Looking for Feedback on New Story

[michaeldgorman]

12345

 

[Rad'l]

Read your story -

and liked it. Needs a little proofreading but it was well written and enjoyable.

 

[michaeldgorman]

12345

 

[damppanties]

Hi,

You asked. So, some things that popped out as I read through your submission.

You write a lot of text without periods that just goes on and on for a while. It's okay when it is in dialogue, but when it is in text or narration, I kind of lost track of where the sentence started and what was going on, like in the examples below.

But there was no purpose to her steps, so I didn't follow after, and she just sort of wandered for a moment, searching her thoughts, staying a few steps away, as if the distance was required to focus on analyzing him, on analyzing them.

There was no reason not to have periods in there in place of that long, meandering sentence. And here you do it again.

Her hand moved the faint glow across the nearly dark air into my outstretched fingers, fingertips glancing across knuckles, lingering long enough to betray something, before she dropped her shoulders flat onto the ground, lying her head back under the arm folded there to cradle it.

Some of your phrases are very interesting and unique, in a good way. Like "she said, after the pause had become a silence" or "Sitting up, she drew her knees to her chest, gathering her hair back to pull it into a ponytail, secured with an elastic seemingly procured from thin air" -- that made me smile.
And then there are places where the word choices just sound wrong. Like "intertwining of lips" or the use of "equitable / equitably" in dialogue. Jarred me out of the story.
And this -- "My free hand, suddenly assless, moved up" -- just made me laugh out loud, sorry.

Start a new paragraph when dialogue from one character stops and something related to another character begins.

I think you hit your stride sometimes in the middle of the first page. The writing before that is kind of forced. Maybe the dialogue helped in making it flow.

Okay, end of the first page, you hit me with numbers. First, if you had to describe the girl, it would have been better earlier on in the story, perhaps when readers had not yet made some impression of her in their minds. Second, generally, people do not think in numbers. There is no way he could have known she was 5'2'' exactly unless she told him or he measured her. Then, the description of her breasts being big enough to "nearly take two hands to hold entirely" was good enough without spoiling it with the obnoxious 32DD tagged on - again, he cannot definitively know, so why say that?
Now, the couple of paragraphs after that one where you just describe her breasts are nice.

About the sex, you might be right about it being somewhat lacking because, again, I didn't feel it flowed well. The dialogue, if any, was unbelievable. (""Now. Now is the due time. So take your pants off.") I felt you were describing what was happening much more than what they were feeling. I realize it is mostly what we do while writing sex and it's hard to avoid, but it was pretty much, 'I did this and she did this and then this happened' for a long time. I'd say mix it up with believable dialogue and feelings from the characters.

To sum it up, the best part of your story was when they were talking about their previous partners. It was relaxed and free. The rest of the story doesn't flow as freely. There are misspellings and grammar issues that a good editor can help you with. You can ask for help in the Editor's Forum.

Hope this helps. Keep writing.

 

[bwallard]

Too many stories in one! Your opening is engaging and you really do have a way with words, but you have to give it up. Tell the story, Man!

All these frustrating digressions are the other stories you're going to write. Don't give us the Coles Notes of them now, leave them for later.

She's a great character. Good stuff.