Looking for guidance

[obeisant]

First of all, I would like to be up front and let everyone here know that this is an alternate name for me on lit. I used to post elsewhere on the forums under another name, and though I have not posted in quite some months, I did not want to post the issues I am going to be asking about under my first name. I also do not want anyone to think that I am in any way trying to scam anyone. I just have questions and am looking for a little discretion. I just wanted to be open about that up front.

So, why am I looking for guidance? My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship, and will be for at least one more year, possibly two, but I have every confidence that this is going to last.

We've been doing some D/s play in the bedroom, and I love it. I know that he loves that I love it, but I'm definitely the party more interested in exploring it in more depth. I've recently become almost obsessed about acquiring information about BDSM online. My fantasies have broadened in scope, and I would like for my real experiences to broaden as well. The problem is that I'm still a bit afraid that I want to take our relationship further into this lifestyle than he would be comfortable with. It's funny because in every other area of our relationship I can be completely open, honest, and forthcoming, but I'm very nervous about having an in depth discussion with him about it.

Also, maybe this is a screwed up attitude, but as I am the submissive one in the bedroom, I sometimes want him to take the initiative to test my limits without me asking him to. Of course, I've never told him this, and I truly don't know how to tell him this.

In addition, there is so much information out there about BDSM that I think I've read myself into a nearly confused state.

In other words, I'm wanting to explore BDSM more fully, but I'm feeling a little lost.

Help?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

We can't help you.

Talk to HIM. In depth, in detail.

How in the world do you think he's going to know what you want or need if you don't? Osmosis? Telepathy? Trust me hon, neither one works.

What's the worst that can happen? You find out NOW that you aren't D/s compatible instead of 2 - 3 - 5 years down the road with all the wasted energy and effort.

What's the best that can happen? With your encoragement and suport he comes to accept he can go a lot farther, a lot deeper, a lot more intense than _HE_ thought was possible with you, and he unleashes his inner Dom and you both get the brass ring.

It's okay to be afraid. That's normal. But don't let it keep you from doing what needs to be done for the long term success of the relationship. Keeping your mouth shut is only going to make it WORSE, not better.

Nuff Said.

 

[obeisant]

You know, I get that. I do. In my brain everything looks pretty clear. I just don't know for a second how to bring up the topic without completely overwhelming him or making him feel as though I am in any way unsatisfied, because I'm not. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to do it in a clumsy, blunt way. Especially considering that I really know so very little about BDSM as a lifestyle myself.

 

[Ebonyfire]

We can't help you.

Talk to HIM. In depth, in detail.

How in the world do you think he's going to know what you want or need if you don't? Osmosis? Telepathy? Trust me hon, neither one works.

What's the worst that can happen? You find out NOW that you aren't D/s compatible instead of 2 - 3 - 5 years down the road with all the wasted energy and effort.

What's the best that can happen? With your encoragement and suport he comes to accept he can go a lot farther, a lot deeper, a lot more intense than _HE_ thought was possible with you, and he unleashes his inner Dom and you both get the brass ring.

It's okay to be afraid. That's normal. But don't let it keep you from doing what needs to be done for the long term success of the relationship. Keeping your mouth shut is only going to make it WORSE, not better.

Nuff Said.

I totally agree with EG.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

You know, I get that. I do. In my brain everything looks pretty clear. I just don't know for a second how to bring up the topic without completely overwhelming him or making him feel as though I am in any way unsatisfied, because I'm not. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to do it in a clumsy, blunt way. Especially considering that I really know so very little about BDSM as a lifestyle myself.

Then it's time to start educating yourself AND him.

While you might find some useful information online, most of what you will find is porn designed to be wanking material. Fun to masterbate to and fuel your fantasies, damnably lousey crap to build real relationships with real people off of. Get real books by real people who live this lifestyle.

From Mystic Rose Books:
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller & Devon

From Greenery Press:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
SM: 101 by Jay Wiseman

From Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble:
Different Loving by Brame, Brame and Jacobs

From Daedalus Publishing
The Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin
slavecraft by Guy Baldwin

If I had to narrow it down to 3 and in what order for you and your partner:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
Screw the Roses
flip a coin between The New Topping or The New Bottoming...

And find a local BDSM education and support group. To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:
SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html
Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/
The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

Hope that helps!

 

[myinnerslut]

when A and i were learning together, we used things like journals, e-mails, checklists, etc to make communication a little easier at first. if you have trouble speaking to him about something over the phone or in person, try writing it out, it could be easier.

 

[obeisant]

Thank you for all the information. We had a very good talk tonight, and I learned that he's been thinking in a similar direction as I have, but just was going to broach the subject when we're together next week.

We're going to get at least one of the books and look at it together.

The nice thing about lit is that I knew I could come here, ask my questions and be given good advice in a respectful manner. You don't know how much I appreciate that.

Thanks again.

 

[nh23]

You know, I get that. I do. In my brain everything looks pretty clear. I just don't know for a second how to bring up the topic without completely overwhelming him or making him feel as though I am in any way unsatisfied, because I'm not. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to do it in a clumsy, blunt way. Especially considering that I really know so very little about BDSM as a lifestyle myself.

One thing that i have done on occasion is find valuable information on something that interests me and then email it to him. That breaks the ice a bit and then if it's something he wishes to try we both have a place to start.

 

[wenchhh]

EG, sometimes (ok, most of the time) you just give the BEST advice. Kindly... succintly.... supportively.... constructively. I think it's time to officially be outted, me not you. I'm thinking your bark is worse than your bite, and even your bite must be devine! Lucky Lucky Janey! (please tell her I said so, tho I'm sure she knows)

We can't help you.

Talk to HIM. In depth, in detail.

How in the world do you think he's going to know what you want or need if you don't? Osmosis? Telepathy? Trust me hon, neither one works.

What's the worst that can happen? You find out NOW that you aren't D/s compatible instead of 2 - 3 - 5 years down the road with all the wasted energy and effort.

What's the best that can happen? With your encoragement and suport he comes to accept he can go a lot farther, a lot deeper, a lot more intense than _HE_ thought was possible with you, and he unleashes his inner Dom and you both get the brass ring.

It's okay to be afraid. That's normal. But don't let it keep you from doing what needs to be done for the long term success of the relationship. Keeping your mouth shut is only going to make it WORSE, not better.

Nuff Said.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

when A and i were learning together, we used things like journals, e-mails, checklists, etc to make communication a little easier at first. if you have trouble speaking to him about something over the phone or in person, try writing it out, it could be easier.

Another thing that has worked well for Daddy and I is to chat on Yahoo messenger, even if we're sitting in the same room (that's where our computers are). A lot of times it is just easier to type things out than to actually say them, no one can overhear you for one thing (like children, or others in the house) and it is just less embarrassing to me.