bad.”

“Shhhh.” Hushed her sister, Samantha. She glanced over at the group of masked bank robbers. “Hold it. We don’t really have a choice. Just pray we get out of here alive.”

One of the robbers suddenly turned its head, and began walking toward the sisters. They glanced at each other, fear in their eyes.

“What seems to be the problem here?” Came a low, sultry female voice. “You were instructed to remain quiet. What were you two talking about?”

“N-nothing.” Stammered Amanda, looking down at her feet.

“Nothing...?” The masked woman purred. “Then you shouldn’t have a problem telling me what it was.” She grabbed Amanda’s chin, holding it tight and looking into her blue eyes. “What were you talking about, bitch?”

“She... she has to use the bathroom.” Said Samantha, defending her younger sister. “That’s all, really.”

The masked woman turned and looked at Samantha, a strange look in her eyes. “I wasn’t talking to you. Speak again, and I’ll slap you.” She then turned and looked once again into Amanda’s eyes. “Is that so? Do you have to pee, little girl? Or do you need to take a good shit?”

“J-just pee.” Whispered Amanda weakly, tears welling up in her eyes. “Bad.”

The masked woman moved closer to Amanda’s face, their noses nearly touching. Amanda could feel the woman’s hot breath strike her trembling lips. After long moments, the woman spoke, “So you interrupt my operation here because you have to pee?”

“Leave her alone, please...” begged Samantha, stepping closer to the woman.

“I told you to keep quiet!” Hissed the woman, her hand leaving Amanda’s chin, as it reached out and struck Samantha’s cheek hard. Samantha let out a little whimper and stepped back.

Tears began to roll down Amanda’s face and she moved her legs together to help lessen the strain of having to pee. Then the woman looked at the group of other robbers. “Hey, guys, you take care of this. I need to teach these two a private lesson.” Then her eyes moved from the group of masked people, scanning over the crowd of bank customers. “None of you want to know what’s going to happen to these two. Don’t fuck with us!”

Both Samantha and Amanda were drug by the woman into a large side office in the bank. Once they were there, they were instructed to stand in the center of the room while the masked woman locked the door. She then turned and regarded the women calmly. Slowly she walked toward them, pulling off her black mask. Underneath was a strikingly beautiful woman. She had very sharp features, light skin, and long, dark hair. Her lips were full and red, twisted into a strange, evil grin. Her eyes didn’t leave the girls as she calmly walked around them, gently slapping her mask into her hand repeatedly.

“Look at you two. Such prim and proper good little rich girls.” She laughed. “Cute little business skirts and jackets. So well groomed. How pathetic.” The woman stopped behind them and was silent for long moments. “You.” Said the woman as Amanda felt a slap of the mask on her ass. “What’s your name? How old are you?”

“A-amanda.” She stammered. “I’m eighteen. Please don’t hurt us miss...”

“Miss?! Hahahahaha, that’s rich.” The woman walked around to stand in front of Amanda. “Call me Raven. Mistress Raven. If you fail to, I’ll slap you like I did your sister. And you don’t want that to happen. It might make you pee, and we can’t have an eighteen year old woman peeing her panties, now can we?” Raven smiled and stepped over to stand in front of Samantha. “And what’s your name, big sister?” Raven’s eyes were on Samantha’s red cheek.

“Samantha.” She said defiantly, “And I’m 22.” Her eyes were flashing defiance, not moving away from Raven’s stare. “What do you want from us?”

Raven spoke not a word, and instead turned and walked to a table with a coffee maker on it. In silence, she poured water from a pitcher into a glass, then turned and walked back to the sisters. “I’m asking the questions here, Samantha, my dear.” She handed the glass of water to Amanda. “Here, drink this, it will calm you down.”

Amanda took the glass, about to remind Raven that water wasn’t a good idea, but opted not to for fear of getting slapped. So, she just held the water in front of her while she watched Raven walk away, slowly swaying.

“Drink it, Amanda. Drink it all.”

“But, I have to pee, and that will--” began Amanda, but was cut short by Raven moving toward her and slapping her hard on the face.

“Yes Mistress Raven!!” Yelled Raven, “Say it! Now drink the fucking water!”

“Y-yes, Mistress Raven,” said Amanda as she began to drink the water, tears once again rolling down her young face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Samantha stepped toward Raven. “Leave her alone!” She began to take another step, but was stopped by Raven’s open hand to her cheek again.

Raven followed the slap with a quick grab to Samantha’s throat, forcing her to the ground. She stood above Samantha, bending over to keep her hand on the throat of the girl. She looked into Samantha’s eyes. “I said shut up!” Another slap. Then another, hard. Raven’s hand went back and forth, slapping each cheek. Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! She kept her grip on Samantha’s throat tight, preventing her from getting away. “Are you going to stay quiet now? You fucking little bitch!” Raven spit onto Samantha’s face, a large glob of white saliva that landed across her nose.

“Y-yes.”

Raven spit again, this one landing directly on Samantha’s lips. “Yes what?”

“Y-yes, Mistress Raven.” Samantha gagged as the woman’s spit entered her mouth when she spoke.

“Don’t like my spit, do you?” Said Raven with a sneer. Her hand moved from Samantha’s throat to the back of her head and grabbed a bunch of hair. Samantha just stared at her. Quickly and violently, she pulled Samantha up by her hair, bringing her face near her own. “Open your mouth.” Samantha just looked at her. “I said open your fucking mouth.” Raven said calmly. This time, Samantha complied, opening her mouth a little. Raven smiled and looked at Samantha in the eyes.

Samantha was shocked to see Raven slowly allow a glob of spit drip from her lips. Samantha tried to close her mouth, but it was too late, the spit dropped from Raven’s lips and into her mouth, striking the back of her throat, making her gag again. Raven just smiled at her and let her fall back to the floor by releasing her hair.

Raven stepped over Samantha and walked over to Amanda, who stood there, shocked, trembling, crying, and holding a still full glass of water. “You didn’t drink it. Would you rather drink my spit?” Raven’s voice broke Amanda out of her trance.

“N-no, Mistress Raven.” Said Amanda through tears.

“Then drink the water.” The dark haired beauty said as she gently put the glass to Amanda’s lip. “Drink it all.”

Amanda slowly started drinking the water, closing her eyes and hoping that this was all some kind of weird dream. Raven’s voice reminded her that it wasn’t.

“That’s it. Drink it all, just like the good little girl you are.” Whispered Raven, almost seductively.

Amanda finished the glass and handed it back to Raven. Instantly she could feel the strain on her bladder increase. She hoped it was just her imagination.

“That’s a good girl. Now what do you say?” Asked Raven, looking at the empty glass, then into Amanda’s teary eyes.

“Thank you, Mistress Raven.” Amanda sniffled.

“You’re a very pretty young lady, Amanda.” Whispered Raven as she gently pushed away a lock of golden hair from Amanda’s face. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

Amanda shook her head no, fear in her eyes. She watched as Raven looked at her. Staring into her eyes, then down her face, following her body. Amanda stood there, not knowing what to do with this woman looking at her.

“Very pretty, indeed.” Whispered Raven as she moved closer, her chest pushing against Amanda’s. Raven rested her hands on the girl’s shoulders, and stared at her in silence. Amanda stood, rigid and afraid, not even breathing.

Amanda couldn’t believe what was happening, and her need to pee was getting worse. She didn’t know what to do, and Raven wouldn’t leave her alone. When Raven’s chest pushed against hers, she felt lightheaded, and thought for a moment she was going to faint and lose control. She could do nothing but look at Raven, and stand there. It was hard for her to think and breathe. Raven smiled at her, and she weakly smiled back, as she noticed that Raven was moving from side to side, causing their chests to actually rub together. Amanda glanced down, and noticed that the black shirt Raven was wearing covered up her large chest well. Amanda started to look up at Raven’s face again, but again felt lightheaded as the woman’s breasts rubbed against her own. Amanda closed her eyes again, trying to concentrate; trying to calm down. Then she felt warm breath on her lips. She opened her eyes to find Raven moving closer, then gently kissing her lips once, then pulling away a little and slowly running her tongue over Amanda’s lips, from bottom to top. Amanda’s head swam and her knee’s got weak.

“What are you doing to my little sister!!?” Yelled Samantha. “Leave her alone!”

Raven turned toward Samantha, who was getting up off the floor. With a flurry, Raven moved toward Samantha, reaching her as she got to her knees. Quickly, she grabbed the Samantha’s throat again, and forced her to the ground, hard. Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Followed by a loud spit that planted saliva on Samantha’s cheek.

“You stupid fucking cunt!” Slap! Slap! Slap! Then another blob of spit on her other cheek. Raven looked down at the girl, now subdued, laying on her back with spit on her red cheeks. “Come here, Amanda.”

Amanda started at the command. She had been standing there for so long, she wasn’t sure if she could move without peeing. Carefully, she took a step, and then another, finally making her way, in what seemed an eternity, to stand beside Raven. She looked down at her sister’s spit covered face and for the first time, saw real fear in Samantha’s eyes.

“I’m tired of her mouth. It seems I can’t leave her unattended.” Raven took hold of Amanda’s shoulders again, moving her to stand in front of her, at her sisters head. Amanda complied without a thought. Then Raven tried moving her forward, so Amanda would be standing directly over Samantha’s head. The thought entered Amanda’s mind, and she resisted. She didn’t want to take the next step. Too much could happen. Her sister would be looking up her skirt and, worse of all, if she did lose control, Samantha would be down there. She had to find a way to out of this.

“Amanda, step forward or I’ll treat you like the cunt your sister is.” Raven said plainly. “Don’t you want to stand closer to me? Like we were?” Once again, Raven pulled on Amanda’s shoulders to make her step forward. The girl resisted at first, then, gingerly, stepped forward.

Once again, Amanda found herself standing chest to chest with this woman, only this time, she was standing above her sister’s face. Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Raven’s breasts rubbing against hers again. This time harder, more deliberate. Her head swam, and she began to sob.

“There, there.” Said Raven, as she put her hand under Amanda’s chin, making her look up and into Raven’s eyes. “Just relax.”

With that, Raven moved forward again and softly kissed Amanda’s quivering lips. A soft peck, then another. Another peck, then Raven took Amanda’s lips into her mouth, sucking them gently while running her tongue between them. Amanda’s heart raced. Her body shook. She couldn’t breathe. Everything else faded away. Everything but Raven’s kisses. She felt Raven place her hands upon her face, pulling Amanda toward her. She felt Raven’s tongue slipping between her lips. She felt Raven sucking on her lips. Then, to her amazement, she felt her own tongue enter Raven’s mouth, searching it. She felt her mouth open and invite Raven in. Their lips pushed against each other, and tongues entwined. She felt warm inside. She felt like she had never felt before. The kiss was wet. She could feel Raven’s saliva flowing into her mouth, then back to Raven’s, and back to her own again. She pushed her tongue deep, and allowed Raven’s free reign. Finally, the kiss ended when Raven pulled away and Amanda found her self standing on her toes, head cocked, and mouth open. Her face reddened, and she immediately went back to her standing stiff position, and looked away from the dark haired beauty.

“I knew you had it in you, Amanda.” Whispered Raven. Slowly her hands moved down from Amanda’s face, to her shoulders and running down over her breasts, finally stopping at the buttons to Amanda’s business jacket.

Amanda watched helplessly as Raven unbuttoned the jacket. Her breasts were still warm where Raven and touched them. Looking down as Raven pushed the jacket off, Amanda saw her sister lying beneath her, silently sobbing with her eyes closed. Her heart sank.

“This is wrong...” She whispered, more a spoke thought.

“Don’t look at her! You’re doing very well!” Raven forced her to look up again. “Don’t let her fuck it up for you.”

Amanda looked at her angrily. “Go to Hell. This is sick. What’s stopping us from leaving? Why do we have to do what you say? You don’t have any--” Slap! Amanda was cut short. Suddenly, she remembered she had to pee still. She couldn’t take another hit like that and keep it in. Her face stung badly, but she couldn’t imagine what her sister’s face must feel like after the beating it’s taken.

“Then you’re both cunts. I’ll teach you not to defy me. On your knees!” Raven looked Amanda in the eyes, her eyes burning.

“Wh-what!?” Yelped Amanda. Raven only raised her hand, and Amanda complied. Gently, she lowered herself to her knees, her skirt enveloping her sister’s head.

“Your sister fucked it up for you, Amanda. Now you’re both gonna pay.” Raven said coolly as she walked back over to the pitcher of water and poured another glass. “Unbutton your sister’s jacket. Help her take it off.” Raven finished pouring the glass and returned to see the two had managed to get the jacket off. Amanda was on her knees, straddling her sister’s face. Samantha could be heard sobbing beneath Amanda’s skirt. Raven smiled and handed the glass of water to Amanda. “Drink. Drink every fucking drop. If you two keep fucking up, you’re gonna drink more. I’ll keep giving it to you until you burst. You wouldn’t want to wet yourself on your sister’s face, would you? Then do as I say.”

Amanda took the water and began to drink it. She knew not to disobey. She’d been broken. While she drank, she could feel the heat of her sister’s breath under her skirt; and it wasn’t helping. When she was done with the water, she offered the empty glass to Raven. “Thank you Mistress Raven.” She whispered but it didn’t feel like it was her voice.

Raven took the glass, looking down at Amanda. Her blue eyes were red from tears, her lipstick was smeared from the kiss, and one cheek was red from a painful slap. Raven was in Heaven. Slowly, she lowered herself and kissed Amanda’s lips again. The girl reacted, allowing her tongue in to explore. Again, their tongues danced. Raven took Amanda’s tongue in her mouth, sucking on it with her lips, as if it were a little cock.

Amanda moaned softly as Raven sucked on her tongue. The sensation of kissing her, plus the heat from her sisters breathing under her skirt was too much for her. She couldn’t help it. She wanted, no, needed to kiss this woman. Worse still, she needed to cum, and didn’t care how. She was disappointed when Raven broke the kiss.

Raven looked at Amanda with hunger and passion. This girl was getting to her. She wanted to ravage her. But she couldn’t show it. She had to stick to her plan. Had to be patient. After she broke the kiss, Raven took a deep breath and walked back to the table to set the glass down. She could feel her wetness. It was incredible! She needed more. Just a little, she thought.

Turning around, Raven looked at the sisters, admiring her work. She walked toward them yet again, this time, however, she removed her black top and tossed it to the side. She once again saw fear in Amanda’s eyes. Straddling the silent Samantha, Raven knelt in front of Amanda. She watched as Amanda’s eyes darted from her face to her breasts. Reaching back, Raven removed her bra, revealing her naked breasts to the young girl before her.

Amanda watched as Raven removed her bra. Her eyes were glued to the woman’s breasts. The nipples were pink and erect; begging to be sucked. Amanda, however, couldn’t imagine taking one of them into her mouth. Kissing was one thing, she thought, but THIS is wrong. She couldn’t do it.

“Close your eyes.” Raven spoke softly. Amanda complied. Moving forward, the dark haired beauty wet the young girl’s lips with at long, slow lick. Oh, how this girl affected her! Raven stood, looking at her own nipples, amazed at how erect they were. Her gaze then went to the face of Amanda, who knelt there, lips wet and eyes closed. Bending down, Raven grazed the girl’s lips with a nipple. Amanda closed here eyes tighter. Raven smiled and ran her erect nipple between the girl’s wet lips, pushing it into them. Amanda pulled away. Another show of power is needed, thought Raven.

“Bitch!” She screamed, and slapped Amanda’s face hard, giving her matching red cheeks. “Why can’t you just do this correctly!?”

With the slap came the sudden reminder that Amanda had to pee. Very badly. She once again managed to prevent any from coming out, but couldn’t take much more.

Raven put her bra back on, then stood in front of Amanda again. Reaching out, she got a handful of hair, and suddenly pulled Amanda downward, so she was on all fours above her sister. Directly below her was Samantha’s business skirt, which was pulled up to mid thigh.

“Stay, cunt.” Raven barked, and then moved to Amanda’s backside. “Don’t look at anything but the floor.”

Samantha heard Raven moving closer. She just lay there with her eyes closed, hoping this was going to end soon. She was hot and sweating under her sister’s skirt, and was beginning to smell her sister’s scent. It smelled very much like her own. Finally, Raven pulled up Amanda’s skirt, pushing it up over her butt. Samantha squinted at the light.

“How you doing under there, cunt?” Growled Raven. “Enjoying your sister’s scent? I can smell it from here.”

Samantha just looked away. Looking to each side, however, brought her face to nearly touch her sister’s thigh. Looking straight up she had to either look at Raven, or at her sister’s panty covered crotch.

“What’s the matter, girl?” Teased Raven, “Don’t like having your sister straddling your face?” She paused, looking at the young woman trying to avoid looking at everything, her eyes darting about. “Or do you? You do like it, don’t you? Yes, I see it in your eyes. You don’t want to look at her thighs. They tempt you. Don’t they?”

Samantha just closed her eyes and whispered, “No.” over and over. Tears began to well up in her eyes.

“Open your eyes.” Whispered Raven. “Look at me.” Samantha closed her eyes tighter. “I said open your eyes. Do it! Now!” Raven barked the last word as her hand came down hard on Amanda’s right butt cheek.

Amanda yelped at the sudden pain. She also closed her legs a bit more, bringing them closer around Samantha’s face, in order to prevent herself from releasing any pee, though it felt as if a little had slipped out, wetting her pussy slightly. She still had to go, and it was getting worse.

 

[angelicminx]

Initial reaction...EWWW. That's to the spit. Personal preference.

Yeah, you should finish this. It needs an editor, but the storyline is good, IMO.

~Minx

 

[Cloaked_One]

Initial reaction...EWWW. That's to the spit. Personal preference.

Yeah, you should finish this. It needs an editor, but the storyline is good, IMO.

~Minx

Thanks for the comment, Minx, I appreciate it.

Yeah, I was pretty surprised when I re-read it. I wrote it in 1998 and it is completely different than my usual mindset and preferences.

I'm thinking I may rework it, tone it down a bit, nix the "sister" thing, remove the spitting and most of the violence, and soften it up. My memories of it were of the desperation (to pee) and the seduction of the girls - I had forgotten about the other stuff, so I am thinking that they are not needed.

I'll leave it up for other comments... and if I do a rewrite, I'll post that, too.

Any other suggestions or comments?

 

[angelicminx]

Thanks for the comment, Minx, I appreciate it.

Yeah, I was pretty surprised when I re-read it. I wrote it in 1998 and it is completely different than my usual mindset and preferences.

I'm thinking I may rework it, tone it down a bit, nix the "sister" thing, remove the spitting and most of the violence, and soften it up. My memories of it were of the desperation (to pee) and the seduction of the girls - I had forgotten about the other stuff, so I am thinking that they are not needed.

I'll leave it up for other comments... and if I do a rewrite, I'll post that, too.

Any other suggestions or comments?

You are quite welcome.

I'm not sure if it needs to be "softened". As far as the "sister" thing, depends on where you were going with it. I won't object to the removal of the spitting.




Okay, now that I know you are serious, you should read this post: What's Going On at Story Disc. Circle: Information you need to know. It will give you the information you need on how the SDC works and what is requested of you to receive full feedback/ critique of your work.

I might be out of line by offering this, but I was intrigued enough by this story that I choose to give you a small taste of what the SDC can do. I'm not an expert, by any means, but I have the time and inclination to offer my feeble opinion.

Forgive me, Pure and members of the SDC.

No title at this time...


“I have to pee,” Whispered Amanda, “bad.”
"whispered" doesn't need capitalization.

“Shhhh,” hushed her sister, Samantha, as she glanced over at the group of masked bank robbers. “Hold it. We don’t really have a choice. Just pray we get out of here alive.”

One of the robbers suddenly turned its head, and began walking toward the sisters. They glanced at each other, fear in their eyes.

“What seems to be the problem here?” Came a low, sultry female voice. “You were instructed to remain quiet. What were you two talking about?”

“N-nothing.” Stammered Amanda, looking down at her feet.
"N-nothing," stammered Amanda while looking down at her feet.

“Nothing...?” The masked woman purred. “Then you shouldn’t have a problem telling me what it was.” She grabbed Amanda’s chin, holding it tight and looking into her blue eyes. Should this be where the tears well up in Amanda's eyes? The impression I have of this character suggests to me she is prone to tears and the fear this woman would generate in Amanda would set them off. “What were you talking about, bitch?”

“She... she has to use the bathroom,” said Samantha, defending her younger sister. “That’s all, really.”

The masked woman turned and looked at Samantha, a strange look in her eyes. “I wasn’t talking to you. Speak again, and I’ll slap you.” She then turned and looked once again into Amanda’s eyes. “Is that so? Do you have to pee, little girl? Or do you need to take a good shit?”

“J-just pee,” whispered Amanda weakly, tears welling up in her eyes. (See note above. IMO, this might be where the tears spill over and roll down her cheeks. Of course, doing this might change the scene in that the woman may get angry at the show of tears. Or it could intensify the fear when the woman licks the tears off Amanda's face. Your call of course.) “Bad.”

The masked woman moved closer to Amanda’s face, their noses nearly touching. Amanda could feel the woman’s hot breath strike her trembling lips. After long moments, the woman spoke, “So you interrupt my operation here because you have to pee?”

“Leave her alone, please...” begged Samantha, stepping closer to the woman.

“I told you to keep quiet!” Hissed the woman, her hand leaving Amanda’s chin, as it reached out and struck Samantha’s cheek hard. Samantha let out a little whimper and stepped back. Seems to me that Samantha would do more than just whimper if struck as hard as I imagine she was.

Tears began to roll down Amanda’s face and she moved her legs together to help lessen the strain of having to pee. The tears might increase at this point as the pain of a full bladder grows. <New paragraph?>Then the woman looked at the group of other robbers. “Hey, guys, you take care of this. I need to teach these two a private lesson.” Too many "then", find a way to remove them.Then her eyes moved from the group of masked people, scanning over the crowd of bank customers. “None of you want to know what’s going to happen to these two. Don’t fuck with us!”

Both Samantha and Amanda were drug by the woman into a large side office in the bank. I have a hard time believing that one woman could drag two grown women anywhere. Force them at gunpoint? Yes. Drag them? No. Once they were there, they were instructed to stand in the center of the room while the masked woman locked the door. Why do they just follow instructions? There has to be a good reason. She then turned and regarded the women calmly. Small nit-pick: in everything I have read on writing they advise against the use of 'ly' words. After removing the majority of 'ly' words from my own writing, I agree with the concept. It's not as difficult to do as it seems to be, trust me. Slowly she walked toward them, pulling off her black mask. Underneath was a strikingly beautiful woman. She had very sharp features, light skin, and long, dark hair. Her lips were full and red, twisted into a strange, evil grin. The character descriptions here are what other authors call a "laundry list" of features. Spread out the descriptions through the course of the piece, beginning with the moment she takes off her mask. Her eyes As I have been told, on more than one occasion, "Eyes don't leave the head, as a general rule." Meaning that the characters might "gaze", "look", etc. but their eyes don't leave their body. Applies to other parts as well.didn’t leave the girls as she calmly walked around them, gently slapping her mask into her hand repeatedly.

“Look at you two. Such prim and proper good little rich girls.” She laughed. “Cute little business skirts and jackets. So well groomed. How pathetic.” The woman stopped behind them and was silent for long moments. “You.” Said the woman as Amanda felt a slap of the mask on her ass. “What’s your name? How old are you?”

“A-amanda.” She stammered. “I’m eighteen. Please don’t hurt us miss...”

“Miss?! Hahahahaha, that’s rich.” The woman walked around to stand in front of Amanda. “Call me Raven. Mistress Raven. If you fail to, I’ll slap you like I did your sister. And you don’t want that to happen. It might make you pee, and we can’t have an eighteen year old woman peeing her panties, now can we?” Raven smiled and stepped over to stand in front of Samantha. “And what’s your name, big sister?” Raven’s eyes were on Samantha’s red cheek.

“Samantha.” She said defiantly, “And I’m 22.” Her eyes were flashing defiance, not moving away from Raven’s stare. “What do you want from us?”

Raven spoke not a word, and instead turned and walked to a table with a coffee maker on it. In silence, she poured water from a pitcher into a glass, then turned and walked back to the sisters. “I’m asking the questions here, Samantha, my dear.” She handed the glass of water to Amanda. “Here, drink this, it will calm you down.”

Amanda took the glass, about to remind Raven that water wasn’t a good idea, but opted not to for fear of getting slapped. So, she just held the water in front of her while she watched Raven walk away, slowly swaying.

“Drink it, Amanda. Drink it all.”

“But, I have to pee, and that will--” began Amanda, but was cut short by Raven moving toward her and slapping her hard on the face.

“Yes Mistress Raven!!” Yelled Raven, “Say it! Now drink the fucking water!”

“Y-yes, Mistress Raven,” said Amanda as she began to drink the water, tears once again rolling down her young face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Samantha stepped toward Raven. “Leave her alone!” She began to take another step, but was stopped by Raven’s open hand to her cheek again.

Raven followed the slap with a quick grab to Samantha’s throat, forcing her to the ground. She stood above Samantha, bending over to keep her hand on the throat of the girl. She looked into Samantha’s eyes. “I said shut up!” Another slap. Then another, hard. Raven’s hand went back and forth, slapping each cheek. Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! She kept her grip on Samantha’s throat tight, preventing her from getting away. “Are you going to stay quiet now? You fucking little bitch!” Raven spit onto Samantha’s face, a large glob of white saliva that landed across her nose.

“Y-yes.”

Raven spit again, this one landing directly on Samantha’s lips. “Yes what?”

“Y-yes, Mistress Raven.” Samantha gagged as the woman’s spit entered her mouth when she spoke.

“Don’t like my spit, do you?” Said Raven with a sneer. Her hand moved from Samantha’s throat to the back of her head and grabbed a bunch of hair. Samantha just stared at her. Quickly and violently, she pulled Samantha up by her hair, bringing her face near her own. “Open your mouth.” Samantha just looked at her. “I said open your fucking mouth.” Raven said calmly. This time, Samantha complied, opening her mouth a little. Raven smiled and looked at Samantha in the eyes.

Samantha was shocked to see Raven slowly allow a glob of spit drip from her lips. Samantha tried to close her mouth, but it was too late, the spit dropped from Raven’s lips and into her mouth, striking the back of her throat, making her gag again. Raven just smiled at her and let her fall back to the floor by releasing her hair.

Raven stepped over Samantha and walked over to Amanda, who stood there, shocked, trembling, crying, and holding a still full glass of water. “You didn’t drink it. Would you rather drink my spit?” Raven’s voice broke Amanda out of her trance.

“N-no, Mistress Raven.” Said Amanda through tears.

“Then drink the water.” The dark haired beauty said as she gently put the glass to Amanda’s lip. “Drink it all.”

Amanda slowly started drinking the water, closing her eyes and hoping that this was all some kind of weird dream. Raven’s voice reminded her that it wasn’t.

“That’s it. Drink it all, just like the good little girl you are.” Whispered Raven, almost seductively.

Amanda finished the glass and handed it back to Raven. Instantly she could feel the strain on her bladder increase. She hoped it was just her imagination.

“That’s a good girl. Now what do you say?” Asked Raven, looking at the empty glass, then into Amanda’s teary eyes.

“Thank you, Mistress Raven.” Amanda sniffled.

“You’re a very pretty young lady, Amanda.” Whispered Raven as she gently pushed away a lock of golden hair from Amanda’s face. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

Amanda shook her head no, fear in her eyes. She watched as Raven looked at her. Staring into her eyes, then down her face, following her body. Amanda stood there, not knowing what to do with this woman looking at her.

“Very pretty, indeed.” Whispered Raven as she moved closer, her chest pushing against Amanda’s. Raven rested her hands on the girl’s shoulders, and stared at her in silence. Amanda stood, rigid and afraid, not even breathing.

Amanda couldn’t believe what was happening, and her need to pee was getting worse. She didn’t know what to do, and Raven wouldn’t leave her alone. When Raven’s chest pushed against hers, she felt lightheaded, and thought for a moment she was going to faint and lose control. She could do nothing but look at Raven, and stand there. It was hard for her to think and breathe. Raven smiled at her, and she weakly smiled back, as she noticed that Raven was moving from side to side, causing their chests to actually rub together. Amanda glanced down, and noticed that the black shirt Raven was wearing covered up her large chest well. Amanda started to look up at Raven’s face again, but again felt lightheaded as the woman’s breasts rubbed against her own. Amanda closed her eyes again, trying to concentrate; trying to calm down. Then she felt warm breath on her lips. She opened her eyes to find Raven moving closer, then gently kissing her lips once, then pulling away a little and slowly running her tongue over Amanda’s lips, from bottom to top. Amanda’s head swam and her knee’s knees got weak.

“What are you doing to my little sister!!?” Yelled Samantha. “Leave her alone!”

Raven turned toward Samantha, who was getting up off the floor. With a flurry, Raven moved toward Samantha, reaching her as she got to her knees. Quickly, she grabbed the (remove) Samantha’s throat again, and forced her to the ground, hard. Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Followed by a loud spit that planted saliva on Samantha’s cheek.

“You stupid fucking cunt!” Slap! Slap! Slap! Then another blob of spit on her other cheek. Raven looked down at the girl, now subdued, laying on her back with spit on her red cheeks. “Come here, Amanda.”

Amanda started at the command. She had been standing there for so long, she wasn’t sure if she could move without peeing. Carefully, she took a step, and then another, finally making her way, in what seemed an eternity, to stand beside Raven. She looked down at her sister’s spit covered face and for the first time, saw real fear in Samantha’s eyes.

“I’m tired of her mouth. It seems I can’t leave her unattended.” Raven took hold of Amanda’s shoulders again, moving her to stand in front of her, at her sisters head. Amanda complied without a thought. Then Raven tried moving her forward, so Amanda would be standing directly over Samantha’s head. The thought entered Amanda’s mind, and she resisted. She didn’t want to take the next step. Too much could happen. Her sister would be looking up her skirt and, worse of all, if she did lose control, Samantha would be down there. She had to find a way to out of this.

“Amanda, step forward or I’ll treat you like the cunt your sister is.” Raven said plainly. “Don’t you want to stand closer to me? Like we were?” Once again, Raven pulled on Amanda’s shoulders to make her step forward. The girl resisted at first, then, gingerly, stepped forward.

Once again, Amanda found herself standing chest to chest with this woman, only this time, she was standing above her sister’s face. Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Raven’s breasts rubbing against hers again. This time harder, more deliberate. Her head swam, and she began to sob.

“There, there.” Said Raven, as she put her hand under Amanda’s chin, making her look up and into Raven’s eyes. “Just relax.”

With that, Raven moved forward again and softly kissed Amanda’s quivering lips. A soft peck, then another. Another peck, then Raven took Amanda’s lips into her mouth, sucking them gently while running her tongue between them. Amanda’s heart raced. Her body shook. She couldn’t breathe. Everything else faded away. Everything but Raven’s kisses. She felt Raven place her hands upon her face, pulling Amanda toward her. She felt Raven’s tongue slipping between her lips. She felt Raven sucking on her lips. Then, to her amazement, she felt her own tongue enter Raven’s mouth, searching it. She felt her mouth open and invite Raven in. Their lips pushed against each other, and tongues entwined. She felt warm inside. She felt like she had never felt before. The kiss was wet. She could feel Raven’s saliva flowing into her mouth, then back to Raven’s, and back to her own again. She pushed her tongue deep, and allowed Raven’s free reign. Finally, the kiss ended when Raven pulled away and Amanda found her self standing on her toes, head cocked, and mouth open. Her face reddened, and she immediately went back to her standing stiff position, and looked away from the dark haired beauty.

“I knew you had it in you, Amanda.” Whispered Raven. Slowly her hands moved down from Amanda’s face, to her shoulders and running down over her breasts, finally stopping at the buttons to Amanda’s business jacket.

Amanda watched helplessly as Raven unbuttoned the jacket. Her breasts were still warm where Raven and touched them. Looking down as Raven pushed the jacket off, Amanda saw her sister lying beneath her, silently sobbing with her eyes closed. Her heart sank.

“This is wrong...” She whispered, more a spoke spoken? thought.

“Don’t look at her! You’re doing very well!” Raven forced her to look up again. “Don’t let her fuck it up for you.”

Amanda looked at her angrily. “Go to Hell. This is sick. What’s stopping us from leaving? Why do we have to do what you say? Yes, why do they have to do what Raven says. Believability issues run rampant. You don’t have any--” Slap! Amanda was cut short. Suddenly, she remembered she had to pee still. She couldn’t take another hit like that and keep it in. Her face stung badly, but she couldn’t imagine what her sister’s face must feel like after the beating it’s taken.

“Then you’re both cunts. I’ll teach you not to defy me. On your knees!” Raven looked Amanda in the eyes, her eyes burning.

“Wh-what!?” Yelped Amanda. Raven only raised her hand, and Amanda complied. Gently, she lowered herself to her knees, her skirt enveloping her sister’s head.

“Your sister fucked it up for you, Amanda. Now you’re both gonna pay.” Raven said coolly as she walked back over to the pitcher of water and poured another glass. “Unbutton your sister’s jacket. Help her take it off.” Raven finished pouring the glass and returned to see the two had managed to get the jacket off. Amanda was on her knees, straddling her sister’s face. Samantha could be heard sobbing beneath Amanda’s skirt. Raven smiled and handed the glass of water to Amanda. “Drink. Drink every fucking drop. If you two keep fucking up, you’re gonna drink more. I’ll keep giving it to you until you burst. You wouldn’t want to wet yourself on your sister’s face, would you? Then do as I say.”

Amanda took the water and began to drink it. She knew not to disobey. She’d been broken. Why has she been broken? Seems too easy. While she drank, she could feel the heat of her sister’s breath under her skirt; and it wasn’t helping. When she was done with the water, she offered the empty glass to Raven. “Thank you Mistress Raven.” She whispered but it didn’t feel like it was her voice.

Raven took the glass, looking down at Amanda. Her blue eyes were red from tears, her lipstick was smeared from the kiss, and one cheek was red from a painful slap. Raven was in Heaven. Slowly, she lowered herself and kissed Amanda’s lips again. The girl reacted, allowing her tongue in to explore. Again, their tongues danced. Raven took Amanda’s tongue in her mouth, sucking on it with her lips, as if it were a little cock.

Amanda moaned softly as Raven sucked on her tongue. The sensation of kissing her, plus the heat from her sisters breathing under her skirt was too much for her. She couldn’t help it. She wanted, no, needed to kiss this woman. Worse still, she needed to cum, and didn’t care how. She was disappointed when Raven broke the kiss.

Raven looked at Amanda with hunger and passion. This girl was getting to her. She wanted to ravage her. But she couldn’t show it. She had to stick to her plan. Had to be patient. After she broke the kiss, Raven took a deep breath and walked back to the table to set the glass down. She could feel her wetness. It was incredible! She needed more. Just a little, she thought.

Turning around, Raven looked at the sisters, admiring her work. She walked toward them yet again, this time, however, she removed her black top and tossed it to the side. She once again saw fear in Amanda’s eyes. Straddling the silent Samantha, Raven knelt in front of Amanda. She watched as Amanda’s eyes darted from her face to her breasts. Reaching back, Raven removed her bra, revealing her naked breasts to the young girl before her.

Amanda watched as Raven removed her bra. Her eyes were glued to the woman’s breasts. The nipples were pink and erect; begging to be sucked. Amanda, however, couldn’t imagine taking one of them into her mouth. Kissing was one thing, she thought, but THIS is wrong. She couldn’t do it.

“Close your eyes.” Raven spoke softly. Amanda complied. Moving forward, the dark haired beauty wet the young girl’s lips with at long, slow lick. Oh, how this girl affected her! Raven stood, looking at her own nipples, amazed at how erect they were. Her gaze then went to the face of Amanda, who knelt there, lips wet and eyes closed. Bending down, Raven grazed the girl’s lips with a nipple. Amanda closed here eyes tighter. Raven smiled and ran her erect nipple between the girl’s wet lips, pushing it into them. Amanda pulled away. Another show of power is needed, thought Raven.

“Bitch!” She screamed, and slapped Amanda’s face hard, giving her matching red cheeks. “Why can’t you just do this correctly!?”

With the slap came the sudden reminder that Amanda had to pee. Very badly. She once again managed to prevent any from coming out, but couldn’t take much more. The desperation, the need to pee, has lost believability at this point. Alot sooner than this, truth be told. You made the statement earlier in the story that another slap like that would cause her to pee, it didn't.

Raven put her bra back on, then stood in front of Amanda again. Reaching out, she got a handful of hair, and suddenly pulled Amanda downward, so she was on all fours above her sister. Directly below her was Samantha’s business skirt, which was pulled up to mid thigh.

“Stay, cunt.” Raven barked, and then moved to Amanda’s backside. “Don’t look at anything but the floor.”

Samantha heard Raven moving closer. She just lay there with her eyes closed, hoping this was going to end soon. She was hot and sweating under her sister’s skirt, and was beginning to smell her sister’s scent. It smelled very much like her own. Finally, Raven pulled up Amanda’s skirt, pushing it up over her butt. Samantha squinted at the light.

“How you doing under there, cunt?” Growled Raven. “Enjoying your sister’s scent? I can smell it from here.”

Samantha just looked away. Looking to each side, however, brought her face to nearly touch her sister’s thigh. Looking straight up she had to either look at Raven, or at her sister’s panty covered crotch.

“What’s the matter, girl?” Teased Raven, “Don’t like having your sister straddling your face?” She paused, looking at the young woman trying to avoid looking at everything, her eyes darting about. “Or do you? You do like it, don’t you? Yes, I see it in your eyes. You don’t want to look at her thighs. They tempt you. Don’t they?”

Samantha just closed her eyes and whispered, “No.” over and over. Tears began to well up in her eyes.

“Open your eyes.” Whispered Raven. “Look at me.” Samantha closed her eyes tighter. “I said open your eyes. Do it! Now!” Raven barked the last word as her hand came down hard on Amanda’s right butt cheek.

Amanda yelped at the sudden pain. She also closed her legs a bit more, bringing them closer around Samantha’s face, in order to prevent herself from releasing any pee, though it felt as if a little had slipped out, wetting her pussy slightly. She still had to go, and it was getting worse.

I stopped with my notes, because you should have gotten the general idea.

Hmm. Like I said, I like the storyline. Samantha is a weak character, I have no feel for her at all. There are alot of contradictions in Amanda's character. This has potential, IMO, to be a great story. It does need an editor. Finish, fix, whatever you are going to do with it, then join the queue for discussion. You will get alot of excellent input. I don't know if there will be any stories between now and then for you to critique, but I hope so. The requirement, if you haven't yet read the post, is two before yours will be critiqued. Also, take a gander at the Author's Hangout. Introduce yourself and have a good time. There are some amazing people both here and on the AH. Good luck and welcome to Lit.

 

[Cloaked_One]

You are quite welcome.

I'm not sure if it needs to be "softened". As far as the "sister" thing, depends on where you were going with it. I won't object to the removal of the spitting.




Okay, now that I know you are serious, you should read this post: What's Going On at Story Disc. Circle: Information you need to know. It will give you the information you need on how the SDC works and what is requested of you to receive full feedback/ critique of your work.

I might be out of line by offering this, but I was intrigued enough by this story that I choose to give you a small taste of what the SDC can do. I'm not an expert, by any means, but I have the time and inclination to offer my feeble opinion.

Forgive me, Pure and members of the SDC.




Hmm. Like I said, I like the storyline. Samantha is a weak character, I have no feel for her at all. There are alot of contradictions in Amanda's character. This has potential, IMO, to be a great story. It does need an editor. Finish, fix, whatever you are going to do with it, then join the queue for discussion. You will get alot of excellent input. I don't know if there will be any stories between now and then for you to critique, but I hope so. The requirement, if you haven't yet read the post, is two before yours will be critiqued. Also, take a gander at the Author's Hangout. Introduce yourself and have a good time. There are some amazing people both here and on the AH. Good luck and welcome to Lit.

WOW! Thank you very much for the input!! I will take all of this into consideration as I work on the rewrite as well as take a look at the link and read it before I post the rewrite.

And thank you for the welcome. I think I may have found a home!

 

[angelicminx]

WOW! Thank you very much for the input!! I will take all of this into consideration as I work on the rewrite as well as take a look at the link and read it before I post the rewrite.

And thank you for the welcome. I think I may have found a home!

My pleasure.

I'm happy to hear that! This is a great place to be.

 

[indianPilot]

I must confess to not reading the story, but I can still answer your orginal question. Yes! Finish it. Finish everything you start.

If you are getting bored writing the piece, there is a reason. The story is not exciting you. Put it aside for a week or so, come back with fresh eyes see if you can find what the problem is.

Dont wait for inspiration. It never comes. Try and set a regular amount of time on a regular basis.

Fimishing the work will teach you the end game. How to find the natural end of a piece, and how to handle that situation when it arrives. Example if you start lots of games of chess, but never finish them. You get good at the openings, but never at finishing them.

Pilot