Looking for feedback

[Shadowsandflames]

I would really appreciate some feedback on the following poem. Feel free to tell me it sucks as long as you tell me why it sucks. Oh, and if you are looking for erotic or sweet and cuddly poems, this is not one of them. Read on at your own risk.

DAMNED

In the deep dark places
Where the sun is more speculation than fact
Dwell unimagined horrors.
The Cabalistic Gods, who in their antiquity,
Have forgotten their own names
But not there insatiable hungers.
The taste of blood and sinew,
The beauty of the dying gasp,
And the sweet smell of life's final breath.

Slinking through the shadows,
Malformed beasts with gleaming eyes,
Whose self loathing is only eclipsed
By their hatred of all else,
Wait for their chance to rise up
And bring terror to all they cross.

Among them, vile sprites frolic
Whispering of demented pleasures,
Fantasies of ruin,
Of innocence torn asunder,
Of all the world for the taking
If only they be freed.

At this depravity's center
Shines one faint light.
Here is all that remains of hope,
Faith and love's final outpost
In this kingdom of the damned.
Here alone, fighting back this abominable tumult
Stands, not the man,
But all the man wishes he could be,
But knows that he never will,
For this struggle is almost ended
As hope slips away.



Thanks for any feedback.
Shadows and Flames

 

[fawnie]

I would really appreciate some feedback on the following poem. Feel free to tell me it sucks as long as you tell me why it sucks. Oh, and if you are looking for erotic or sweet and cuddly poems, this is not one of them. Read on at your own risk.

DAMNED

In the deep dark places
Where the sun is more speculation than fact
Dwell unimagined horrors.
The Cabalistic Gods, who in their antiquity,
Have forgotten their own names
But not there insatiable hungers.
The taste of blood and sinew,
The beauty of the dying gasp,
And the sweet smell of life's final breath.

Slinking through the shadows,
Malformed beasts with gleaming eyes,
Whose self loathing is only eclipsed
By their hatred of all else,
Wait for their chance to rise up
And bring terror to all they cross.

Among them, vile sprites frolic
Whispering of demented pleasures,
Fantasies of ruin,
Of innocence torn asunder,
Of all the world for the taking
If only they be freed.

At this depravity's center
Shines one faint light.
Here is all that remains of hope,
Faith and love's final outpost
In this kingdom of the damned.
Here alone, fighting back this abominable tumult
Stands, not the man,
But all the man wishes he could be,
But knows that he never will,
For this struggle is almost ended
As hope slips away.



Thanks for any feedback.
Shadows and Flames

i'm sorry i can't really help with a critique, i just don't know enough, but i can tell you, although maybe dark in content..it's wonderful!

 

[champagne1982]

Welcome to the poetry forum, Shadowsandflames. You'll find that most people here aren't poets who write smutty fluff all the time, although, none of us are above penning it, so you don't need the disclaimer on what we'll be reading. Your title kinda speaks of the mood of the piece, anyway. Another note: if it's not erotica, we have a Lit section, Non-Erotic Poems, to submit our work to.

DAMNED

In the deep dark places
Punctuate this line with a comma
Where the sun is more speculation than fact
and this one, as well. Doing so will give the reader time to breathe.
Dwell unimagined horrors.
The Cabalistic Gods, who in their antiquity,
Have forgotten their own names
But not there insatiable hungers.
This is very subtle and so evocative of the ancient "dead" gods. You put too much weight on the words Cabalistic Gods I think. Personally, I'd prefer to see them in their lower case version. You made a typo when talking about their insatiable hungers.
The taste of blood and sinew,
The beauty of the dying gasp,
And the sweet smell of life's final breath

Slinking through the shadows,
Malformed beasts with gleaming eyes,
Whose self loathing is only eclipsed
I may be wrong, but I think it's self-loathing with a hyphen and do you need the word only?
By their hatred of all else,
Wait for their chance to rise up
And bring terror to all they cross.

Among them, vile sprites frolic
Whispering of demented pleasures,
Fantasies of ruin,
Of innocence torn asunder,
Of all the world for the taking
If only they be freed.
If only who be freed, The Cabalistic Gods, the malformed beasts or the vile sprites? The gods don't remember freedom, the sprite's are already frolicking so that leaves the beasts, but this strophe isn't about beasts, it's about sprites' whispers. You should clarify that the sprites are whispering to the beasts

At this depravity's center
I think this would read better and clearer if you were to make depravity's center a parenthetical statement and surround it with commas:
At this, depravity's center,
Shines...
Shines one faint light.
Here is all that remains of hope,
Faith and love's final outpost
In this kingdom of the damned.
Here alone, fighting back this abominable tumult
Stands, not the man,
But all the man wishes he could be,
But knows that he never will,
You need to tighten this up. Drop the unneccessary words from your phrasing and make them more punched and clipped.
Fighting back this abominable tumult
Stands all the man wishes he could be,
Knowing that he'll never succeed.
If you end this thought on a period here, you'll be able to jolt us with the idea of the extinguishing of hope's light in the next line.
This struggle is almost ended.
For this struggle is almost ended
As hope slips away.
This last line is weak and accomplishes nothing. It steals away the imagery of a light, weakly flickering and turns it into something slippery, rather than valiant. You should clip it and end your poem on the word ended.

I enjoyed reading your poem and giving you a bit of an editing review. Use whatever suggestion you will, they are only suggestions after all and I'd never intend to demean or insult your work.

 

[WickedEve]

Just a suggestion for the first part of stanza 1:

In the deep dark places,
where the sun is more speculation than fact,
dwell cabalistic gods, who in their antiquity,

"unimagined horrors" is too much, in my opinion. Showing readers the horrors should be enough.

You don't need to capitalize the beginning of each line.

One way to improve a poem is to cut out excess words--for example, adjectives, which can be overused.

 

[Shadowsandflames]

Thanks to everyone who read my poem. Specificly I like to say...

Fawnie, nothings better than hearing someone enjoyed something I wrote. It's much easier to write when you know you're appreciated.

Champagne1982, first let me say that my little disclaimer was more joke than serious and I really hope I didn't offend anyone. I guess I can be a little bitter because I have be critized for writing poems that doen't include fluffly little bunnies, not that there is anything wrong with a fluffy bunny every once in a while. It's just not me. Now, on to the critque. I greatly appreciate you taking time to give me a hand and I hope to get your advice in the future. Oh, and I plan on submitting this some time in the future so please give me a vote if you see it.

WickedEve, thanks for the suggestion. I do sometimes make my poems a little to wordy, but that's because I fear making my poems to bare bones, which I have been known to do to.

Thanks everybody,
Shadows and Flames