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[shytilwet23]

Liked "The benefits of reading".........just didn't feel that the title did it justice, is all. Just read the other one........same thing actually. But you write so well, and I always like Dom\sub type stories.

 

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[kristydoll]

I read both your stories as well.

You have a nice reading style to your writing, my only suggestion would be to tighten it up a bit more. Otherwise, good job *smiles*

In "The Benefits of Reading" - my comments are these. First, remember to start a new paragraph each time a different person speaks.

Second, and this is just a personal opinion of mine, I did not care for your male character in this story. I understand "why" but, for me, it would have worked better if I had liked him more.

I enjoyed "The Conspiracy Upended" much better - maybe also because it wasn't in the bdsm section. It worked well. My only comments would be to again, tighten it up just a bit, and spell out the word "OK" (okay).

Minor things really - because I enjoyed as a whole.

kristy

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Lime,

I’ve just read “The Benefits of Reading”.

I didn’t mind the title. I didn’t’ read your blurb, but I think that's often more important when drawing readers in. Of course a little red “H’ or green “E”... or better still “W’ will always work best I’m sure.

This is a hot little story. I really enjoyed it. I think many men out there would fantasize about a situation like that.

This is what else I noted as I read:

“So this is what’s got your pussy on fire! I think I need to know more about this. Why don’t you tell me how you got so engrossed in this and why you’ve got to finger yourself off when you’ve got a husband who loves you deeply. Or should I say loved you deeply because I’m not certain if I still do and all I feel is hurt and rage.”

…“You’ve got two choices. Either you tell me everything now or I’m leaving and the only talking we’ll do in the future will be through divorce attorneys.”

This dialog felt unrealistic to me. I think most men in this situation would say - fuck her now, ask her questions later. And is catching your wife playing with herself during the day really grounds for divorce?

I walked up to her and said, “I have to go out for a little while, and when you’re done cleaning, you are to call me on my cell phone. But first there is one other thing. Sit up on your knees and put your hands behind your back.” She complied and I walked up to her so that me crotch was in front of her face. I took out my cock and shoved it in her mouth. “OK bitch, start sucking, but no hands, just get me off with your mouth.” She hesitated slightly, so I grabbed her hair and started fucking her face. “When I say suck, I mean it.” Lyn had always given good blow jobs, but now I was shoving my cock in deeply and making her gag. “That’s it.

Oh boy is this hot or is this hot! Only I noticed throughout your story you could have perhaps broken it down into shorter paragraphs especially with the dialog. It just makes it visually easier to read aside from anything else. Perhaps too cut out a few superfluous words. For instance, you don’t need to say ‘the font of her face’, and twice you said ‘I walked up to her’.

E..g.

“I have to go out for a little while, and when you’re done cleaning, you are to call me on my cell phone. But first there is one other thing. Sit up on your knees and put your hands behind your back.”

“Yes sir.”

I walked up to her, my crotch almost touching her face. I took out my cock and shoved it in her mouth. (A little description her mouth might have worked well here too.)

“OK bitch, start sucking, but no hands, just get me off with your mouth.”

She hesitated slightly, so I grabbed her hair and started fucking her face.

“When I say suck, I mean it.”

Lyn had always given good blow jobs, but now I was shoving my cock in so deep it made her gag.

I didn’t bother to ask if she enjoyed it, but she didn’t call the cops either.

Cute! I liked this little snippets. It kind of gave a balance to the darker side of the story.

I headed out to the local porn shop and bought a vibrator, lube, a blindfold, garters, a garter belt and a cutout bra.

Well bugger it! How come my local porn shop doesn’t stock stuff like this?

Moving along, that scene with Lyn shaving her pussy, I know that one will have every red blood breathing hetro male reading it panting and salivating. It's sizzlingly hot!

The ending is nice and I especially liked that it demonstrated the gentle and loving side of bdsm relationship.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

The Secret of My Success

 

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[kristydoll]

Thanks Kristydoll. I'll try to tighten up on the next work. It's already partially written, but even I am finding it overly verbose. It's tough to edit the kettle of ideas down to a single serving - much more difficult than I had anticipated.

Also, how do you think the male character in "Benefits" could have been more likeable?

Editing one's own words is tough - but must be done. You'll usually end up liking it better in the end *smiles*

Your male character not being "likeable" to me is coming from a personal place. I am sure that the majority of readers will find what him in tune to what they are used to reading.

For me though, because bdsm is my lifestyle, I didn't like the "threat" of being his sex slave or that was the end. And, as the_bragis pointed out, it seemed extreme that he would be so upset over her masturbating.

But as I said, your story line fits into what many expect and I'm sure you will do fine. The writing is there - just keep editing and always keep writing more.

kristy

 

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[kristydoll]

Do you have any input for the proper/realistic traits for a male master in a mutually agreeable dom/sub relationship? Should I project more of my own personality into the character (as in "Conspiracy")?

There is no input I can give you to this because everyone will do and see/experience things differently *smiles*. This is why I stated that my views of him would be different from others - and that there was nothing "wrong" with how you told your story - or how your characters acted.

Writing fiction allows you to experiment - to go past "reality" and many like that so just continue writing in the way that works for you.

And remember, a character does not necessarily need to be liked to enjoy the story.

Keep writing - I will read more.

kristy

 

[CubsFan130]

I read benefits. I liked it. I enjoy the female realization of wants/needs. I wasn't crazy about the guys reaction when he found his wife getting off. over all, I liked it and would read more from you in the future.

 

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