Looking for feedback

[asianadorer]

I am looking to find out what people think of my story.I would like to know what you like,what you didn't, what you would change ect.I am just looking for honest opinions. The link is
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100888

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Dude

This is the second interracial story I've ever read. The first one was by a good friend of mine, so the thing is I don't really know what makes an interracial story hot or what you need to concentrate on to drive your readers crazy. All I can do is tell you what weirded me out, and what made it hard for me to read.

The first paragraph is an okay one. It isn't boring, like some introductory paragraphs, but it's not particularly exciting either. It did get my attention, though, and that is very, very good. We've got the scene set: the guy's gonna go after an asian chick.

Problems for me happened in the second paragraph. All it is is a list of features, and those pretty boring:

She was only around 5 ft and could not have weighed more than 90 pounds. She was short with nice full lips. Her face was rounded off with her neat trim black hair. Her skin was fairly light and she appeared to have nice peach size tits. Her skin was not extraordinarily dark but she was not exactly white either. She was more or less the exact opposite of myself. I am white about 6 ft 5 and around 180 lb.

See, you have a few nice descriptions in there: "peach sized tits" (even though I don't like the word tits) But other than that it's a list. I don't like to see descriptions so soon, nor so specific. I'd rather read something along the lines of "She lifted a delicate hand to wipe jet black hair away from her face. Smiling, she revealed the whitest teeth I'd ever seen. My heart fluttered. Maybe this was love."

Now some specifics about the paragraph:

She was only around 5 ft and could not have weighed more than 90 pounds.

When writing, you need to stay consistant, and you need to follow some rules that everyone sort of has set out in their minds. Most people, even the average reader, would probably read this paragraph and have a problem with it even if they didn't know these rules. They might not be able to figure out exactly what about it bothered them, but it would still seem odd. The reason for this, imho, is that in most every day writing you don't see stuff written like this.

Every number under 100 (and I used to think it was ten, so don't laugh at me) should be spelled out with letters. Anything over 100 should be done numerically. If you choose to do this, fantastic, if not, tsk tsk tsk. Just be consistant when you decide.

Ft. gets to me. The abbreviation hurts me inside, right there in the guty-wuts. It seems lazy not to just write it out...I think the reason people do this in every day life is as a space saver, but when writing on our computers we don't really need to save space. And look, you abbreviate feet but then spell out pounds. Consistancy, my good man.

She was short with nice full lips.

We've already established that she was short from the five feet tall note. Also, again with more specific listing. "nice full lips" doesn't seem right, does it? maybe "Nice, full lips" - a comma can do wonders, lad.

Her face was rounded off with her neat trim black hair.

First off, this sentence needs some commas, since you're listing things off. Secondly, the word "trim" threw me off. I don't know for sure but I feel like it should be something different..."trimmed" or something? But mainly I'm discouraged because those seem to be quite a few words to describe one feature.

Her skin was fairly light and she appeared to have nice peach size tits. Her skin was not extraordinarily dark but she was not exactly white either. She was more or less the exact opposite of myself. I am white about 6 ft 5 and around 180 lb.

Peach-sized tits. I like that, except for the word tits, 'cause most people want to give stupid cup sizes. Reminds me of this book I read in High School though...something about a guy name Shinji. But, not important! The skin description threw me off, too...maybe because I already know what an asian person looks like. And then the description of your male character, you need to write out the numbers and the abbreviations.

Consistantly through the story you write in very short, curt sentences:

Reluctantly, I agreed. I say reluctantly as I hope to get her back home and begin my study of her gorgeous Asian frame. We continued our study sessions for a few weeks. In those weeks I figured she would be a tough clam to pry open. She seemed rather guarded and any sort of advance seemed to be rejected. Then something seemed to change.

I feel that your story would be improved if you went back and tried to tie them together, made them flow a little more. Although I am sometimes accused of run-on sentences = )

She paused for a moment then said "If you are not...busy, Saturday?"

There needs to be a comma before the dialogue starts.

She had some khakis on as well and a pair of loafers with white cotton socks.

Accuse me of being nit-picky if you will, but how does he see her socks?

She told me that she wore a size 2 and then explained its hard to find anything that fits her well.

Okay, warning bells. *MY* feet are tiny. I am five feet tall and slightly under one inch, and my feet are size seven. Size two feet would be incredibly, incredibly WRONG. She wouldn't be able to walk. I would click back instantly on this story if I weren't critiquing it for you. Size two indeed.

Also, you want to write out the number two, rather than use the numerals.

I positioned the soles of one of her feet right on my cock.

Okay, you have a plural word, then a singular object. That isn't right...you need to say "sole" instead of "soles"

"I like you, Chiaru.I just wanted to show you."I told her."I am sorry."

This is a mistake you make consistantly through the story. I think you're just too excited to be writing dialogue = ) You need to take it at a slower pace and make sure all the spaces are in the right places. There need to be at least two spaces between a period and a new word, and at least one between an "end quotation" mark and a new word. See how this sentence is all jumbled together? You can fix that so, so easily.

She told me almost half ashamed.

One of the problems I have personally with writing first person stories is deciding how much about the other character we can know. My rule to myself is that my main character, my POV character, can decide things through their eyes but they have to guess, rather than know. In this case, your character seems to know that his lover-to-be is ashamed...that doesn't work for me. He needs to be guessing it. "She told me, blushing. I thought she looked ashamed." "She told me, her voice quivering with what seemed like shame."

More specifically, if kept like that, I think there would need to be a comma between "told me" and "almost"

We then went upstairs to my bedroom and kissed a bit more. I then laid her down on the bed on her back. I raised her upper body and began to remove her sweater. She actually blushed once it was off. She wore a fairly plain white bra.

Here's another example of listing. You're just listing off simple actions, with no real description to go along. I really do think that you should go back and re-work some of these paragraphs to be more interesting to read.

MY GOD WAS SHE TIGHT!

I dislike the use of capital letters in text...it freaks me out. But in your defense you don't use them but this once...some people do it almost every other sentence, and that drives me crazy! Just a warning that sometimes they're done less than well, and you should keep an eye out to make sure you don't slip into the same habit.

"Tooo biggg,take out!"

Aside from being awful cliched, this bugged me because I think words ought to be written as they're spelled. Use your own descriptions to let the reader know that she's dragging out the words: "Too big," she whimpered, her voice rising almost to a panic. "Take it out!"

It must have been a great site to see us.

One more nit-picky thing. Site? You mean sight.

Alright, so overall there were very few mistakes. Very few things for me to be annoyed about, even. I have a few more words of advice though...your female lead wasn't stupid, right? She was an average, normal Asian girl. Even aside from the broken-english speech you gave her, you seemed to make her stupid. I didn't like that. I don't know, it just bugged me.

Alright, so good luck in the future, and we'll see you around.

-Chicklet