Looking for feedback on two poems...

[Phaeton]

Be gentle, please. These are the first two I've ever let the world see.

Still, I'd appreciate feedback, harsh or otherwise.



Disbelief

Sublime, in your skin
as you lay there
aloof, yet nurturing
who are you to tempt me?
to fill my head with thoughts
to make me moan with reckless abandon
the curve of your thigh
the scent of your want
am I to believe you are here for me?
or is this but a moment among many
with many
and still a glimpse into my future?


Foolish One

They say old men die wisely
and young men live foolishly
I live in my vanity
with fool's gold and a fool's love
as my mirror
Have pity for me then
For I am neither young nor wise
living in my alternate reality
conceiving and deceiving with equal clarity

 

[minsue]

OK, I'll start the ball rolling...

Have you considered capitalizing the sentences in Disbelief? It's a bit distracting to me to have the punctuation without capitalization. (I'm admittedly a bit odd, though )

Other than that, I like both very much. Especially Foolish One.

 

[WickedEve]

Be gentle, though you appreciate harshness? You're kinky.

Honestly, both poems are pretty good. I'm not sure right off hand what changes I'd make, but I'm sure both may need a bit more polishing.

 

[Phaeton]

Re: Re: Looking for feedback on two poems...

Be gentle, though you appreciate harshness? You're kinky.

Honestly, both poems are pretty good. I'm not sure right off hand what changes I'd make, but I'm sure both may need a bit more polishing.

Polishing, yes. Exactly!

Er, how do I do that?

Have you considered capitalizing the sentences in Disbelief? It's a bit distracting to me to have the punctuation without capitalization. (I'm admittedly a bit odd, though )

Other than that, I like both very much. Especially Foolish One.

Thank you kindly.

 

[twelveoone]

hello Phaeton
harshest bastard in four dimensions, here.
Eve tell you to polish the mirror? She must have been shopping in my house of bad puns.
Just like to point out:
1.) somebody by the name of islandman has been stealing your stuff
2.)annaswirls has mentioned "Foolish One" in the new poems review.
3.) #2 and the fact that Wicked Eve could not suggest anything concrete are very good signs.
These are two of the best around here (I am not familiar with minsue's work) so...
I left a comment on "Foolish One", I would say the same about "Disbelief" except that this line really sings to me.
"or is this but a moment among many
with many"
Both of these are "important" statements, both of these are a little familiar, both show alot of promise, and I look forward to seeing something, a little less important and/or familiar from you.

 

[twelveoone]

BTW I gave it 100, 'cause I'm really the easiest bastard in four dimensions

 

[islandman]

BTW I gave it 100, 'cause I'm really the easiest bastard in four dimensions

lol

Thanks.

Phaeton is me; I am Phaeton. It was originally intended to be my pseudonym, but having to remember another password.........would have meant that something very valuable in my brain would have been replaced by it.

As far as why "conceiving"........I don't have an easy or clear answer. It's my reality, I created it.......whatever I do in it is in a way the act of conceiving. Does that make sense?