Looking for honesty...er...feedback.

[Maximo Dano]

I'm new to this forum posting stuff, so if I make a mistake, I ask in advance for forgiveness. I would love some feedback on my work to date. It's my first stab at writing erotica. Chapters 1-4 have not had any editing, so please be kind concerning grammar. Also, it appears I have a problem with tenses, so be warned. One thing I must ask of those who will read these: What was the "Hottest" parts of the story? What turned you on? I think I'm looking for direction. Thanks.

-Maximo

Paying the Dues Ch. 1-2 http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=139862

Paying the Dues Ch. 3-4 http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=139862

Paying the Dues Ch. 5 http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=139862

 

[damppanties]

Maximo, your links don't work.

-DP.

 

[lusciouslips1]

nope, didn't work for me either

 

[horny_giraffe]

I'll give you my first impression, and try to assemble some cohesive criticism, here.

I got a little confused between the two couples, and it took me a second reading to figure out who was having sex with whom in the first scene. Perhaps if you used all four names: John, Brad, Tori, and Kelli in the same sentence. It also might help if you used names that didn't sound as similar. The men both have single syllable names, and both women have names with two syllables that sound very similar.

The description of the first sex scene was delightfully explicit. I especially liked "Slipping once and ending up in her cunt, he has her pull her ass cheek up so he can see her rosebud and aim his cock at the right place. Push, pull, push, and pull. He can feel it slowly start to accept the fireman’s helmet shaped head of his cock. "

I had a little trouble with the point of view (POV) switching apparently at random from between the various players. I think I confused John with Brad and Tori with Kelli for this reason, as well. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, just unpredictable and potentially confusing. Like when John fantasizes about his wife Torri, and then directly after you switch to Brad's point of view when he has sex with his wife, Kelli. I got confused and thought they were the same couple in both scenes!

I kind of assumed that whole setup was sex for money right at the beginning, so I was kind of expecting the main act to be the loan giver having sex with the sister-in-law. This sense of anticipation is heightened during dinner: "Brad tried to stay calm during dinner, but with the images flashing thru his mind and the feeling of power he felt, he still ended up a little giddy, happy as a clam." So I was kind of taken aback when they apparently just hopped in the sack after dinner. The joke was on me--it was just an intermission in the story, so to speak. A pleasant but irrelevant sexual interlude. Kind of like a porn movie, actually. By the way, here's an extra body to have sex with. Kelli doesn't seem to exist until the sex scene. That's fine, but it does seem to imply that their relationship is pretty much purely physical. Are you sure they need to be married? Kelli seems to be better suited as a fuck-buddy.

Anyhow, that's all for now.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Maximo Dano's "Paying the Dues" Ch. 1

Darlin Max,
Here, one should either ask for honesty, feedback or honest feedback. Believe me, they are all different animals. Hope you don’t mind if I give you the latter.


With the title “Paying the Dues” and the first line “It wouldn’t have happened if they weren’t so broke all the time” we immediately get the picture: this is one of those “I’ll forgive the debt if you/your wife/your daughter/your dog fucks me/my wife/my husband/my dog stories. Now that’s not bad, in and of itself, but I have to say I’m a bit tired of young couples who are so down and out (generally for no specific reason) that they have to have sex with their in-laws or bosses to pay off loans. As I read, it seemed that your couple was a bit different. Even though initially Tori seems rather young, as I read it turns out that they have a house, so then I start to think okay, they’ve been married for a while and have fallen on hard times. Next, I see that they are only newlyweds (again, I’m thinking young couple) and have both lost their jobs (a bit too convenient). THEN I find out they have to make car payments, have credit card debt, car payments, AND want money for a “doomed business”. Now these people just sound stupid to me, and frivolous. In addition, they are ALREADY in debt to the relatives for the car, so this isn’t about falling on hard times; this is about financial irresponsibility. I wish you had used that approach, rather than trying to make excuses for them and pretending as if their financial problems are all because life is so hard on the poor little lambs. They could file bankruptcy and save their house, sell the car and pay off the loan and buy a junker, and go too credit counseling for the credit cards. No, it’s not easy, but it is possible. Give me a GOOD reason they go crawling to relatives.
In the last analysis, you have little sister, poor and needy, and her big sister (who of course is married to an evil man) who is well off. Fairly typical. One of these days, I’d love to see the couples being equals financially, then one losing their shirts in business and the other offering to help, only to find out later in the story that the reason they lost their shirts was because their “friends” sold them out, gave their secrets to another company, etc. Something more original.
At any rate, the only reason I mention this is because you have a nice style, if a tiny bit rough, and I think you are relying on a cliche to base your story. That can work, if the twists are original enough. But with talent like yours, dig a little deeper. Make your storyline stand out.

“...having finished with her makeup, she proceeds to do her hair...” You have two verb tenses here. Should be, “...after finishing her makeup, she proceeded to do her hair...”

“...wondering if her brother in law would even notice her hair tonight. She didn’t think he noticed the other day when she did that thing to him.” You then finish this off by telling us how terribly nervous she is about being around her brother in law, giving the reader the impression that she doesn’t like him. That being the case, why on earth would she care if he notices her hair?? Also, what do you mean by “...the other day when she did that thing to him” That makes no sense to us, unless you tell us what she did.

Katy says “...don’t fret...” Does anyone use that phrase anymore? It sounds unreal.

Brad did not “[raise] the total to $8,000”. Tori did.

“...excitement and thrill he felt...” that’s redundant.

“He’d also begun to feel bad about asking...” Should be “He was also feeling badly about asking...” You look bad, you feel/act badly. Also here, you talk about John having second thoughts/looking over at his wife and “...wondering if she felt the same.” This makes me think that they didn’t discuss this or agonize over it before coming to this point. They don’t have a specific figure in mind; he’s wondering what his wife thinks about this. That tells me they didn’t pre-plan here. Another bit of info. that makes the whole sex-for-money thing cheap (pardon the pun).

I like the way you give us some detail about Tori quitting jobs. That’s the kind of detail that makes this whole scheme seem more real. And it’s a nice segue into giving us a description of her, AND a bit of insight into his personality (i.e., his self doubts; insecurities). Nice work there.

“HE and Brad”, not “him and Brad”

‘We’re like brothers,’ John thought to himself as they all got up to go outside. (Thoughts in single quote marks, please, dialogue in doubles).

Again, Tori looks at the check and is clearly disappointed. Another quick, well written look into her motivations and personality.

I would have omitted “happy as a clam”. You want to either :
1) Use cliches VERY sparingly and then ONLY when they aren’t glaring, as it is here --OR--
2) Use the cliche, but put a twist on it. Say for example, “...he still ended up a little giddy; happy as a clam in a barrel of champagne.” Putting your own twist on a cliche gives it new life, and we don’t mind it.


‘I’ll have a little of everything tonight,’ thought Brad.

It must be a male thing to want to add “A” “B” “C” “D” “DD” etc. in describing a woman’s breasts. Why can’t you say “generous handful” or “diminutive” or “perky” (as much as I hate that word) or “teacup sized” or something. Describe them by size by using something we can relate to. You know...’bigger than a breadbox’ or something.

Besides, if he’s looking at her from behind, WHY does he mention her tits anyway??

I will assume the “He she still turned him on” doesn’t refer to her being a transsexual, and is only a typo.

Okay, from here I’m just reading and giving impressions, unless the problem is glaring....

Her EYES are not dilated, only her pupils.

Oh COME ON! He’s 9 inches long and EIGHT inches thick???????????? So much for suspension of disbelief.

Well....I had higher hopes. I finished Chapter 1 and honestly don’t want to read anymore. Part of the problem is that your grammar/spelling seemed to fall apart as you went on into the sex with Katy and her husband. Yes, I know you say there was no editing, so we should be “kind concerning grammar”. Why? You posted the story as is. We read it as is. We critique it as is. Don’t say you didn’t edit, so therefore we should just overlook those things. Your POVs are all mixed up, your punctuation is distracting, and overall, while I MIGHT overlook that if the story is great, in this case, it was just okay, which meant I wasn’t willing to plod through the problems to get at the story. You make the reader work too hard, and they’ll leave you for an easier, better written story.
And while I understand some people’s desire to make stories as realistic as possible, why on earth did you add the little bit about Katy farting during sex? I mean, come on. It was silly and a turn off.
I agree with the giraffe....you have some nice imagery, but it’s put together in a sloppy manner and with a rather flimsy plot anyway, so in the end, I give you a three for effort and some promise, but I think you can do better.

Write stories as if you were going to read them to a panel of judges. Don’t just slap them together and hope the judges will overlook the flaws. Make it perfect (or as perfect as possible) BEFORE you submit. You’ll be happier. Scores will be higher.

Best,
ladyp

 

[Maximo Dano]

Fantastic!

Thank you so much for the feedback! I felt so lost when I sat down to write this! This was truly the first time I've put something so personal down on paper. Ladyp, most of this was based in reality, and yes, the couple I'm referring to really are that stupid finacially. That part was all true! That post of yours is the kind of direction I am looking for. I didn't know about literotica until after 1-4 were finished. A fan offered to edit chapter 5 for me, and I think that made a difference. I'm sorry it was such a hard read for you, that's a little dissapointing to hear. But I love a challenge and this will only improve my skills. Horny_G, thanks for slogging thru the rough stuff. I needed to see it from a readers standpoint and you let me know just what it looked like. I'll see if I can drum up an editor in the other forums (look at me, talking like I know what I'm doing!). Thanks again folks, you've made my week!

-Maximo

P.S.
I think I fixed the link to the stories. Oh, and the penis size thing? That's 8" in circumfrence. I'm 7" x 6" myself. I only added 2 inches in the story.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Fives

Maximo,
You get a 5+ for being mature about your writing. Sometimes when I give feedback like that, the response is tears, or the feeling that I'm being too harsh. You're a real writer, to be able to take it like that. You're going to do well. And I DO offer to edit sometimes by appointment, by the way.

 

[Whispersecret]

I agree with ladyphoenix. You are a courageous soul to have accepted that very tough critique with such enthusiasm. Hats off to you.

Have you actually measured your cock, or was that just an estimate? Six inches in circumference is about as big around as the fattest part of your average cucumber.

For your story, you might want to reconsider. Soup cans are exactly 7 inches in circumference. Eight inches would be, well, like monstrous.

 

[Maximo Dano]

No really....

From what I've seen so far, most people don't take feedback they don't agree with. Why would they then ask for feedback? I asked and got what I wanted! I don't want to write like an idiot, I want to entertain people. I want to be able to put pictures in people's minds. If I can make them physically feel something I've written, that's the greatest accomplishment that an author can achive.

As far as measuring goes, of course I've measured it! Every guy measures it! 7" long from pubic bone, and 6" and 1/8 or something. Fractions have faded with time. I say 7"x 6" because saying 1/8 at the end of your penis length just sounds silly. The thickest part is just behind the head. Makes me look like a baseball bat, all skinny at the base, all flared at the top.

Now, back to the feedback. How do I apply the feedback? It's hard to change a habitual way of writting. Do I blow past it on the first draft and get the words down? Or do I take the time during the writting to avoid the errors? Do I make my editor, whoever that may be, do all my correcting? I'm a super slow typist, and writting is a real labor of love. Keep it coming people, these are the things I need to know.

-Maximo

P.S.
Thanks again guys!