Looking for feedback on story: Journey Into Electric Darkness

[voltsjolts]

The story can be found here:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=184195

Just curious what people think.

-voltsjolts

 

[darkgoddess2478]

This was a very interesting story. While I did not go to the extremes you did, I did have stories very very similar to this. Thank you for sharing, especially since it is a very deep secret for you. If there is one place that you will find acceptance, it would probably be here. *grins*

Now for my obligatory critiques... Because I have to. Call me obsessive if you will... Because I am. But I think with some small tweaks your story could go from excellent to exceptional.

I really liked all of the detail that you put into the first part of the story about the different electronic parts and what worked, what didn't. I don't understand electronics at all, but the detail was very interesting. (I couldn't tell you if it was right, but the way you have written, I would say that you are right.


Now for details that could be improved...

The glue kept it in there pretty good but not enough

The above line pulls me out of the story as I am reading it. Perhaps change it to something like "The glue held sufficiently, but it wasn't enough". It just doesn't flow as well as the rest of the story.

It felt like it was always getting stronger the whole time but that wasn't possible. It was probably something like when you spin around in a chair with your eyes closed and think you are still moving after it stops.

This reads like an unnecessary flash from your past into the future. However, it could add to the story if you changed it just a bit. Perhaps something like, "It felt like it was always getting stronger the whole time, but it was probably something like spinning in a chair with your eyes closed. Although I knew the pain wasn't getting worse, it was like I was still moving after the chair had stopped."

There was intentionally no clock visible from my position on the bed to help create more uncertainty and a person can't even begin to keep track of time when crazed senseless with so much pain.

Keep the story focused on you here, not outside people. This is about your balance between pain and pleasure, not the people reading it. A reader should never know that this isn't happening to them. I can feel your pain and your pleasure. I suggest a slight change such as "There was intentionally no click visible from my position on the beat to help create more uncertainty. I couldn't even begin to keep track of time when crazed senseless with so much pain." Keeo it with you. This is your story, your kink, your embarrassing little skeleton in your closet that we are more than eager to lap into our bellies like warm milk.

It was not possible to not move right away. The weakness was so deep it was only possible to just lay there shivering for a short while trying to slow down my breathing and heart rate.

The first line here confuses me. "It was not possible to move right away" is what I would assume it should be. I make errors like this frequently, so I am hypersensitive to it. *grins*

It is a good thing I never got around to buying a fourth set of batteries because three took its toll plenty. Using today's battery technology you could probably go for 5 hours straight on a single set!

Don't pull your reader out of your past. Keep the story back during that time when you were completely drained and exhausted and also exhillirated with your newest form of torture. Don't pull me away from your lust and torment, that sweetly sickening lust that you felt when you pulled that probe from your ass and left it smelling of you. In other words, cut the line about using today's battery technology. That would be better for your forward at the end.

All these years later you can read about that in fantasy torture stories on the web. People suddenly screaming one big scream from an electric shock (funny too, it is usually in the rectum) and then passing out. Let me tell you it is a whole lot more difficult to cause loss of consciousness from rectal pain in real life and you probably cant do it using electricity without causing third degree burns or worse so just leave that scenario for the fiction.

Again, keep the "reflecting from now back on the story" out of the story. You did an excellent job telling the story from your past. I loved reading it. Put this section into your author's forward at the end as well. Reflect just a bit on how things are different from what you read.

This was an Excellent story. I did enjoy reading it and I loved critiquing it. *grins* Thank you for sharing this intimate detail of yourself with us.

 

[voltsjolts]

All great feedback, thank you for the editing. You certainly understand the author's original intent. I dont know what literotica's policy is on edits so I've reworked it here:
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/voltsjolts/journey.txt

-voltsjolts

 

[darkgoddess2478]

The way you edit the story for Literotica is just to re-submit the story and in the title line you put the title and afterward you place -EDIT

They will approve the story with your changes in tact. *grins*

I expect this to have a hot rating... AND the good thing about an edit is- you keep your votes that were already on the story. *dances*

I look forward to more from you. I had better know when you post more. *winks*

 

[Frank_Lin]

Translation / Continuation

Hi voltsjolts,

Even if it's already five years that you wrote your story 'Session' it's still very much worth reading.

What concerns the sensitive description of electric sex I know nothing that compares to expertise and ingenuity of your story.

I think about translating your story into German (my native language). Do I get your OK to my plan?

In addition I'm curious about all the other electric sex possibilities you may have invented in the meantime. Maybe we can read a new story in the near future?

Regards Frank