Looking for feedback on my two stories

[Tickleyourpickle]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5338298&page=submissions

These are the two stories, haven't got much of a feedback on them from the comments section so I thought I'd see if anyone here had some information for me. I know the stories are incredibly silly and I found it hard to put them in the right category too.

Anyway, all feedback is appreciated

 

[AlinaX]

"Standing at five foot ten inches and possessing body measurements of 30-24-30, she had a figure made for the catwalk. Her rich dark chocolate skin... Her bra size grew from a 32B to 38D and her once small pert arse was now a lot fuller and, thanks to her love of tennis, it was still firm and eye catching. In her modelling days, she was a slim 30-24-30, but now she was 36-26-38."

- Please don't state body size like this; it looks amateur and turns me off immediately. You've said she's a model, why say more? Let the readers use their imaginations...
- Avoid using foods to describe skin colour, tempting though it is.
- Blacklist is one word.
- Jizz Air? That really needs an explanation. Perhaps the planes are decorated with birds? Even so, Alicia would have to be aware of the absurdity of it.
- The whole doctor-disguised-as-tramp thing is too improbable.

I think I'd better stop there...

 

[yukonnights]

I read part of Clueless Alicia. It may be that this just isn't my type of story. (you mentioned that your were aiming for silly/humor/irony, etc.) For me it was too unbelievable to buy into and I got bored. Humor/Satire is a tricky one since we all have different 'senses of humor'. The current scores on both stories are above average, which should encourage you that you have the skills to write a decent story.

I'll second what AlinaX said about body descriptions that read like a list. Try to imagine how you describe a stranger in your own mind — I doubt you go into that kind of detail. Basically, try to weave physical descriptions of characters in as part of the unfolding story.

Hope this helps — keep reading authors you like, read as much as you're interested in on how to write fiction, and keep writing ~

 

[Tickleyourpickle]

Thanks for the replies. The body measurements thing is something I'll definitely look at removing.
The story is stupid and could have gone into the humour section really but I thought it would be better suited to non consent. Jizz air is just a play on wizz air. I don't think i'll be going down the broad humour route again! As yukonnights said, we all have different senses of humour

 

[Charrla]

A little editing of Alicia and a Doppelganger

1) "'I guess your mother taught you nothing about subtly!' James quipped as he gave an apologetic look at several passengers who had turned to see what the commotion was."

It's subtlety, not subtly. It should be "look to," not "look at." And you can shorten the end of the sentence to "who had turned towards the commotion."

2)"'he still would still think you're an old bloated has been!'"

One too many "stills" in this sentence.

3) "Well, that's a lot isn't!"

You're missing an "it."

4) "unconcerned that there was only a thin wall separating the toilet to the other passengers."

"From," not "to."

5) "The white salvia contrasted"

"Saliva," not "salvia." And what kind of saliva is white?

6) "fuck this sluts perfect arse"

You need a possessive apostrophe in "slut's."

7) "She hadn't done anal since her medical and"

Unclear what you mean by "since her medical." Is this a Britishism, or is there a word missing here? Oh, I guess this has something to do with the first story? Still, you should clarify this for readers who haven't read the first story.

8) "She finished it in three large gulps before eating some chewing gum."

Find a different way to say this that doesn't make it sound like she intends to swallow her gum.

There were some other tweaks of commas and hyphens I could have made, but I wanted to just quickly look for the more obvious errors.

On the whole, not a bad story, though.

 

[Charrla]

A little editing of Clueless Alicia

1) "she moved in to her high school friends, Rachels, house"

A possessive apostrophe is needed here, and the phrase can be shortened to be less awkward. I would rewrite it to "she moved in to her high school friend Rachel's house."

2) "However, having left school with no qualifications, finding someone to hire her was proving impossible."

Dangling modifier. Rewrite to "However, having left school with no qualifications, she found it was proving impossible to find someone to hire her."

3) The sentence directly underneath that is a bit long and rambling. I would rewrite to

"Eventually, Rachel managed to get her a job as a receptionist. But after a month, Alicia decided that answering phones wasn't something a glamorous woman like herself should do, and she quit."

4) "While Rachel could have forgiven her friend for ditching a job she had worked hard to get for her,"

Awkward; too many pronouns at the end of this clause. Rewrite to something like "While Rachel could have forgiven her friend for ditching a job that had taken effort to find." Or separate the bit about the job using em dashes.

5) In that same paragraph, you have "parents' home." In the next paragraph you have "parent's patience." Is it one parent, or two? Fix one of those apostrophes to be consistent with the other.

6) "The smell of alcohol and cigarettes was nauseating and trying not to breathe in, Alicia pulled her face from his disgusting beard."

You need a comma after "and," lest it sound like the stench was trying not to breathe in. Actually, I would put a period after nauseating, eliminate the "and," and make this two sentences. It would be a little more succinct that way.

7) "The badly tanned woman replied smiling, though it faltered"

The "it" is unclear. Change to "The badly tanned woman replied with a smile, though it faltered." Now it's clear that "it" refers to the smile.

8) "Disguising as a tramp and purposely getting in her way"

Maybe this is correct in British usage. But to not be awkward to American readers, it needs to be "Disguising himself as a tramp." That whole sentence could benefit from being rewritten in active voice instead of passive, though.

9) "Some people claim that they ate a brandy-soaked dessert, to others saying that..."

The "to" is problematic, as well as the unparallel verb tenses. Rewrite to "From some people claiming that they ate a brandy-soaked dessert, to others saying that" or "Some people claim that they ate a brandy-soaked dessert; others say that." And actually, the two "thats" could be eliminated.

10) "After a minute, he felt her pull away and reluctantly. he let her go."

I think you meant to put a comma after "reluctantly." Even better, make it two sentences.

11) "then we can give it ago?"

"a go," not "ago."

Interestingly enough, the sex scene has no big, discernable mistakes. You must have really taken your time with that part, haha.

Like the other one, I didn't find this to be bad at all.

 

[Tickleyourpickle]

Thank you for going through the story. It's really appreciated. I have made the edits that Charria suggested and the idea about body measurements that alinaX made too. It's tricky reading through the story as I think it has been written rather than than what I have actually written (if that makes sense)

Charria, if you are an editor on this site then I would really like to have you look over some other work for me? If not, thank you for going over these two. I can't promise my grammar is going to get any better... I was never the best student!