Looking for honest criticism and/or praise

[Masadoni]

This is an excerpt from a novel I am currently working on. I am looking on fritique of the writing because not much plot is revealed. It is not erotica but it is for mature readers. So tell me what you like, what you don't like, and ask any questions you want. Thank you!!!!

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“You see ‘er?” Alric muttered as liquor spilled out the side of his dry mouth and down his scraggly, unkempt beard. His left hand hung freely, swinging nonchalantly about his waist as he held his favorite flask containing the moonshine he bought from Horsa, the thief who lived in Wellfound Woods just outside the city. His right hand shaded his eyes as he searched for the girl they were expecting. She came by this way every other market day for the past six months.

“No. Not a sign. You thinkin’ she’s a no show?” said Cearl, who was dressed in his merchants’ suit he bought from Horsa the Thief. Cearl, Alric, Horsa and Osric the Surgeon, had been in business together for three years now. Today was their opportunity to go into early retirement if business went right.

“She’ll be here. It’s the only time she leaves her little castle. She doesn’t suspect anybody can see through her little farce. Spoiled little bitch. I don’t care how old she or any other bitch is; women will always look down on folk like us. We can change our clothes and look like merchants, we can speak proper-like, but they will still only see us as thieving peasants. Every time she walks by, trying to pass as a commoner, she still manages to look at us like we’re the shit she wipes off her asshole. That’s what gives her away. That and the fact that I can smell noble cunt a mile away!” That brought a laugh from Cearl. “Thirteen years old and already acting like an ungrateful whore.”

“Ah, Alric, it’s not as though she can help it. Being born nobly, that is. She didn’t choose the slit she fell out of. Just like we can’t help we was born lowly. That don’t make it right for her to think down on us, but this is just business really. You been takin’ this gig real personally lately. What’s the matter?”

Alric paused to take a drink. What had gotten into him? He had dealt with many so-called clients similar to her; similar, but not the same. This was the first girl who was royalty. Nobility was one thing; royalty another. His dick ached to be between her legs, forcing himself upon her. Just thinking about it made his blood flow with lust. The thrill. The thrill of taking ones innocence. This is why he took on these jobs. He would die a happy man if today went as planned, whether he were to die tomorrow or in decades. The money was just a bonus. To him, every innocent life he stole was personal. Business was just a cover up.

“Nothing personal Cearl,” he lied. “You know me. My dick just gets to aching and these street whores are nothing that can satisfy it. Why pay for it when you can get paid for it? I guess I’m just antsy to get paid and leave this place. I can’t wait to set sail for the islands and relax before we set for home.” Alric looked down at his dirty shoes. He thought it ironic that one of the richest men in Aston wore the beaten up shoes of the commoner they mugged minutes after they arrived here. He never bothered changing his shoes or clothes. He wanted to look as common as possible. He may be rich now, but he was still common at heart.

Cearl on the other hand had spent all his coin dressing up to play the part of a wealthy street merchant. Horsa the Thief supplied them with plenty of fine clothes and sold them at very low prices, but Cearl preferred to go up to the Westside Merchants District inside the castle gates and purchased lordly clothes and shoes and even hats with feathers. Cearl was a fool. He was great at what he did, but he was a fool.

“Alric!” Cearl half shouted, half whispered. “She’s coming. She just ducked behind that big crowd just behind those two wagons. I can’t see her anymore but I bloody swear on the New and Old Gods it was her.”

“Damn your Gods, Cearl! I believe you. You know what to do? Is Osric inside?” Alric asked rhetorically.

“There she is. Only fifty feet from us now. Get ready,” Cearl responded, not hearing a word Alric had just said.

Alric felt his dick throbbing and his forehead sweating in anticipation. He was ready. He had been ready for this since he first saw her. He still remembered that day six months ago. The little whore wasn’t as smart back then. She snuck out riding her mare and riding her lordly little riding clothes which she probably thought of as drab. She stuck out like a princess among peasants. Her cover up was so terrible that her guards had her back in castle grounds within moments.

Still, those were the moments that Alric would never forget. Every day he watched her as she got more and more crafty. She now waited until the guards’ changed watch. She started wearing clothes she probably took from one of the kitchen maids. She slumped her shoulders more and walked more tentatively. To an untrained eye she looked like the peasant she was portraying. But to Alric and his men, she could dress and walk and act however she wished, but she couldn’t change the look of superiority held in those penetrating blue eyes. Those eyes that held such confidence and swagger. Those eyes that told everyone she looked at, ‘I am better than you and always will be.’ When Alric had his way, those eyes would be saying something very different....

 

[writelove]

Masadoni,

Overall, I thought your snippet fairly well done. You encouraged me to keep reading. That is more than a lot of stories. It was as you say a part of a bigger piece and that made it a bit more difficult for me to immerse myself into the tale.

Some of the sentences were awkward for me and some of the paragraphs while not overly long should have been broken up. Sometimes you speak of a time past the events of the story and do not use "had."

For example:

“No. Not a sign. You thinkin’ she’s a no show?” said Cearl, who was dressed in his merchants’ suit he bought from Horsa the Thief. Cearl, Alric, Horsa and Osric the Surgeon, had been in business together for three years now. Today was their opportunity to go into early retirement if business went right.

Be more descriptive than simply saying merchants suit. I couldn't visualize that at all, thus was of no use to the story. You say "he bought" when it should be "he had bought." You say "business together" and "if business went right." This is boring and flat. You should say something like:
There were four of them together, partners for three years. Today was their opportunity to go into early retirement. [Remove the if business went right]

Then if you want, you can talk about each of them. Describe how Cearl dresses poorly etc.

The way you described your characters left me flat. Alric as the rich lowly dressed type and Cearl as the dandy were not interesting descriptions.

Your dialog at times did not seem vivid or real. I don't know why you kept mentioning a persons name in the dialog to tell me the target of a particular speech. "Nothing personal Cearl" did nothing for the story. Also "Damn your Gods, Cearl" was unnecessary. Just say, "I believe you."

You seem to have trouble identifying who is actually speaking a particular piece of dialog.

For example:

“She’ll be here. It’s the only time she leaves her little castle. She doesn’t suspect anybody can see through her little farce. Spoiled little bitch. I don’t care how old she or any other bitch is; women will always look down on folk like us. We can change our clothes and look like merchants, we can speak proper-like, but they will still only see us as thieving peasants. Every time she walks by, trying to pass as a commoner, she still manages to look at us like we’re the shit she wipes off her asshole. That’s what gives her away. That and the fact that I can smell noble cunt a mile away!” That brought a laugh from Cearl. “Thirteen years old and already acting like an ungrateful whore.”

You need to identify the person speaking here. I wasn't sure. The previous conversation was Cearl so I thought this was Alric but I wasn't sure. Down at the bottom of the paragraph Cearl spoke and talked about the girl being thirteen as he wet his lips.

I would say this instead:

"She’ll be here," Alric said. "It’s the only time she leaves her little castle. She doesn’t suspect anybody can see through her little farce. Spoiled little bitch. I don’t care how old she or any other bitch is; women will always look down on folk like us. We can change our clothes and look like merchants, we can speak proper-like, but they will still only see us as thieving peasants. Every time she walks by, trying to pass as a commoner, she still manages to look at us like we’re the shit she wipes off her asshole. That’s what gives her away. That and the fact that I can smell noble cunt a mile away!”

Cearl laughed. “Thirteen years old and already acting like an ungrateful whore.”

I think this story could be quite good with fairly minimal work. Of course this is just a snippet and not a story at this point.

 

[jomar]

“You see ‘er?” Alric muttered as liquor spilled out the side of his dry mouth...

Got to run and my interweb connection is off and on anyway, but the first sentence sort of jolted me and I had to start over. My thought was if he's got liquor in his mouth it isn't dry. I'll try to get back to it.

 

[JamesSD]

Just a general comment: To me, Alric is an extremely dislikable character after this passage. He's crass, misgynistic, and presumably involved in some sort of quasi-legal or illegal "business". Assuming he's the protagonist, redeeming him into someone likeable will definitely be a challenge, but does give room for growth and change.

Mechanically the writing seems solid, although repeating Horsa, the thief in the first two paragraphs is redundant.

 

[Masadoni]

Thank you for your praise and pointing out my mistakes.

To the person who was assuming that Alric is the protagonist, he is not. I am writing a story from many different view points. Some of the view points may be people like him who are intriguing but by no means are good people. They are good characters, but will be hated and intriguing at the same time. None of my characters will be "good" or "evil." That will be for the reader to decide. They are just people. At least that is what I hope to show. I will post more soon but I would like more response from that snippet. Anyone know a non-erotica site where I could post this for criticism?

 

[Masadoni]

Got to run and my interweb connection is off and on anyway, but the first sentence sort of jolted me and I had to start over. My thought was if he's got liquor in his mouth it isn't dry. I'll try to get back to it.

If your mouth is dry and you wet your pallet with liquor and it is spilling out of your mouth, your mouth will still feel dry. Try it. Alcohol does not quench thirst unless you are wasted. lol. Does anyone agree with me on this? Or does it not make sense?

 

[Krinein]

After reading other opinions I'd add that I think you use a lot of unnecessary redundancy. Examples:
- scraggly, unkempt beard
- hand hung freely, swinging non-challantly

Scraggly or unkempt would suffice and I'd keep swinging non-challantly and dump hung freely.

Also, a word of advice. When seeking honest criticism as your thread title suggested, there is rarely a need to respond to a persons opinion other than to simply say thank you for your POV or to ask for clarifications. Your address to JamesSD as "To the person who was assuming …" seems contrary to your commitment to, and appreciation of honest criticism.

 

[MarshAlien]

If your mouth is dry and you wet your pallet with liquor and it is spilling out of your mouth, your mouth will still feel dry. Try it. Alcohol does not quench thirst unless you are wasted. lol. Does anyone agree with me on this? Or does it not make sense?

It doesn't make sense to me. Even if it doesn't quench your thirst, it still wets your mouth. In any event, it is a distraction, something I think you need to guard against in your otherwise interesting story. For example, you describe Alric's hand hanging freely, and swinging nonchalantly about his waist. If my hand is hanging freely, it's going to be a good bit lower than my waist. If it's swinging at the level of my waist, it's because I've got my elbow cocked and am holding it there. And why do I care if it's his favorite flask, when you don't bring it up again. Details like this aren't bad, but where they make the reader think about something other than your storyline, you ought to consider replacing them.

You need to devote a little more time to deciding about your characters' voices. Saying "it’s not as though she can help it" makes Cearl sound fairly educated, unlike, say, "it ain't her fault." "Just like we can’t help we was born lowly" has exactly the opposite effect. "These street whores are nothing that can satisfy it" doesn't sound natural, like the more simple "these street whores can't satisfy it."

Finally, you need to clear up your own idioms. "The thrill of taking ones innocence" - to what does "one" refer? "Business was just a cover up" - do you mean a cover?

I think that with some more work on your part and a good editor, you have the beginning of an entertaining story. But I think you do need both.

 

[_Lynn_]

You have a lot of feedback here already and I'm not adding any.

I only question the age.

 

[Masadoni]

Thank you everyone for your opinions, comments, and help. I value everyones posts very much.

I only question the age.

This story is not going to be erotica so I do not consider the age to be a problem. To be more specific, this scene sets up events that will trigger others, and his perversion is important to the plot, but not the driving force.

I am going to change the first sentence because about 75% of people who have read this agree that it does not make sense. So thank you for the input and feel free to keep the comments coming. I will post the next part of the snippet in the near future so if you are interested make sure to check the thread.

Thank you