Looking for feedback

[swingerjoe]

My latest story was just posted this morning, and so far it has received low ratings, a low number of views, and only one comment. For some reason, as I was writing it, I had the notion that it would be much better received -- even by the infamously jaded LW community.

I'd love to get some feedback from the forum members, as I value many of your opinions. My story is a tribute to two classic movies: one mainstream, and one X-rated. If you look closely enough, you'll also notice that it is a tribute to the LW reading community.

It is called "Marilyn Chambers Comes to Roanoke":

http://www.literotica.com/s/marilyn-chambers-comes-to-roanoke

Thanks in advance!

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Honestly? I think your writing is better than your gimmick. You took what was otherwise a pretty compelling tale of a guy who has let his whole life go to shambles over refusing to reconcile with his wife and gets a second chance (with the help of his first porn) to try again and wedged it into a check-the-plot-boxes Field of Wet Dreams.

I'm not a usual reader of LW, but I could tell that the names you chose for at least some of the characters were a direct allusion to something or someone not part of the two movies you were referencing, probably usernames backwards or as anagrams. While that can be really fun for regular readers, it's a little jarring for people who don't normally read LW.

I rated you a 4 for your writing, it would have been a 5 if you'd taken that same spooky feeling from Field of Dreams but made it less of a direct homage or if your protagonist hadn't been SUCH a miserable bastard that I wasn't sure why his wife should have to suffer through him not leaving her at the end.

You unfortunately have one of my reading pet peeves, use of the word "upon" for anything but fairy tales or song lyrics, but I never dock anyone for that.

 

[swingerjoe]

Thanks, stlgoddess. You raised some fair points. My original idea was to stick even closer to the Field of Dreams plot by having Phillips and Donald go back to the house with Harry. I'm glad I didn't take it that far.

You aren't the first person to comment on what a miserable bastard the protagonist is, and it's a fair question to ask whether the ex-wife is better off without him. I suppose we can assume he wasn't always so miserable. It was something his friend said at the beginning, but perhaps I could have spent a little more time fully developing his character.

I only included one anagram in the names, and it was a last-minute edit. I probably should have left it alone, but I think I tried a little too hard to include a few too many names.

Again, thanks for taking the time to weigh in with your critique. I appreciate it.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

The fact that he had one good friend who stuck by him and that he and the wife had been happy before definitely pointed to it. But the fact that he didn't know or care about giving her an actual orgasm for 20 years of marriage? I was ready to jot the number of a younger guy with an old Mustang down for her...

 

[swingerjoe]

LOL -- another good point.