Looking for feedback

[ole_grouch_1124]

I just had my first story published and the link is below. I would appreciate any feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=453329

Thanks.

 

[euterpe410]

I'm not a fan of incest, so I won't critique it from that point of view.

But what I did find extremely confusing and difficult to read was that you kept changing POVs each paragraph while writing in first person. It's difficult to get into the rhythm of a story as a reader if you're having to constantly readjust your thought process to figure out which character is the current voice.

Third person POV makes it much easier to change focus for the reader if you want to switch between two different characters. Either that, or pick one character (mother or son) and write from their first person POV throughout. It's just too confusing otherwise IMO.

Good luck

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well... the story is confusing. In the first paragraph "I" lements college and was glad to be leaving. "I" had no friends and could not deal at all with the opposite sex without babbling like an idiot.

But in paragraph 5 "I" met John in college and got married. Which was is it? You can't have it both ways.

You have paragraphs that are 16 to 20 screen lines long. That in itself will get you back clicks. Paragraphs over 8 to 10 screen lines are hard to read.

I disagree with eutep410 in that it's not the POV that changes so much as the telling of the story changes. It's rather like this writer could not decide if he was telling a story or relating a personal incident.

Then I got to the bottom of the first page and found...

I started moaning louder. "Oh my God! Oh my God! A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!"

That did it for me. I do the screaming and moaning in humor, but this is not a humerous piece. Rendering the emotional and physical experience works much better. What you wrote here is pure cleche.

Nothing really very new or interesting here. Sorry.

 

[euterpe410]

Well... the story is confusing. In the first paragraph "I" lements college and was glad to be leaving. "I" had no friends and could not deal at all with the opposite sex without babbling like an idiot.

But in paragraph 5 "I" met John in college and got married. Which was is it? You can't have it both ways.

You have paragraphs that are 16 to 20 screen lines long. That in itself will get you back clicks. Paragraphs over 8 to 10 screen lines are hard to read.

I disagree with eutep410 in that it's not the POV that changes so much as the telling of the story changes. It's rather like this writer could not decide if he was telling a story or relating a personal incident.

But that's my point--the story is written in first person...but there are two characters telling the story from first person POV in alternating paragraphs. Waaaay too confusing for me, even after three cups of coffee...

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

But that's my point--the story is written in first person...but there are two characters telling the story from first person POV in alternating paragraphs. Waaaay too confusing for me, even after three cups of coffee...

That's okay. It has to be done, but this writer needs some device between changes to tell the reader the POV is changing. But I think the problem is deeper than just the POV change.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I just had my first story published and the link is below. I would appreciate any feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=453329

Thanks.

Although I think, in general, first person POV is best avoided, I do accept that in the hands of experienced writers it can be used to bring a personal and emotional focus. The way that is done is keeping in the same 1st person throughout as that requires ignorance of others' thoughts.

Here you write a typical 3rd person POV story and make us seasick and confused by switching constantly between two incompatible POVs. One paragraph ends with the son talking and the next starts unexplained with 'I' but it's now the mother. You can't do this.

If you want to be omniscient, you need to use 3rd party. The story could work in 1st person, but you must choose between the mother and the son. try thinking about your writing if the child had been a daughter.

Some authors have got round this by devoting different chapters to different characters personal stories, but these need to be clearly signposted so the reader knows who' 'talking' - which you don't do.

Also, you spoil most of the impact by telling everything in backstory, which is deadening. If you restructured - starting with the father's death - and worked forward with the developing story as mother and son came to terms in their own way with their loss - you could slowly suggest the burgeoning relationship, the growth of self-help, and use a lot more dialogue to show not tell the story.

 

[ole_grouch_1124]

Although I think, in general, first person POV is best avoided, I do accept that in the hands of experienced writers it can be used to bring a personal and emotional focus. The way that is done is keeping in the same 1st person throughout as that requires ignorance of others' thoughts.

Here you write a typical 3rd person POV story and make us seasick and confused by switching constantly between two incompatible POVs. One paragraph ends with the son talking and the next starts unexplained with 'I' but it's now the mother. You can't do this.

If you want to be omniscient, you need to use 3rd party. The story could work in 1st person, but you must choose between the mother and the son. try thinking about your writing if the child had been a daughter.

Some authors have got round this by devoting different chapters to different characters personal stories, but these need to be clearly signposted so the reader knows who' 'talking' - which you don't do.

Also, you spoil most of the impact by telling everything in backstory, which is deadening. If you restructured - starting with the father's death - and worked forward with the developing story as mother and son came to terms in their own way with their loss - you could slowly suggest the burgeoning relationship, the growth of self-help, and use a lot more dialogue to show not tell the story.

Thank you, and everyone, for their comments. I have received similar comments from other readers. It was never my intention to confuse or befuddle the reader and I apologize for that. I will be taking these points in consideration for my next story and hopefully come up with something that will be much easier to read and smoother flowing.