Looking for feedback

[CardinalX]

I´ve recently submitted my first three erotic stories to Literotica and I´m looking for feedback. Just go to my profile (CardinalX) and read the stories. They´ve been written in the following order if it´s of any relevance: "Room Service", "Team Spirit" and "Oh My Sexgoddess".

 

[silversword]

links

following links to the stories.

Room Service

Team Spirit

Oh My Sexgoddess

Will get back to once i've had chance to read them

Silver

 

[silversword]

links

following links to the stories.

Room Service

Team Spirit

Oh My Sexgoddess

Will get back to once i've had chance to read them

Silver

 

[silversword]

oops

don't know how I managed to do that...

 

[silversword]

a few remarks

I have read through the first story you posted, Room Service and had a look at the other two.

Having read through Room Service there are a few thing that stand out that I feel are worth pointing out. First of all your story appears to the Celebrity Catagory however I am not sure this is where it belongs.

Furthermore the story is very difficult to get into. The first four or five paragraphs serve as an introduction and in this you introduce 9 characters and make reference to a further 4. This really does make it hard work to read through and get your head round. Furthermore once you read on the story only really involves two of the characters that you introduced.

Evidently you intend to make a series out of this, given that Team Spirit uses the same scenario and characters. I would say that if you intend to do this you need to gradually introduce characters to allow the reader to take them in.

Once past part your story does make a good read. There are gramatical mistakes that make some of the reading confusing but overall a good story.


Silver

 

[CardinalX]

Thanks, the story was written as a fanfic, so it kinda expects the reader (fan) to know the characters and settings beforehand.

 

[silversword]

apologies

having gone into your stories through the index and your profile I can see you make reference to "D.O.A.3". Means nothing to me, sorry, maybe that show doesn't reasonate across the pond!

As you say your readers would then have an idea of each of the characters before reading. But I still think you throw too many characters and information at a reader that is not really relevant to the story between Mira and Christie and this can be put off to alot of readers.

Even with serial stories each story should be a story in its own right.

Silver

 

[CardinalX]

I understand, but it´s not something I´m gonna change, as it is a fanfic that takes place during the videogame "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball", so I can´t leave out the many characters. "D.O.A 3" is "Dead or Alive 3", the videogame that predecesses Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, it was just shorter writing DOA3.

 

[silversword]

if it works for your readers then go for it.

Fanfic and the celebrity section are not really my cup of tea either to read or to write. As a writer it does give you a very limited reader base, but like I siad if it works for your readers then go for it.

Silver

 

[CardinalX]

I guess asking for feedback for fanfics in a forum not filled with fans was kinda a bad idea, but I do plan to write some non-fanfics as well, so keep a lookout. Can I ask you a favor? Could you click on the feedback option at my profile/stories and send me a message saying "Testing" or something, just to make sure it works? I´m just kinda wondering why I haven´t received a single message concerning my stories when they seem to have been read by many people.

 

[the_bragis]

CardinalX,

Are you certain you haven't received a single feedback. I sent you one a few days ago. You should have it by now.

Alex

 

[CardinalX]

Well, if you sent it to my Hotmail account, then I certainly got it, thanks for the kind words. However, I was talking about clicking on my profile and sending me feedback from there, I have a literotica mail account set up for feedback, but so far the only message I´ve got there is the welcoming message.