Looking for feedback . . .

[daj8577]

Hey there,
I'm looking for some general feed back on my serial novel "Seeking Twilight" posted on Lit. It's a non-erotic murder mystery thriller in ten parts about two serial killers, one stalking the other, and the people trying to catch them. Plenty of twists and turns. I'm really mainly looking for feedback on atmosphere, continuity, and style. Please let me know what you think.
Thanx.

here are the links
chapter 1: http://english.literotica.com:81/st...y.php?id=216420
chapter 2: http://english.literotica.com:81/st...y.php?id=216424
chapter 3: http://english.literotica.com:81/st...y.php?id=222810

 

[Darla_Darling]

I think the links are broken.

 

[daj8577]

Thanks,
These should work.
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=216420
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=216424
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=222810

 

[Darla_Darling]

***SPOILERS CONTAINED HEREIN***​

DO NOT READ THIS COMMENT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE STORY!​

I just read the first chapter and it was very entertaining. You have a knack for building and maintaining tension, the characters are well-rendered, and you create clear imagery. I particularly liked the line, "Not bad for someone who looked like a cast member of the Rocky Horror Show posing for an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog." Also, the phrase, "blood red glow of her digital alarm clock" was quite vivid. (However you used that line twice. You should only use it once.)

There are a few revisions that you need to make. I would suggest that you send it to an editor. I noticed that many of the sentences were slightly over-long and awkward. The following sentence, for example, is descriptive overkill: "She was dressed in knee-high leather platform boots, fishnet stockings, a thigh-high pleated wool skirt, a leather corset, and a biker jacket, all black, and all of which only served to starkly contrast her soft, pale skin and her golden blonde hair which hung down to the middle of her back." If you do really need to list every one of those items, it would be better to split this description into several sentences.

There are also some basic grammatical errors, which could easily be fixed by a proof read. I have listed some examples.

• "So, how is it that, seven years after her death, she could be standing in the shadowy corner of a bar in downtown Minneapolis." Needs to end with a question mark as it is interrogative. It is also too long and has too many commas. I would consider shortening it and making it a statement, not a question.
  
• "With a heavy sigh, she melts into his embrace." Should be melted, as the piece is written in the past tense.
  
• "While Denny was and idealist" Should be an.

The only other thing that I wanted to mention was that the first chapter should definitely end with the sentence, "After all, she hated getting things stuck in her teeth." There is clearly a radical shift in the story after this, and it is a good, punchy line to leave the reader wanting more.

As I said, there is just some minor fine-tuning to be done. I look forward to reading the next few chapters!

 

[daj8577]

Thanks Daria, that's just the kind of thing I was looking for.