Looking for feedback

[187MDK]

OK, I know it sounds like fishing for compliments, but I just submitted my first story, and I am wondering what people think of it. It is titled "Another Blind Date" , and it is my first attempt at writing erotic lit.

I am hoping that I can pick up some pointers on what i did well, and not so well, and where i can improve in general.

Thanks everyone in advance.

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PS: The title is a link to the story.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, I think it's not bad for your first story - you've got a lot to work with, that's clear, but you've also got a lot to work on, I think.

I quite liked the structure of the story, and your prose is readable, but there were two major aspects of the piece that I particularly felt you needed to look at.

Firstly, you really really really need to SLOW DOWN.

Sure, it's a fantasy for a number of people around the world to meet someone and then have them immediately demand sex. That would be nice. Doesn't happen, but it would be nice. The thing is, the way you then progressed from the initial "let's have sex" moment was as if you just couldn't wait to get to the nitty-gritty. One moment they were home, the next kissing, the next he releases himself inside her. Sure, we all like the odd quickie, but reading this story, the way you rushed through the first part of the story made us think there was something seriously worth getting to. But it was all over in a few sentences.

This impatience of yours while writing seems to have affected other aspects of your story, particularly the characterisation. Because there was simply no time to go into any details about the characters, the couple just didn't attract much in the way of interest. I feel that if you slow down a little, relax, take your time, don't rush in a mad fury to get to the horizontal tango, you might just be able to explore the story and all its potential elements a little more.

The second aspect I felt needed looking at was the dialogue. It's great that there's plenty there - it helps the reader no end - but the trouble is, it seems really unnatural. If you read it aloud to yourself, you can hear it: people just don't talk like that to each other. Try saying the lines a couple of times, and see how it comes out of your mouth.

Anyway, keep writing, there's plenty of promise I think, you've just got to keep going.


Max.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Oh, and one last thing. That title.

'Another Blind Date'

That's one way of putting off readers from the start. It's like calling it 'One Of Those Stories You've Read Loads Of Already' or 'Nothing Special, Just A Couple Of Strangers Getting It On'.

You need a title with something in it to pull the reader in. The one you've chosen here just seems a little negative.

 

[187MDK]

THank you, I will take this into consideration on the next story..... I have never really tried writing before, and it jsut happened to come out one evening while I was sitting in front of the computer, and was tired of surfing.

I appreciate the constructive criticism, and hope to have something better to show for the next piece.

WIll keep y'all updated when the next story comes out.

187

 

[jon.hayworth]

187 MDK,
My guess is that you are feeling a bit roughed-up at the moment, I agree with most of the comments others have given you.

Now for a positive suggestion. Try writing your next story in the third person. You as the narrator become the all seeing, all knowing God who is looking down on everything. There is a lot of mileage in doing that, you can introduce a prime element of any story - CONFLICT!!! If you write in the first person, then you still need some conflict - the usual device is inner conflict.

Every story is a journey. Starts at point A and aims to get to the goal point X. On the way there are various setbacks and obstacles to overcome. Probably the simplest illustration of this is the ROAD MOVIE, in the road movie the journey is a physical journey and the obstacles are physical.

In your story there was a little conflict at the begining but then it faded. Imagine the fun you could have had with your character's mind if he had been engaged or married and his loved one had been out of town.

Anyway I am not the worlds best - take a look at the thread I initiated on Historical Fiction, but constructive criticism is the key to improving.

Keep on writing.

jon

 

[P. B. Walker]

heya 187MDK,

I thought I'd give a poke at this story as well, since I had a few minutes of free time today. I will agree with what others said, this was a good first attempt. I won't go into the story mechanics since others have touched on them already. I will make a couple comments about the dialogue you used in your story. Grammatically it looked pretty ok, but it makes it a lot easier to read if you put the dialogue in it's own paragraph all by itself. That way the speaking parts stand out. Also, the characters dialogue didn't sound totally natural to me. You might try having a friend read one part out loud, while you read the other part out loud (kind of like your rehearsing for a play or movie, etc), and you'll see that it's a bit awkward. Writing dialogue is very difficult sometimes. Imagine that you are writing the dialogue for a popular sitcom (like friends or something) and write it so it would come off believable.

The other thing, is that the story line seems to jump around a bit too much. Too many leaps from one place to the next without telling us what happened. It also didn't flow exactly well.

Like I said, great first attempt. I hope you keep at it. You will get better. I was in the same boat when I started. It definitely helps to read other author's stories and give feedback. The writer's resources on this site are also another great source of help. And if you have questions, you can also ask the people here. KillerMuffin is a great help if you ask her nicely. There are also several other people that give great help and advice... too many to name here.

Overall, I would rate your story a 3.8 out of 5.0.

- PBW

 

[Ray Dario]

My opinion

Okay, this is just my opinion.

First of all I think I know where you were with this story. I don't think you moved to fast because you were showing what kind of person this girl was. Yeah, I agree that in real life this wouldn't be very likely to happen, but you are writing fiction. In real life there is no such thing as "The Force" but George Lucus made it work so you can have a go get em slut puppy in your story if you want.

One thing that detracted from the story for me was the waffling. First you were talking about sex then about computers then about sex then about work all without really resolving anything. I felt that once you started talking about sex, then if the guy pressed forward talking about work the girl would have dropped him as a loser and made a play for someone with more on the ball.

Dialog. All of your characters sound the same. This is one of the most difficult aspects of writing, but if you can use different word sets for different speakers then your reader begins to form a clearer picture of the character in his/her mind.

One thing else, the story felt a little disorganized. I'm not sure exactly why, but that was the impression I got. Maybe you didn't have a clear idea of where the story was going to go or maybe you weren't sure how to get it there, so you rambled a bit and then it happened. I don't know, but it felt disorganized. One thing that helps me, and I've read that other writers use it too, is to write an outline of the story before starting the actual story. Then you can mess with the outline until it feels good before you begin and your story will reflect it. It's a little more work, but really can help. Also the outline doesn't have to be in outline form, maybe just a couple of paragraphs detailing the plot or whatever you are comfortable with.

Character development. This is another of the hardest things in writing short erotica, but it makes a big difference. Your character didn't grow during this story. You tried to show him as shy at first, but didn't explore that aspect of his personality enough then I think at the end you wanted to show him more aggressive, but once again it fell short. You could have made the story a little longer and taken a little time to explore and build your main character(s).

I agree with Mr. Hayworth. Try writing your next story in third person and use the new perspective to explore the world a little. To me perspective should be chosen very carefully for each story. I use first person if I really want to get the reader into the head of the main character and keep them there to the end. I use third person if I want to float around and show more than just the one person or if I want to maintain a little distance between the reader and the main character. I don't do second person. KillerMuffin is the only person I have ever seen do a successful second person and even she expresses a dislike for the perspective.

Okay, now I've ripped your story apart, sorry about that. Remember this is just my opinion and worth just a little less than what you paid for it. If you want to be a great writer, you can. Keep writing, go get a book on storytelling and really read it, and read read read, anything you can get your eyes on. Then write, write, write and soon you will get better and better.

Ray

 

[187MDK]

Thank you all for your input.

I am not discouraged by it, and am working on assimilating it so that the next story will be better.

I have started a new story, and am writing it in the third person this time, and working very hard not to rush through it. Only drawback is that it takes a lot longer

Will definately let you all know when it is done and ready to read.

187