jinnysub
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 652
Looking for feedback on Poem "Captain of her Boat"
- Thread starter jinnysub
- Start date
English-Passion
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2000
- Posts
- 34
Well, as the man said, the vision that was dancing in brain, still remains.
And what more can we ask of a poem?
Taken as a whole this poem worked for me. I enjoyed the imagery and the idea that she is being steered to satiation by her willing crew. Lovely.
Two particular points jarred though. The first was the reference to her ennui. Surely mere boredom wouldn't have given rise to such an exciting voyage of discovery? Or maybe it would. I've never been into boats myself.
The other thing that left me feeling uncomfortable was the overuse of the word 'her'.
Her body
her boat
her fingers
her crew
her steersmen
her core
etc
I am sure that you could reword these lines to convey the meaning with more power if you used action words rather than possessives. (Don't worry, I don't consider myself qualified to offer suggestions!)
Favourite line?
Beckoning their climb in the breezes of lust.
Lovely stuff!
English-Passion
And what more can we ask of a poem?
Taken as a whole this poem worked for me. I enjoyed the imagery and the idea that she is being steered to satiation by her willing crew. Lovely.
Two particular points jarred though. The first was the reference to her ennui. Surely mere boredom wouldn't have given rise to such an exciting voyage of discovery? Or maybe it would. I've never been into boats myself.
The other thing that left me feeling uncomfortable was the overuse of the word 'her'.
Her body
her boat
her fingers
her crew
her steersmen
her core
etc
I am sure that you could reword these lines to convey the meaning with more power if you used action words rather than possessives. (Don't worry, I don't consider myself qualified to offer suggestions!)
Favourite line?
Beckoning their climb in the breezes of lust.
Lovely stuff!
English-Passion
