Looking for feedback!

[foggydays2017]

Hi all! I just uploaded my first story on here, “Seduced by my female employee’s feet”, I hoping to receive feedback. If it’s positive than I’ll be sure to keep writing. Thank you for your time.

 

[missyunderstanding]

Great name for a story

I have not read you story yet but just the name begs for a follow up. In fact there could be a whole series. Think of all the body parts other than "feet" that would be the next in the series. I can't wait to read" "Seduced by my employees esophagus."

 

[Alterego65]

Or maybe Seduced by the finger my employee gave me?

 

[JJA122]

Sentences that end with ?". and ?", look odd to me.

"Well Liz, I was told when I was hired that you would have an "open door"

policy for all your employees and that any employee would be always welcome in your office. Like a safe space," Kaylee quipped back. Indeed, I had prided myself in being always accessible to my employees but did not think someone would take that to be so literal.

"Well, if you read the departmental handbook it clearly states that all employees must wear business causal clothing that does not draw attention away from our guests.,"

The quote has been separated into two paragraphs.
"open door" probably should be in single quotes. I'm being a hypocrite here as I've done this before, but later in the story you use single quotes within quotes, so there is an inconsistency.
You misspelt business casual.

"Uh uh uh ...nothing to say?" asked Kaylee in a mocking manner.

"Hehe that's what I thought Lisa. I'll tell you what, I'll pretend we didn't have this little meeting and you will also ignore what I choose to wear when I'm at work moving forward as it relates to the dress code, is that clear?" explained the feisty young employee.

This should be one paragraph, and here you don't end your question dialogue the usual way. Also "I'll pretend we didn't have this little meeting and you will also ignore what I choose to wear when I'm at work moving forward as it relates to the dress code..." needs a comma or period somewhere, try saying that sentence out loud to yourself.

------------

This was a hot story, I liked the second half of page 2 quite a lot and Liz's anger turning into lust.

Sometimes the boring stuff got wordy, for example, I don't care about how essential a bi-weekly meeting is. But I would care to know how much Liz cares about creating a comfortable office space, and how Kaylee used that to her advantage.

 

[AlinaX]

I have not read you story yet but just the name begs for a follow up. In fact there could be a whole series. Think of all the body parts other than "feet" that would be the next in the series. I can't wait to read" "Seduced by my employees esophagus."

I was thinking, “Seduced by my female employee’s inches”. (6 inches high, 12 inches long, 16 inches around, ...)

 

[Landshark1]

Hi all! I just uploaded my first story on here, “Seduced by my female employee’s feet”, I hoping to receive feedback. If it’s positive than I’ll be sure to keep writing. Thank you for your time.

Reading it now..

 

[Landshark1]

Hi all! I just uploaded my first story on here, “Seduced by my female employee’s feet”, I hoping to receive feedback. If it’s positive than I’ll be sure to keep writing. Thank you for your time.

Very nice job, I enjoyed it a lot. Cant wait to read more.

 

[yukonnights]

I read this yesterday, wrote some thoughts and realized they were not very positive. The technical issues mentioned by JJA122 above were wide spread and disruptive to an easy read. I've found that there are a number of online writer's blogs/sites that you can turn to in order to brush up on these skills.

The biggest stumble for me — and the one that caused me to back out of the story — is the unbelievability of the dynamics between the female supervisor and the new employee. I think the failure here lies in too little build up. There was minimal interior thoughts, emotions, doubts, questions, etc. Actually, very little time spent together before the "action" started. The older "boss" just fell instantly under the spell of this young woman's feet from their first meeting. This is just not very likely. What if she had gone home and couldn't get the new employee out of her thoughts? What if this went on for some weeks — until finally she accepts her attraction & desires?

As is, the young woman comes off more as a spoiled brat and very unlikable? To me she wasn't believable.

I think if the characters had been more filled out, if a believable amount of time passed before they accepted their "connection", if the workplace dynamics/interactions of the two resembled something more realistic — the story could stand more firmly on it's merits. But, this is just one readers take. Others may have loved it minus the issues with the technical aspects.

Whatever you do, don't let my opinion keep you from continuing to write stories. I only put this up to point out some issues and blind spots that may help the next story.

 

[missyunderstanding]

Thank you for pointing that out.

Or maybe Seduced by the finger my employee gave me?

Your right. A story about a seductive finger would work. But what about an employees spleen?