Speedylinks2015
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Looking for help with sex life....
- Thread starter Speedylinks2015
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TreshaJesuil
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SundayGirl23
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Oh honey, I feel for you. Aside from oral sex, does she enjoy ANY KIND of sex at all? Even a little bit? Has she expressed what she does like?
It's late and I'm rambling (aka possibly talking out of my ass), but it could simply be a getting older/low (or no) energy issue. Plus at the end of the day, three kids are bound to suck any sexual impulse out of you. Perhaps a visit to her doctor for bloodwork might be needed. Her hormone levels could be off. There could be an underlying thyroid issue.
You wrote that she had sex in the past to boost her self-esteem and feel good about herself. It could be that her self-esteem is once again being called into question. As far as oral sex, maybe she feels that she's not up to snuff down there: She could be worried about the smell, the appearance, what you'll possibly say, etc.
Maybe - if you haven't already - by asking her what she does enjoy in bed and what she's willing to to, it will lead to pleasurable sex ... and possible oral sex. Good luck.
It's late and I'm rambling (aka possibly talking out of my ass), but it could simply be a getting older/low (or no) energy issue. Plus at the end of the day, three kids are bound to suck any sexual impulse out of you. Perhaps a visit to her doctor for bloodwork might be needed. Her hormone levels could be off. There could be an underlying thyroid issue.
You wrote that she had sex in the past to boost her self-esteem and feel good about herself. It could be that her self-esteem is once again being called into question. As far as oral sex, maybe she feels that she's not up to snuff down there: She could be worried about the smell, the appearance, what you'll possibly say, etc.
Maybe - if you haven't already - by asking her what she does enjoy in bed and what she's willing to to, it will lead to pleasurable sex ... and possible oral sex. Good luck.
Speedylinks2015
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Speedylinks2015
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TreshaJesuil
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nfrrdscnnr1
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feel
I FEEL for you and have a couple of thoughts. Your experience brings to mind some of my own history. [SIGH]
My first thought is that your wife learned some very unfortunate and wrong things as a child. It is probably fairly confounding but basically she learned that she, as a person, does not matter to others at all and her behavior is somehow in compensation for that terribly unfortunate and wrong lesson.
As a possible example, a lady of my acquaintance was raped as a youngster and as an adult, it appears, she got her "rewards" through sex. Twisted thinking of course but . . .
My second thought is that therapy may well be the bet chance your wife has of un-learning the wrong lessons and learning to function in your marriage. This will probably not be a simple nor quick "fix" but it IS possible. As it is, she was somehow abused, and never saw, nor learned how adults function in life and is flailing around doing her best to get her needs satisfied in any way she can.
PM if it makes sense to you. Good luck.
I FEEL for you and have a couple of thoughts. Your experience brings to mind some of my own history. [SIGH]
My first thought is that your wife learned some very unfortunate and wrong things as a child. It is probably fairly confounding but basically she learned that she, as a person, does not matter to others at all and her behavior is somehow in compensation for that terribly unfortunate and wrong lesson.
As a possible example, a lady of my acquaintance was raped as a youngster and as an adult, it appears, she got her "rewards" through sex. Twisted thinking of course but . . .
My second thought is that therapy may well be the bet chance your wife has of un-learning the wrong lessons and learning to function in your marriage. This will probably not be a simple nor quick "fix" but it IS possible. As it is, she was somehow abused, and never saw, nor learned how adults function in life and is flailing around doing her best to get her needs satisfied in any way she can.
PM if it makes sense to you. Good luck.
Speedylinks2015
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Que
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It s counterintuitive so you will (probably) ignore this advice, but you are (with the best of intentions) way overdoing the comfort/support side of the relationship. You are coming from a place that if you are only even more kind, more, loving, more supportive, more understanding, she will come around. She won't. Forget Disney, women are not wired that way.
Imagine you found yourself attracted to a woman in the bar who is not showing any particular signs that she wants to sleep with you. Can you imagine any level of offers of flowers, massages, chores, and flattery that would magically make her horny? Ridiculous on its face.
For whatever reason your wife is not sexually attracted to you. she is not craving your approval like she did with the 20 guys she slept with before you. You need to make her crave your approval. I understand that that is not in your nature and is not what you wish to do but do you wish her to be attracted or not?
She obviously has esteem issues and that is not your doing and it's not something that you can fix she may get some help with that from counseling but that is not something that you can concentrate focus on or repair.
Work on you. Work on being attractive. Do manly shit. Assume this gets worse and all ends in tears. (Yes, I understand you don't want that, can't picture that. It is still likely for most, those in your situation, more so) if this all ends in tears, what needs to be different about you to make it even possible for you to get out there and date? Be that guy. Whoever that guy is for you.
The more attractive you are to other women the more likely that it is going to trigger her feelings of wanting to be sexual. Just because she says that she did not enjoy sex physiologically doesn't mean that she was not getting something emotionally and psychologically out of being a little needy nymphomaniac when she was single.
As far as the sex... it is on offer...take it. On your terms. If you know that she's repulsed by oral sex I probably wouldn't be too insistent about that however there are plenty of things that you can do to make her be somewhat compliant and not starfish on you doesn't matter what it is but make her do things so that she is being led and feels like she's being led, It can be simple as directing her to what position you're going to fuck her in. Whatever it takes, lead her and for god's sake don't grovel.
Strongly recommend Athol Kaye. You're a prime candidate for his advice. Don't put any of this off. Time is not your friend. In 10 years you'll be talking about having obligatory sex every other month. It's not good for you it's not good for her it's not good for the relationship it's not good for the kids. Fix this.
Imagine you found yourself attracted to a woman in the bar who is not showing any particular signs that she wants to sleep with you. Can you imagine any level of offers of flowers, massages, chores, and flattery that would magically make her horny? Ridiculous on its face.
For whatever reason your wife is not sexually attracted to you. she is not craving your approval like she did with the 20 guys she slept with before you. You need to make her crave your approval. I understand that that is not in your nature and is not what you wish to do but do you wish her to be attracted or not?
She obviously has esteem issues and that is not your doing and it's not something that you can fix she may get some help with that from counseling but that is not something that you can concentrate focus on or repair.
Work on you. Work on being attractive. Do manly shit. Assume this gets worse and all ends in tears. (Yes, I understand you don't want that, can't picture that. It is still likely for most, those in your situation, more so) if this all ends in tears, what needs to be different about you to make it even possible for you to get out there and date? Be that guy. Whoever that guy is for you.
The more attractive you are to other women the more likely that it is going to trigger her feelings of wanting to be sexual. Just because she says that she did not enjoy sex physiologically doesn't mean that she was not getting something emotionally and psychologically out of being a little needy nymphomaniac when she was single.
As far as the sex... it is on offer...take it. On your terms. If you know that she's repulsed by oral sex I probably wouldn't be too insistent about that however there are plenty of things that you can do to make her be somewhat compliant and not starfish on you doesn't matter what it is but make her do things so that she is being led and feels like she's being led, It can be simple as directing her to what position you're going to fuck her in. Whatever it takes, lead her and for god's sake don't grovel.
Strongly recommend Athol Kaye. You're a prime candidate for his advice. Don't put any of this off. Time is not your friend. In 10 years you'll be talking about having obligatory sex every other month. It's not good for you it's not good for her it's not good for the relationship it's not good for the kids. Fix this.
kisschampagne
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Speedylinks2015
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simplegirl
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Soooo.....you're supposed to "hang in there" so that "maybe", "perhaps" "hopefully" you'll be able to spend time together in 16 years??? How does this make sense? She's telling you that she's lied about her desire for you and essentially used you for sperm and self-esteem for all this time (although something rings false about that statement). That's a hard blow to take.
It sounds like she's saying things guaranteed to distance you and maybe even trying, in a way, to get you to leave. Something else is going on here. This feels like just a surface issue. The real issue is buried underneath the stuff she's saying. It doesn't feel right.
I would think that the thing to do would be to go to marriage counselling. Find a good counsellor and if she refuses to accompany you, go alone. There's obviously other things going one that she may not be verbalising and there are things you obviously need to think through and having a professional, objective ear can really help.
Speedylinks2015
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