Looking for Feedback

[moooose]

Hey, I've written my first story and would like to get some feedback!

It's been up for a few days and has a 4.01 rating, so I'm pleased with that, but some feedback would be helpful.

It's in the erotic couplings section and involves an older man giving a ride home to a couple of younger women.

http://www.literotica.com/s/i-only-went-for-a-walk

Thanks!

 

[PennLady]

I just read your story. I thought it was fine; it didn't do much for me, but then I don't think I was the target audience, so that's okay.

Your pacing, spelling and all of that is fine.

The story itself I found pretty unrealistic. Ten o'clock at night is pretty late to be going for a walk just about anywhere, even during daylight savings time, but okay. The rest of it just didn't work for me.

Why would these girls give their keys to a complete stranger? More importantly, why would he take them? Why wouldn't he ask for their names or suggest he call someone for them? After all, they're in their 20s, not teenagers, so presumably they don't have to worry about getting in trouble with their parents. Also, they are so drunk they pass out in the car within minutes, yet one is coherent enough to give directions?

If our hero is so gallant, why did he not put the seat belt on the girl in the front? I can buy not putting it on the girl in the back, but this guy is young enough to have had seat belt safety beaten into his head, no doubt. I realize this prevents her from falling over into his lap, but still. Also, to just "fall over" into his lap with her head in his crotch -- wow, what luck.

Like I said, in terms of technicals this wasn't bad, although I did see some errors, like a misplaced quotation mark and things like that. Also like I said, I'm sure this will work for someone in terms of arousal and excitement.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hey, I've written my first story and would like to get some feedback!

It's been up for a few days and has a 4.01 rating, so I'm pleased with that, but some feedback would be helpful.

It's in the erotic couplings section and involves an older man giving a ride home to a couple of younger women.

http://www.literotica.com/s/i-only-went-for-a-walk

Thanks!

Some proofreading issues: a couple of misplaced quote marks, and a couple of sentences missing capitals at the start, but nothing major. "Diffuse" should be "defuse".

Beyond that, I agree with PL. I'm not your target audience, but IMHO the best stories are the ones that create some sort of tension about what's going to happen - even if the reader knows the hero's going to get lucky by the end, they want to know how that comes about. This one is pretty much "I met two drunk girls and they both wanted to suck my cock so I let them" - it's a bit hard to swallow (har har) and that may break suspension of disbelief.

Some of your readers might also be disappointed that it only went as far as blowjobs, but I'm not sure what the expectations are in EC about that sort of things.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Based on my fund of experiences with drunk women his story is the real deal.

I too walk late in the evening, less traffic, no dogs.

 

[moooose]

Hey, thanks for your comments. I will keep them in mind for possible future stories. I hadn't thought in terms of a target audience or avoiding holes in the story.

I do, however, take walks later at night and I have taken a drunk girl home without knowing her name. We met at the jail because her boyfriend was spending the night there for a DWI and she was stranded. Maybe I should have incorporated that!

Anyway, thanks again, you brought up several things I hadn't thought of.

 

[PennLady]

Hey, thanks for your comments. I will keep them in mind for possible future stories. I hadn't thought in terms of a target audience or avoiding holes in the story.

I do, however, take walks later at night and I have taken a drunk girl home without knowing her name. We met at the jail because her boyfriend was spending the night there for a DWI and she was stranded. Maybe I should have incorporated that!

Anyway, thanks again, you brought up several things I hadn't thought of.

I'm not sure we're saying that you actually need to think in terms of a target audience. At least not all the time. If you have a story, then tell it, and you can figure out the audience later, or not worry about it and the audience will find it.

I also think that just about any story premise can be made believable if the author lays the foundation. For example, it occurred to me that your story might have been more believable if it had been set in a different decade. I've never heard of a Dodge Polara, for example, so perhaps they didn't last or weren't that popular. But in the late 60s/early 70s, perhaps they were more numerous.

You want her to fall over into his lap, so you need a car with bench seats, and name a model (and I really don't know how popular or whatever this model was) that I have to wonder if a 20-something female in the '00s or '10s would have heard of, let alone own. So it works for the story but feels forced. Like, wow, how lucky is this 50-something guy that these girls have his teenage car?!? Most 20-something women would probably have small, compact cars these days.

It also seems to me that people might have been less wary of strangers years ago, which would take the edge off that situation. And this is something I kind of struggle with myself at times. I don't have a smart phone, and so often forget to put them in a story, even though it's likely my characters would have one. I still do most of my work at computers, and so tend to think of my characters doing that, even when it's more likely that some of them would forego that and communicate via a tablet or phone, that kind of thing.

Yes, meeting the girl at the police station would have made an interesting start to the story.

 

[CeasarBoobage]

As a quick stroker story, it was pretty good. A few others have pointed out the only couple of typo/grammar issues, but they were minor.

The category of 'mature' may have been more appropriate, but it's fine as-is also. The tags were good (important IMHO), but the description line I think was too vague.

The only things that bugged me were:
--I felt it could have used a bit more detail in a few places. It felt a bit detached, especially hen describing how the guy was groping the girls.
--The 'realistic factor' was way off. The payment for a ride was one thing, but his wife's reaction made me laugh.

Overall still a good quick read, and I rated it well.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm not sure we're saying that you actually need to think in terms of a target audience. At least not all the time. If you have a story, then tell it, and you can figure out the audience later, or not worry about it and the audience will find it.

I also think that just about any story premise can be made believable if the author lays the foundation. For example, it occurred to me that your story might have been more believable if it had been set in a different decade. I've never heard of a Dodge Polara, for example, so perhaps they didn't last or weren't that popular. But in the late 60s/early 70s, perhaps they were more numerous.

You want her to fall over into his lap, so you need a car with bench seats, and name a model (and I really don't know how popular or whatever this model was) that I have to wonder if a 20-something female in the '00s or '10s would have heard of, let alone own. So it works for the story but feels forced. Like, wow, how lucky is this 50-something guy that these girls have his teenage car?!? Most 20-something women would probably have small, compact cars these days.

It also seems to me that people might have been less wary of strangers years ago, which would take the edge off that situation. And this is something I kind of struggle with myself at times. I don't have a smart phone, and so often forget to put them in a story, even though it's likely my characters would have one. I still do most of my work at computers, and so tend to think of my characters doing that, even when it's more likely that some of them would forego that and communicate via a tablet or phone, that kind of thing.

Yes, meeting the girl at the police station would have made an interesting start to the story.

I think his story is totally plausible and realistic, based on my experiences with drunk girls and women. Plenty of women own 60s vintage cars, theyre common around here. I bought my daughter one when she started driving in the 90s. My sons wife has a early Mustang convertible, 65 I think.

Looking online, seems like there are plenty of Polaras still around. Its a pussified version of the Dodge Challenger Muscle Car.

 

[moooose]

Thanks again PennLady, you obviously put a lot of thought into your comments and I appreciate that! I think we all probably fall into the trap of thinking others know what we know.

 

[moooose]

Thanks to you, too, Ceasar. I probably should have taken more time in a few areas. I guess the excitement of writing a story and getting it submitted outweighed spending a little extra effort.

 

[joelafayette]

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