Looking for feedback

[JoshuaGlynn]

Hey folks I have a novel that I'm submitting and would like some feedback.

First off, just two pieces of heads up. This is a Bisexual story, that eventually walks the line of incest... what I mean is that is, approaches it, walks on the line a bit, but doesn't actually cross it. The second is that this story has a bit of a scifi/paranormal feel to it. Now the setting is real world, and I have been told that I grounded it well, but I'll let you be the judge.

It is the first book in a series called Gifted, and is entitled Soulmates.

I currently have the prolog and the first three chapters up.

Here is a list of this story, and my Short Story Acceptance (a true story of my first gay/bi experience)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=913817&page=submissions

Let me know what you think

Thanks,

Joshua

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Joshua

You'd do a lot better posting this thread in the 'Story Feedback' forum. The AH is mainly a gossip shop and the SF is more story reviews.

I will go take a look and thanks for the link.

Elle

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Josh, I'm back but I'd better be quick cos a turkey awaits.

Overall, you write very well, a good sense of character, description and plot. As a general comment, your dialogue is sometimes a bit stilted. You need to be a lot more informal.

Acceptance

I really enjoyed it. The text could do with a bit more proofreading to pick up some typos, wrong capitilizations and so forth, but they are not really distracting.

Ellipses (those three little dots...) are not pauses, they should represent unfinished dialogue or story. I know sometimes it seems in Romance paperbacks ellipses are used as hesitations, but it is bad grammar. Try dashes, interjections like 'err' etc. You can finish one bit of dialogue with a dash, then get an interruption from the listener, then carry on.

This story deserved the pink H but I think it fell a bit short because you told the tale too remotely.

There is nothing wrong with writing in first person - in fact it really helps develop the emotions of the main character - but you must keep the reader in the middle of the action.

You have too much of the history, sort of telling a tale round the camp fire, to get the reader feeling they are in the middle of the action. Please, never write a story where you suddenly talk to the reader. 'You may understand what I was doing,' (not your words), puts your audience at an immediate distance from you.

I suppose I mean that you write this story in a bit of a school essay way - what I did as I grew up. Given the same characterization and plot, you could have made it more immediate.

In a rush now, will come back tomorrow on your Gifted series (great idea).

Just don't repeat the same bit of the story (like Josh's fight) several times and be careful how you play with POV.

A pretty great start,

Elle