Looking for feedback

[AJ_Watson]

Hey folks,

I am an inexperienced writer and would really like to improve. I am hopeful I can get advice on where to improve

I have written these stories :

The Legacy of Argus - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=330028

Redhorn - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367998

I know the concept of these stories will not be to everyone's taste and I think manyeyedhydra's comment on Redhorn that I waffle too much at the start is fair

Any thoughts anyone has will be much appreciated

 

[tickledkitty]

I read The Legacy of Argus, and while this is not really my cup of tea, as you said, you managed to draw me in, and I found myself continuing to read because I wanted to know what would happen. This is very well written, in spite of some strange paragraphing, which I think is probably some type of formatting error.

Are you continuing this story? It seems to be more of an intro to a larger novel rather than a short story that stands alone. I felt that some of the material was intentionally abbreviated but really could have been drawn out more if this was to be part of a larger work.

I wonder at your lengthy description of Scotland in the beginning. Though interesting, I'm not sure it is central to the plot of the story. I kept thinking that you would come back to that bit, but you never did. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you set up Scotland as an important aspect of the story, but other than being the location where your story begins, which, really, could have been anywhere, it doesn't really seem important.

The only other comment I can make is that in addition to the weird paragraph problem, some of the paragraphs are very long. You might want to break them up a bit.

Well done overall.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I know the concept of these stories will not be to everyone's taste and I think manyeyedhydra's comment on Redhorn that I waffle too much at the start is fair

I think most sci-fi and fantasy could do with a knife to the first few pages though

I think it's very easy to fall into the temptation to put in a big info-dump at the start setting up the world. For a short story I think it's better to start with the action and reveal more of the world as the story progresses. Both stories shaped up at the beginning to look like they were going to be much larger in scope and then collapsed to a conclusion far too quickly.

Argus got away with it because it had a nice twist that revealed just how much the narrator had screwed things up at the end. You could probably expand this out further. The story seems big enough.

Redhorn had too much exposition at the start for me. The story is the interaction between Ashlyn and Redhorn in a twisted form of sexual gladiatorial combat. The idea is really good, it needs to get their faster I think.

The story really starts near the end of the first page when he is about to enter the arena.

Why not start there?

In a couple of paragraphs after that you could explain how the corporations of this world are more like raiders and how a normal man like Redhorn came to be in this situation. That's the backdrop. We can pick out how low the value of human life has fallen from the crowd baying for blood.

The first exchange he makes with Ashlyn brings in the enhancements. That tells us that something was done to him, but he doesn't know what. Cue doubts as he remembers the doctors inducing a coma.

Later during the fight you bring up his wife and kids again, which reinforces his plight.

I think this way you could bring the reader in faster and still get across the richness of the weird world you've created.

I like your stuff though. Write more!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've read Argus and Redhorn, liked them both, and agree with TK and manyeyed.

There is some kind of edit problem in Argus that gets paras split by line breaks. If you submit in Word, you should check your line breaks, if not, try a resubmit under 'edit'.

With backlit rolling text on the net, readers can only take short paragraphs - best shorter than 8 lines. Also, you break convention in having more than one 'thought' per para. For example, I would split up the start of Redhorn as;

They struck swiftly, with brutal efficiency. One moment the old man was hobbling along the pitted surface of the alley with only scurrying rats for company and the next he was set upon by hooded assailants. They did not bother to demand anything from him; they preferred to take things by force. A few frenzied seconds later the old man lay on the broken concrete, blood pooling around his head.

Crouched in the shadow of a burnt-out hovercar Jack Redhorn watched them search through his pockets for anything of value. One of the gang produced a half-eaten ration bar and whooped in delight. That was what they did this for? A scrap of food he would have given them anyway?

Jack stayed perfectly still until the rabble had left the alley and was getting up to leave when a terrible thought struck him. The old man's jacket was thick and in good condition, he couldn't have been living here long. His own was threadbare and ragged.
Walking over to him he made another unpleasant discovery. The old man wasn't dead. Jack was no doctor but he could tell a stricken man when he saw one.

An agonising moment passed as he stared down at the twitching, gurgling form before him.

manyeyed and TK commented that there was too much 'prologue' and then the action gets hurried. I agree.

With sci-fi, I think you have to drop the reader in the action and explain things as you need to. The stuff about Scotland in Argus would have been better peppered through the text and the start being as action-packed as Redhorn.

I like your writing and your plots. The problem I have is with pacing. Start by jumping in, build faster and faster to a denouement, then give us a final moment to catch our breath.

Great stuff - I particularly liked Argus.

Elle

 

[AJ_Watson]

Thanks to each of you for your thoughts

I hadn't looked over the publish Argus as it appears on the site before which was a bit silly of me

The comments on pacing are very helpful. I did fall into the trap of laying out rules for the story world before actually getting into the events. That's a useful thing for me to keep in mind when I write my next one


Thanks again

 

[AJ_Watson]

I went away and wrote some more stories with the advice offered here in mind :


Artemis - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372954

Divine Intervention - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=374132

Tom's Trial - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=375276

Spoils of War - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=376413


These have on the whole been received better but I haven't collected many suggestions on where I can improve further. So once again I would very much appreciate any advice or criticism anyone can offer me

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi, glad to see you're getting some more stories out there.

I like a good succubus tale so obviously I enjoyed Spoils of War. There was a section at the start that felt a little superfluous though. You set up a sadistic little torturer (ess?), but the character played no further part in the story, which was a little confusing.

I liked the little twist at the end.

I would have like more rules behind the wizard's duels in Artemis. The politics and powers seemed a little vague. I think you did a good job of making the main character smug enough that his downfall felt satisfying.

The angel story was different. From the main character's name i thought I was in another fantasy story, but that was cleared up fairly quickly. This was probably the strongest of the ones I read despite it not having any of your usual femme fatales. The pacing felt more even - less padding at the start, ending not rushed.

I don't read incest so I gave Tom's trial a miss.

Keep up the good work!

 

[caprine]

Hey folks,

I am an inexperienced writer and would really like to improve. I am hopeful I can get advice on where to improve

I have written these stories :

The Legacy of Argus - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=330028

Redhorn - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367998

I know the concept of these stories will not be to everyone's taste and I think manyeyedhydra's comment on Redhorn that I waffle too much at the start is fair

Any thoughts anyone has will be much appreciated

I can give you the URL for a site that is for authors to critique one another's erotic writings. Several regulars on there will do an in-depth and I mean, in-depth critique. I learned a lot on that site as a virgin author.

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...I feel more alive when I’m writing than I do at any other time—except when I’m making love. Two things when you forget time, when nothing exists except the moment—the moment of writing, the moment of love. That perfect concentration is bliss.”
- May Sarton