Looking for help with 1st half of a story

[wxpprnpprnt]

I'm looking for help (more feedback than detailed editing at this point) with *half* of a story.

-It's about 4,000 words


-It's the lead-up section to a sequel to this story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/unveiling-lina-abbas

It's about an affair between a religious Arab immigrant wife and a hedonistic white male neighbor. The affair was started in the first story using the well-worn blackmail mechanism but I'm trying to make a (relatively) more realistic version than what I'd seen.

-I'm looking for advice about pacing, relative general plausibility, psychological plausibility, clarity. I've rewritten it out completely a few times. I would like to know if the lead-up is working before I write the rest of it (again).

-I don't care too much about perfect grammar and typos, I intend to crack down on those things once the entire story is laid out and stabilized.

If anyone is interested in having a look and giving your two cents, I'd appreciate it. Thank you!

 

[SynSlave]

Well, since noone's responded yet--I read the posted story even though the subject material isn't generally my cup of tea.

Okay... I realize you aren't looking for editing help per say, but I have to say the sentence structure and grammar really hurts the flow. So I'm happy to read that you plan on addressing that later, because it'll certainly help overall.

Now... as far as plausibility...

At first I thought it was reminiscent of really corny porno (neighbor returning a broken/fixed laptop while the husband is out of the country is today's plumber?). Which would have been fine. A lot of people like short "fixes". And I'd be lying if I didn't laugh and enjoy corny porn. But it went from
- computer guy brings laptop over
To
- computer guy blackmails conservative wife into having sex (fine so far)
To
- wife cries in resignation (ok...)
To
- computer guy hands crying wife a tissue, she feels better, then he tells her to undress (what the...)

I'm well aware of the Stockholm syndrome theme but I've never seen it occur during a few minutes of conversation. If it's meant to be fun and sexy then don't add the melodrama. And if you want illicit and morally controversial implications then you'll have to provide more build up then a knock at the door, usb sticks and a tissue. You've got a decent rating because affairs are pretty popular but ask yourself if you want a quick contentious romp or a dramatic, analyzed and thought provoking affair with long term repercussions. Because it starts off as the former, and switches to the latter in less time than it took for Jason to undress. There's potential in your story either way.

Aside from the abrupt 180 in the plot, Jason isn't written very well. I get the traditional Muslim woman. In fact, learned something new since I had to Google to discover waxing wasn't haram (wasn't surprised I was wrong since Islam isn't a strong area of mine). You wrote her very well. But I didn't even realize Jason was supposed to be a white American until page 2 because his dialogue screams Americanized Muslim instead. White male Americans don't generally talk about how they're godless sinners in regular conversation (not even Eastern Orthodox Christians or Roman Catholics). You won't find many of them getting excited about pants that show off ankle either. I'm sure there's a few judging by all the other fetishes I've read about but "well hung, white computer savy neighbor with tattoos" doesn't invoke that type of image.

I get the sense that writing from that perspective (white male American) isn't your forte, and if that's the case then congrats on taking a shot at it. But you you can definitely improve in that area.

Hope this helps and if you'd like me to take a look at part two I will. If it doesn't help then hopefully someone else will come along.