Looking for Feedback on my Series J&J

[lover1988]

I'm looking for feedback from people who have read my Incest series. I'm continuing it but have felt only a little feedback from a certain few individuals. Todger65 has been a valuable editor.

Anyway, you can find my stories on my profile page here.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2228883&page=submissions

 

[8letters]

First off, I recommend lovecraft68's Write Incest like a Mother Fucker. He's one of the most popular authors on this website.

Your title is bad. I made the same mistake with my first story - "Heather and Michael". It tells me nothing about your story except that it has a Jake and a Jessica as main characters. It doesn't provide a hook or guide me in what to expect from the story.

I always suggest starting the story with an interesting scene. The beginning of Chapter One is so boring - a family tree that tosses off far too many names to keep track off, then the classically awful wake-up-in-the-morning scene, which is immediately tossed aside for some more narrative summary.

To me, what makes incest stories interesting is the conflict caused because the brother knows it is wrong to love his sister (and vise versa). Jake could make a move on any other girl and not fear any repercussions. So there should be always that tension - what exactly does Jake feel for Jessica? What does Jessica feel for Jake? You destroy that tension in the first real scene when Jessica confesses to Jake her love for him.

At that point, you're quite a bit into your story and you haven't introduced your main characters. We don't know what Jake and Jessica look like, their personality or their interests. There isn't any chemistry between them. When Jessica told Jake that she loved him, I had no idea why.

Personally, I think head hopping has to be handled very carefully in incest stories. Again, what gives the stories dramatic tension is the uncertainty of how the other is going to respond to the sibling's feelings of love. Switching back and forth between Jake and Jessica's perspective took that uncertainty away.

From there, it's back to narrative summary. I try to have big scenes glued together by small sections of narrative summary. Your scenes are very small and are followed by big sections of narrative summary.

That's enough for now. I hope that helps. I like fraternal twin stories and will probably keep reading yours. My Heather and Michael story is similar. It's my first published story, so it wasn't that well written.

 

[robertreams]

"He got to the bathrooms and knocked on the women's door and called out to Jessica but got no reply. He went into the men's bathroom and took care of his manly duties. When he came out, he knocked on the women's bathroom again and said "Jessica are you in here?" No reply was received yet again."

8letters was right about narrative summary, that is what your story seems to me. You needd a lot more interpersonal actions and/or thoughts between your characters. Also more of the five senses What did they feel? Colors, odors, touch, taste, touch, hear? I included the quote (above) from your story to show you the stilted and repetitive style of your writing. It is a trap we writers fall easily into. Check the pattern of your sentences. The vast majority read: He got to the bathroom and called and knocked. "He went to the bathroom and took. . . ". ". . . he knocked again and. . ." One way to check this is to do a search and replace for "and" when you finish each story. You will be amazed at how many you see. These are called run-ons because they are all two idea as expressed in the same sentence. Using "and" to connect two ideas is the lazy writer's way. Try some variations. A the bathroom door, he knocked again, eliciting the same response.

{Quote} "They got up and (1)went back inside to join the group. Everyone was seated and (2) the chief was on his way to the podium to make another speech.

"Every year, I look for officers who go above and beyond to help others; whether they are on the streets, in a precinct or at Police Plaza. I see great talent in every officer here. But tonight, I have the great privilege to announce two promotions. I formally announce the promotions of Lt. Jim Edwards to the rank of Captain." Applause started and (3)Jake and Jessica look very shocked at the announcement that their father was getting promoted. Jim got up and (4) walked towards the stage and (5) stood by his side. After people stopped clapping, Chief Roberson continued. "I also have the privilege of announcing the promotion of Lt. Mike Wilson to Captain." More applause started and (6)Lt. Wilson, Amy's father also (7) joined the stage.

This is at least six examples in two short paragraphs. Your story is full of this type of sentence. By the time I was half a page into the story, every "and" rang like a bell, distracting me from the tale you were trying to tell.

I hope you don't take this critique too hard, I actually do mean well. I hope my hints are helpful to your development as a writer. Obviously some folks like your writing if you go by the red aitches, but I assume that you wish to improve your stories for their own sake, (and yours) not only for your readers.